After the car stopped and was turned off, WW was the first out of it. He was also the first into the house. He went straight up to his room and shut the door quietly behind him. He pulled off his shirt, which he, of course, had smudged dirt onto. He threw it into his closet and flopped down onto his bed. He’d learned more about Pan in the half an hour he listened to his and his cousin’s conversation than he’d learned talking to the man, himself. That smile kept popping back into WW’s mind. Was he jealous? No. Not at all. It wasn’t as if he wanted to date some weird plant man, just because he had a cute smile, and such a nice laugh… Just because he wanted to run his hands through his hair… It didn’t mean he was interested  in him. Not romantically, at least. He was just curious about the texture of his hair… It looked  soft. Soft and wavy, and had a way of tumbling down in a mess of waves, that… That framed his face in a way to make him look even more mature. Even hotter. WW had been attracted to people he’d had no intention of dating, or even just hooking up with, before. This was no different. It wasn’t any different just because he hadn’t gotten laid in nearly a year, nor was it any different because of that one time in the shower the day before. Cori  was interested in him. WW told her to go ahead. That was that.

But his mind couldn’t stop at just a passing reference to the morning before. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to force his brain to think of something else. Anything else. But he couldn’t stop imagining Pan, flowerless, flushed… beneath him. “No, not again… That  makes it weird.” He growled under his breath. He looked down. “Fuck”

Okay… Maybe he was somewhat  interested in Pan. At least to have sex with. It didn’t change anything. Not what he said to Cori, and not the fact that he wasn’t interested in being   with him. He pushed himself off the bed and toward his door to lock it. He could hear everyone coming in downstairs. Don't want anyone walking in … He thought as he double-checked that the door was, in fact, locked. When he went back to his bed, he sat down and stared at his boner. “Go away.” He whispered, as if that would help. He started thinking about other things. Completely non-sexual things, things he hated. Most of them had to do with rehab. Like finding bile in a potted plant in his room. Like Cynthia chugging water before her weigh-in. Like pulling James away from his spot knelt over the toilet after dinner. How he’d picked the lock on the bathroom door, no one had been able to figure out.

He remembered those dinners, themselves. The awkward silence, and untouched plates. He remembered… After one such dinner, talking with James in the room they’d shared. He remembered how James had kissed him first. How… Shit. He growled and scrubbed his hands over his face. I guess I have to take care of it the old-fashioned way. He pushed his shorts down and off, laying down onto his bed. Instead of Pan, he pictured that night. Sex with James had been like two sacks of bones slamming together, but the boys had enjoyed it enough to do it again... A few times. WW remembered how surprisingly soft James’ lips had been. How quickly it had escalated from a soft first kiss until they were making out and dry-humping on James’ bed mere minutes later, trying to keep quiet. Both of them had been shaky and sweaty and in what was as close to love as either of them had been in a long time.

However, when, in WW’s fantasy, James moaned, it wasn’t James’ voice that he imagined. Suddenly, Pan laid under him, arms clinging around WW’s neck, tail wrapped around the other, desperately trying to pull him closer. WW bit his lip and forced him to change back into James. To anyone else. But every time he managed to gain control of his fantasies, Pan snuck back in like shoots of grass through cracks in the sidewalks. WW kept trying, though. Kept working to get that release that he wanted more and more desperately. He had to shove his face into his pillow to stifle a moan, but nothing brought him over the tipping point.

Frustrated, WW flopped sideways onto his bed. “Get out of my head.” He muttered, breathing hard. His entire body was on fire. He felt like he was going to burst, like he needed to, but he just couldn’t. “Fuck” He groaned. He had to give in, maybe then… If he just didn’t think about it, later… It wasn’t as if he was actually going to seek Pan out. It didn’t have to be weird.

WW shut his eyes. The bed dipped with the weight when Pan crawled over to him, running a hand down his side, slipping it around his waist, but WW flipped them both over, so he could be on top of him. Pan was gorgeous shirtless. Gorgeous naked. Just… Gorgeous. When WW trailed kisses down his neck, Pan reached his hands up to tease WW’s nipples. WW let out a whimper into his pillow. Wrapping his fingers around his dick and rubbing was nothing like actually being inside a guy, but it would have to do. He breathed erratically into his pillow so as not to be heard, but in his mind his moans rang free, harmonized by Pan calling out his name.

Finally, having given into what he truly wanted, his orgasm came easily. He bit down onto his pillow to muffle his whimpering moan and collapsed onto his bed.

Fuck.

What have I done?