“I hope you’re happy now.”

“Well, now, let’s see about that.” I pushed myself away from the lamppost and, with a flourish of my hands, patted myself from my shoulders down to my hips. “Hmmm, yeah, I’m still here, so, no, I’m not happy, no matter how touching your concern is.”

“Thanks to you,” Davie prattled on pointlessly as the door shut behind him, “the police now suspect me for arson. I’m lucky they didn’t arrest me.”

“A pity, really.”

He made that noise humans make when they suddenly decide that the rest of the world needs to be privy to how their breathing sounds; I think it’s a sign of irritation. Oh, no, wait, the tall worm started to grin.

“I know, right? It would’ve made me look like such a badass. I’d have had to beat the chicks off with a stick.” His half-lidded gaze shifted past me to the sky. “Man, they really went at me for a while; sun’s about to come up.”

I turned away from the police station where Davie had been taken after the rangers had secured his well-being—with me following them, unseen of course, from a distance—and sure enough, a soft orange was just beginning to peek in between the scattered buildings. I let my jaw slowly drop in awe. “Wow… he can see, too. I’ve stumbled across such an amazing human. How shall he stun me next, I wonder?”

“By showing you my uncanny ability to pass out the second I touch a pillow.”

“Incredible. I wonder how you manage to beat the chicks off now.”

“Ain’t easy, but I get by.” He stifled a yawn and, squishing his twiggy little fingers into his pockets, shrugged his shoulders towards a street. “Luckily, my apartment isn’t too far away from here. Let’s get going.”

I merely blinked. “Why am I going with you?”

“I told you I’d help you,” Davie was interrupted by another longer, more annoying yawn that made his face pinch itself into some ungodly form very reminiscent of a cat’s anus, “remember? It’s my fault you’re stuck here, so unless you have some vacation home you keep handy...”

“Unfortunately, my condominium is in the Bahamas. Quite an inconvenience.”

He squinted at me. “I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”

“Pay for the plane tickets and you’ll find out.” Without giving him another moment to question me again, I strode my way past him and began heading down the street he had awkwardly gestured towards. It was only a second later that I heard his stumbling footsteps behind me, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he had ever truly learned how to actually walk.

All too soon, he bumped into my elbow and fell into stride next to me. “You never told me your name.”

“And you never took me out to dinner, first.” I rolled my eyes and swayed myself away from him. “I didn’t realize you were planning on marrying me.”

“Well, you know how it is, I’m sure. I went out for a stroll expecting nothing more than a cute bunny, and ended up summoning my tall, dark, handsome, and pyromaniac savior. How could I not fall madly in love?” He clasped a hand over his heart and let out a wavering sigh, his pale green eyes growing glossy in the fading moonlight. “But I do need to call you something, oh my sparkling dove.”

“Why don’t you see what happens if you call me ‘sparkling dove’ again.” I let my arm fall away from my side just enough for the tip of my claws to scrape against Davie’s waist as a reminder.

“Oh ho,” he let out a pebbling giggle that gave me the overwhelming desire to claw out my own eardrums and drown them in gasoline found in the back of a truck owned by some scumbag named Doug. “Settle down now, we’re in public.”

“The perfect place to string you up by your neck and watch your eyes bulge in your purpled skull until they bubble and burst like rotten grapes and the crows come to strip away your withering flesh, strip by strip, until nothing but your yellowed bones remain.”

“Save it for the bedroom.” His face, already far too long for the rest of him, stretched itself out to struggle to contain yet another yawn. “You gonna tell me your name or not?”

I let out a long, dreary sigh. “Well, seeing as you give me no other reasonable choice… I’ll have to stick with not.”

Davie nodded and for the briefest second I’ve ever known, I felt a twinge of concern at the joy that crept along his lips. “Alright, then! No problem! From now on, your name is Tiberius Maximus Illumanitianus the First!”

I nursed a low growl, one that had been building in my gut since he had come out of the police station, until it spread through the air around us, and I flicked my claws out to drag against a lamppost passing by us; the air was filled with a terrible shrrkkkkkkk as violent sparks flew around us.

“Don’t. You. Dare.”

“Tibs for short!” His eyes lit up and he took a few running steps forward, barely dodging my hand that was flying towards where his pathetic little chicken neck used to be. “Here we are! Home sweet home.”

I grit my teeth and prayed that my gaze could smite him where he stood. “Tell me, again, why I should not strip you of your spine here and now?”

“Because I’m gonna make some epic pancakes in the morning… or whenever we wake up. It’s been a long night.” Right on cue, his already atrocious face split itself in two as he let out another, more constrained breathy yawn, and he slowly started to shuffle his way up the stairs leading to the second floor of the shabby apartment complex. “Dunno about you, but I’m ready to hit the sack.”

“Yes, go to sleep sleep so that I can finally carve out your useless larynx without having to hear your disgusting screams.”

“Kinky.” Davie took out his keys and swung them around on one finger. “So, tomorrow, we’ll start working on a way for you to get home.” He smiled, looking like he was enjoying this far too much. “ Does that sound nice, Tibs?”

I dug my claws into the flesh of my palm before giving him the toothiest, most humorless grin I could muster.

“That sounds just fan-freaking-tastic.”