Day 43

Dear Diary,

These painkillers are killer, as the kids would say. I feel nothing. Physically and mentally. I don't know who thought of this stuff, but they're a genius. These days just flew by, I don't even think I ate anything. 

To be fair, I've been taking some other pills too. They didn't seem to be painkillers, but I thought, what the heck, what's the worst that could happen? Worst case scenario, I die. At least I'll die unaware and somewhat happy. 

I haven't left my base in these few days. No reason to do so, honestly. Outside is just horrible. Cold, bitter, and white, as I keep saying. The wind blows strong. 

I keep hearing these noises though, I don't know what they are. I checked the whole building out and I couldn't find anything. Probably rats. Yep, that's what it most likely is. It's just that I can't get it out of my head. It almost sounds like a voice. Maybe it's not rats. Could be the wind blowing. I don't know. Maybe I'm just hearing things. I hope I'm not. Last thing needed is that I go completely insane. 

Man, I just noticed how long my fingernails are. I should probably find some scissors or something to cut them with. On the other hand, maybe long fingernails are good for survival. 

I had a drugged out dream. I dreamt that things were back to normal, that the war never happened. I first looked at myself. I was wearing all black. I was at a funeral, I don't know whose. I looked around, I saw people I knew crying. I saw mine and Violet's family around me. I think I saw Violet somewhere behind her mother. I tried going towards her, but my father stopped me. Then I woke up. 

Drugs have a weird effect on people. To be fair, the dream does make sense to me. I'm surrounded by death. I guess my brain is still subconsciously grieving for this world.