“And how have your thoughts been lately? Last time we talked, you had mentioned thinking about something that had upset you.”
The kindly looking man shifted slightly in the small chair pulled up at the foot of Alex’s bed, its size not quite being comfortable enough for his weight. He would never complain, though. Dr. Hernandez was too nice for that, focusing on the conversation and ignoring any discomfort the unpleasant little seat might bring him. In these past few months of Dr. Hernandez visiting him, Alex thought that this may just be a statement the man was making. Something like, “This is about you, not me. I am the Buddha, above earthly discomforts, here to teach you.”
“Alex?”
Alex snapped out of the mental image of the doctor floating above the tiny chair and looked at Dr. Hernandez.
“I know you may be nervous to bring it up again, but I’d like to talk to you about it. You dropped that on me at the end of our last session as I was leaving and I didn’t get a good chance to talk with you for more than a few extra minutes. But please let me know if it’s too uncomfortable for you.”
To be honest, it was, and that was why Alex kept thinking of other things. Dr. Hernandez had a way of guilting him into answering, though.
“A-A rope.”
“I remember you saying that.”
Alex picked at a scab on his arm as he stammered his way through.
“I-I started to think about… how it would feel, you know? Around my neck.” Dr. Hernandez opened his mouth to speak but Alex quickly blurted out, “I-I would never do anything, Doctor. Never. I made a promise to myself. After my sister…”
“I remember, Alex. You don’t have to finish, it’s okay.” Dr. Hernandez uncrossed his legs and put the notebook and recording pen down on the table next to him. “Alex, I’ll tell you the same thing I tell my obsessive-compulsive patients. We can never predict every thought that goes on in our heads. Sometimes, these thoughts happen and we have no control over them.”
Alex shifted in his bed. They were already an hour in but Alex knew this was going to be a long last portion of the session. He liked Dr. Hernandez a lot, but he dreaded his coming, recently. Each session made him feel more and more nervous about what he had been feeling lately. He recently had been talking a lot about nothing to try and avoid the obvious questions on Dr. Hernandez’s mind, fearing what he might ask if Alex took a breath. But this time, while Alex started strong, the thoughts and lack of sleep over them were wearing him down allowing the doctor to get a word in, edgewise.
The doctor seemed to be able to at least understand how Alex was feeling. He leaned on his elbow with his hand holding his chin, one finger covering his lips in thought. After a few seconds of figuring out how he wanted to say it, Dr. Hernandez spoke up.
“Alex, have you ever heard of l'appel du vide?”
Alex shook his head.
“It’s a French term that means, ‘Call of the Void’. A bit of a dark metaphor but it’s pretty apt. It describes the random thoughts people sometimes get when they look down from a high place and might feel the urge to jump or-” He sat up in his chair and pretended to turn a steering wheel, “-when you’re driving a car and think to turn the wheel hard, veering off the side of the road and hitting a barrier. Have you ever felt that?”
Alex nodded. “The car one before, yeah.”
Dr. Hernandez nodded and continued. “It’s considered a kind of suicidal ideation, but perfectly healthy people get it, as well. Did you find yourself in a depressed mood when that thought had struck you while you were in the car?”
Alex shook his head.
“It goes to show that our brains can be strange, quirky things. Morbid thoughts aren’t always an issue, and really, we can’t help sometimes having a stray thought or two.” He folded his hands in front of him and leaned forward again. “It’s when we think about these things, dwell on them, especially during times when we’re depressed, that they can become a problem.”
Without consciously realizing it, Alex’s hands began fidgeting with the quilt.
“We had talked about before how depression has run in your family. It seems, unfortunately, that everyone on your father’s side of the family has had a bout of it, at least. Sometimes, we’re dealt an old maid or two, but I want you to know, Alex, that in no way means you have a bad hand.”
Alex was a fan of Dr. Hernandez’s quirky metaphors. He thought the doctor may have realized this as he had been throwing them out more recently.
“Now, I know you don’t much care for relying on medicine to help you out and I completely agree with you that it helps only if we couple it with this,“ He gestured to the room, “our sessions. But it’s been a couple of months, now, and I’m not sure if just our sessions are helping as much as I was hoping they would. If it’s alright with you, Alex, I’d like to write a prescription. Just to see if it helps.”
