Depression hits at such a young age now, and I, being a student, know what it feels like.

Being a "top student" isn't as great as it seems, the pressure that is put on you, it feels like a burden.

Pressure? What pressure?

Well, people look up to you, they expect a lot from you, and the better the grades you get, the more they'll expect, and they might think that they are inspiring you to work harder, but that's not true.

It never was. I have been a "top student" for years now, but it wasn't until third grade that I started feeling like this. My parents started to set limits for the number of mistakes I could get, and it got harder to maintain it as the years passed, at fifth grade, I just couldn't take it anymore, but I couldn't do it, I didn't want to hurt my best friend.

But despite all of this, I still attempted it, but then I remembered everything my best friend had told me, every precious word.

I let go of my throat, I couldn't believe what I had done. My face had turned slightly red. I looked at the scars on my wrist, 'what is wrong with you?' I asked myself, but not even my doctor knew the answer to that.

Days passed by, I still couldn't get over it, although I've been told to stop many times, I still couldn't do it, I couldn't stop cutting, it became an addiction. The more I did it, the harder it was to stop. I knew I wasn't supposed to do it, yet I still did, and to this day I still do.

Every A, every A+, every time I got a grade above 90, it just got worse, and it just grew that way.

At around fifth grade, I started to go to the bathroom a lot. Not to pee, but to overthink, and - if possible - cut myself. My parents had no mercy when it came to low scores and grades, they would insult me on a daily basis.

There have been times where I forgot how to smile, and those times were the worst.

I haven't been really, truly happy in years, and I don't think I ever will be.

I still hate looking at the mirror, and I always will, every time I do, all I can tell myself is 'who is that?' and 'why do I look so ugly?'.

"You're beautiful" my best friend had told me. I didn't believe it, and to this day, I still don't.

"Today, I cut myself 15 times, I didn't think it was enough" I wrote.

People want to be me so badly, but they don't know how I really feel, they don't know how much I hate myself, they don't know how many times I tell myself that I would be better off dead, they just don't know.