24th of Skivantul 2,198

Hello once again. I know that my therapist said these entries weren’t really changing my circumstances that much, but I still thought I should write in here, it does make me feel a bit better, after all. Although, I hadn’t written the past couple days because I didn’t really see any reason to, as nothing much has really happened. I’ve been going to work as usual, coming home each night to make dinner and spend a little time to myself doing whatever I can to occupy my time. As I said, because of what my therapist said, I’ve also been somewhat discouraged from doing them as, if they aren’t benefitting me in some way, then there may not be any point to doing them in the first place. I mostly am just doing this because it does feel nice to have a place to let loose my thoughts and to just talk, especially when you are someone like me and you don’t really have friends or family you can talk with about these kinds of things. Sometimes and even more so lately, I wish that I did have those kinds of people in my life, maybe it would make things easier for me. Then I remember why I can’t have those too close to me. If I were to ever lose control then that would put them at danger and I just can’t deal with that nor do I want to.

I did forget to mention something very important actually... After a lot of going back and forth debating with myself, I finally decided that I would go to see the illusionist. At first, I didn’t really know if I wanted someone just rooting around inside of my mind trying to kill the biggest problem in my life because I was afraid of what might happen to them and what else they may find inside of my head and how they would react to it. I didn’t want to end up leaving the illusionist with them thinking that I was some kind of mentally unstable freak who was going to end up killing her.

However, after much debate with myself and thinking what was best for me, I decided that it would be a good idea to go see the illusionist. I went there yesterday and I thought that maybe I should’ve written this entry after it happened, but I decided against it, I was not really in the best place to be talking about it at the time, but now I think I should be okay talking about it.

Everything started pretty normally, I was asked to have a seat in the waiting room until she was finished with her previous client and I did so. Once I was called in, the first thing I was asked to do was to take off my lab coat which I was a bit uncomfortable about, I always feel safer wearing it, but I did oblige. After that, she drew a large seal of the floor and asked me to sit inside one of the inner circles as she did the same, sitting opposite me. I saw her eyes begin to glow purple before I passed out and when I woke up it was an absolute horror show. She was pinned to the wall by several massive spikes made of blood with even more blood running down the walls. It all accumulated in a puddle on the floor that seemed to be smiling at me.

I’m sorry, I need to stop here...