Alex nodded, but looked down. It wasn’t that he was afraid of the medicine. Alex had been in the hospital long enough and worked with enough doctors that he didn’t mind that. It just seemed like a point of defeat that he couldn’t do this alone, without pills for help, and he was scared of having to rely on them.
Dr. Hernandez, as always, seemed more the mind reader than the credited expert. “This isn’t a defeat, Alex. No great battle is won by just one person. They need help and support to change the tide.”
He smiled at Alex, seemingly knowing how ridiculously corny his metaphor had been. Alex smiled back, weakly, but sincerely appreciating the attempts to help him feel better.
Dr. Hernandez checked his watch. Alex inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. I made it, he thought. I didn’t think it was going to end. It was only then that Alex realized he had been tearing up the quilt Dr. Stewart had gotten him. He stopped picking at it and just stared at the patterns; each stitch seemed to be hand-sewn but Alex wasn’t sure if Dr. Stewart had done it. She didn’t feel to him as the type to sew but he also didn’t know much about her. He started to regret always keeping people at arm’s length. She was his closest friend, now, and he still felt nervous saying her first name.
Dr. Hernandez collected his things into his bag, threw it over his shoulder, and stood up. He saw Alex staring off into space at the quilt. He gave him a reassuring squeeze of Alex’s extended leg and started to head for the door. Before he opened it, though, he stopped.
“Alex?”
Alex looked up from the entrancing sewn patterns he had been following and turned to the doctor. Dr. Hernandez took his reading glasses off and started to put them back in the case he kept in his shirt pocket.
“I’ll be honest with you. You have been put in an unbelievable situation and I cannot even begin to imagine the pressure that’s been put upon you. I don’t think anyone can.”
He inserted the case back into his pocket and stared at Alex. Dr. Hernandez always tried to keep a very neutral face when they talked but right then, in that moment, immense amounts of sympathy and sadness exuded from his expression. Alex knew the doctor wasn’t speaking to him as a patient, now. Like Clark Kent, his persona had changed, and it seemed their time as patient and doctor ended when the doctor removed his glasses. He was speaking to him as a friend.
“I can’t possibly know how you must truly feel, Alex. But you amaze me. You’re twenty-two years old, twenty when this all started. Yet with the whole world staring down at you, half a year of dealing with brain cancer, a sudden miracle, and several horrible acts directed at you by others, it’s only now, two years later, that you’ve allowed it to get to you. Anyone else would have cried much sooner. You are much stronger than you think, Alex. Remember that.”
Dr. Hernandez gave him one last look before turning the handle and leaving the room.
-------
“I-I have already promised to donate my entire body and all of my b-brain when I pass away. I’ve worked with doctors for two years now. I-I’ve given them everything I can except for my life, and I will continue to do so. I’m only asking to keep that life and be able to use it.”
The video shot back to the studio as the reporter began her final comments.
“And that was the last statement Alex Senety gave before heading back into the hospital building. The reclusive Alex read his short statement today to a crowd of hundreds who had gathered outside the hospital, but refused questions as he has before, leaving his head doctor, Dr. Bethany Stewart, to answer for him. It seems today’s speech was done after urging from the police to make a statement in the hopes of garnering support and humanizing the poor boy. The young Alex initially refused, but after support from the staff at the hospital, he agreed, and the police set up the conference to greet reporters this afternoon.
“It’s unknown whether this small speech will have much effect on people, given its brevity on such a hotly debated and very important discussion. Earlier this month, doctors at the hospital were able to state that Alex’s rare trait could possibly lead to other cures being found outside the realm of brain cancer. Though, doctors are still unsure as to how or why Alex’s brain is able to fight back like this. One thing is for sure, whatever may happen, Alex won’t be leaving the public’s eye for some time…”
The TV droned on as Alex continued to watch them talk about him like he was the next Dolly the Sheep. He had long tuned out what they were saying, though. It all blended into the background as Alex curled into a ball on his bed, zoning out to the constant mix of colors from news infographics zooming across the screen. He barely registered that someone had knocked on the door.
Dr. Stewart walked in, but immediately froze upon hearing the TV.
