17th of Skivantul 2,198

Hello. I do wholeheartedly apologize for that weird entry yesterday and for just cutting it off at the end. I didn’t really feel much up to talking or really doing anything else that day. Even work was a considerable bit more bitter. I mostly just stayed in my office mixing some essential ingredients we needed for some experiments today until I went home. When I got home, I basically just sat around for a few hours, made myself some food, worked a bit on some puzzles to keep myself together before I went to bed. I really can’t ever think of better things to do to keep myself preoccupied when I’m alone and have an episode. After all, I definitely can’t hang out with the gang after work on a day like that. It’s even more likely that something will go wrong than it usually had a chance to. I really just don’t want to put them in any kind of unnecessary danger because of my own selfish desire to have companionship, which my therapist says isn’t selfish, but that is one thing she will never be able to argue with me on because I will always have to put them before me and if that means not spending time with them then so be it.

The other thing that I really hate a lot about having psychological episodes of that magnitude and impact is that, the day following, I always feel like there’s someone watching me just out of my sight. My therapist says that it’s just some post traumatic paranoia, but it never feels like the simple result of some stress, it feels like Astralik is watching everything that I’m doing, like it’s trying to find an opening or moment of weakness that it can pounce on to make me do something horrible. I hate living in constant fear and I know that someday I’m going to beat whatever it is that this thing is, but until then, I just have to keep on pushing through till the end. I really do wish there was some kind of easy fix to this problem, but it’s not going to be as simple as drinking a potion or writing in a book or some new medicine, I’m going to have to put in as much willpower and effort as I possibly can if I want to beat this thing.

I do truly wish that I had a little more to report on about what’s been going on in my life, but as of late, it’s been pretty mundane. I really do hope that something excited happens soon, I’m looking for something to do. Hopefully, we can all go out looking for resources at the lab again and have another crazy adventure with some crazy fish.

I actually just had a random thought. Would I be able to write in this journal by simply controlling the ink in the bottle in to a ball and then shaping it in to the letters I’m looking for before just dabbing the paper lightly with it and then returning it to the bottle? Maybe that’s a venture for another day. Until then, I think I’m going to get some sleep. I’m beginning to feel a bit lightheaded...