I got to talk with Pa today.
Like, not one of those drunken talks, the talks where he opens his mouth and lets the words slur out of him. He was sober.
I got to talk to him, for once.
It was the first honest talk we had, after Ma went away and never came back. That was all before Pa turned to the booze, and I turned into…something.
We talked lots of things on the couch. Just him and me, for almost a whole day. He started talking about work. About how his boss laid off half of them for having vices that were, he quoted, "against the Lord's holy scriptures." About how he's on the streets, looking for another job. About all the other changes we're going to be having, like electricity cuts and water shortages. And all the problems we're going to face.
He said all that in a tone that had nothing left to lose. He was a husk, I had to admit.
And it was heartbreaking once he looked at me, eyes already red from the tears he once shed, as if I was going to be shattered from all this.
It was…I don't know how to describe it.
Like he wanted me to live, to get away from this hole he dug all of us in, and live a better life.
It just pierced my heart, somewhat.
But I can't.
When she left, everything broke. Pa, the house, me…everything important just broke and there's no coming back.
And in its place is just emptiness.
I know you're there for me, but I don't think there's no saving me anymore.
I'm sorry everything turned out heavy.
In the end, everything just leads to me and my problems.
I probably should add "writing letters" to my list of failures.
Everything that I try to do almost always fails. School, socializing…everything that's important.
You give me something important, and I'll probably make it worse. That's the best I could do.
I'm sorry Aria. I know you don't deserve someone like me. Someone loads better than me, I bet. Someone who wouldn't just dump all his problems on you like some trash can.
I know you're trying to help me, I get it.
But sometimes, it's just so hard to carry on.