“Coming up! Another rally from the small group calling themselves ‘The Worth of Many’ was held today outside Congress, calling for broader expansion of laws around assisted suicide in light of recent events-”
The TV suddenly went blank. Alex came to and saw that Dr. Stewart was holding the remote, shaking violently.
“I’m fucking done with this drivel. You are a human being, Alex, with the same rights as everyone else! Don’t you dare let anyone tell you otherwise!”
Dr. Stewart was fuming. she chucked the remote down onto the table and dropped onto the chair next to Alex’s bed, holding her head in her hands.
Alex looked at her, her hands still shaking with rage. She refused to speak for some time, brooding and lost in her own thoughts. After a long silence, Alex then pointed at the now blank screen.
“They didn’t even get my last name right. Senedy, not Senety. My hair looked terrible, too. My only saving grace was the camera added a few pounds and I looked a healthy weight, for once.”
Dr. Stewart uncovered her face and rested her chin on two white-knuckled closed fists. She peered at him over her hands.
“I know what you’re trying to do, and I won’t let you win this one. I plan to stay mad all day.”
She sighed and threw her hands up in the air.
“You wouldn’t believe the bullshit they asked me during the press conference. A life is a life. It’s insane anyone could even infer something different.”
Alex frowned and looked to the side, “I’m sorry I left you to answer all of the questions, B-Bethany.”
Dr. Stewart sighed, “It’s fine, Alex. I understand. I may not have an anxiety disorder like you, but I do get anxious from time to time. I’ve had to leave the surgery room more than once when it’s hour sixteen into it. I don’t blame you, Alex. That’s not even what has me upset.”
They sat in silence for a while. Alex wasn’t sure what to say. Dr. Stewart only looked out the window that still had not been fixed, as if in expectation of another incident. Alex decided to do the same. It was several minutes before Dr. Stewart finally spoke up.
“Do you know about the Hippocratic Oath?”
Alex turned to face her but Dr. Stewart was still staring out the window. Alex nodded at her and said he did. She continued.
“It’s gotten antiquated; we’ve basically replaced it multiple times, and really, it didn’t hold any legal power, so we made a code of ethics instead.” She sighed, “This is too much explaining - my point is, we doctors have ethics that we must follow, and the bottom line of all of that is the absolute value of life.”
She finally turned to him.
“You can argue back and forth about abortion or assisted suicide, but the bottom line is, we must value the lives of the patients we have. Even if something were to come up, and terminal options might be more pressing, in no way should doctors ever approach without the mindset of valuing any and all life. I know we doctors are unique in that we’re held to that standard; malpractice is no joke. It’s just…”
She sighed.
“This is what makes us human. Unlike animals, we not only have our intelligence, we have our humanity - our ability to value life. A dog can feel sad for you or an elephant grieve for us when we die but we have no guarantee that they think about what they’re doing or if it’s just nature for them. As far as we know, we’re the only species that truly understands what life is and values the lives of those around us. Ethics. Without that, we’re just intelligent animals, killing without remorse. Ethics be damned.” Dr. Stewart stared out the window again, quietly finishing her thoughts. “I think they’ve forgotten that. Or maybe they just never thought about it.”
Alex looked down at the quilt. It had been a while since he’d had to have his blood drawn and the quilt was too heavy to use all the time. However, it was comforting to have, especially times like now. Alex thought about how much things worried him and how often he relied on that comfort. He looked back to Dr. Stewart.
“I think they’re just scared, Bethany.”
She was surprised by his response. “Scared is an interesting term to define it. How do you figure?”
“They’re scared of what might happen if they don’t find a cure soon. They’re scared for the possibility that while they wait, their loved ones or even they themselves could become sick and need that cure. They’re scared of the future. Scared and wanting to feel safe that it’ll be okay. They want that comfort.”
Dr. Stewart looked at him. She seemed to examine him for some time. Finally, she smiled.
“You had a session with Dr. Hernandez earlier today, didn’t you?”
Alex smiled, “He’s been helping a lot.”
Dr. Stewart straightened up and stretched in her chair.
“Yeah, I figured he’d be perfect for you. He’s gotten me through bad months several times.”
Dr. Stewart closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened them, she smiled at Alex again.
“We’re gonna be okay, Alex. Even if the rest of the world is running around like they’re just intelligent animals.”
Alex smiled at her as well.
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