But my countdown began. It was only for a couple of days. Graduation was Sunday, the party was Monday, Ryan was back on Thursday. But sleeping in the day after the graduation party, Ryan texted me with a simple:

back

“What the hell!” I shouted at the top of my lungs. “He said he was getting back on fucking Thursday!”

Mom burst in holding a frying pan. “I heard shouting! What’s wrong?! Are you okay?!”

“He said he was getting back on fucking Thursday!” My mom blinked, dropped the frying pan to her side, and closed the door softly. “Goddammit!”

So, naturally, I threw myself out of bed at almost noon, aggressively showered while still screaming profanities at an imaginary Ryan, got dressed, and marched across town to Ryan’s house.

But, of course, he wasn’t home. Neither were his siblings. No one was home. So I sat on the front steps, still stewing in my anger towards the stupid boy, and waited for his car to come driving up. Which was about a half-hour later.

“Hello,” he said cheerily, stepping out of his parent’s car.

“Can I talk to you in private for a second?” I whispered through my teeth.

Ryan was now terrified. “D-did I do something?”

I grabbed his wrist and led him upstairs to his room. I promptly locked the door. “You said you was getting back on fucking Thursday!”

He blinked. Ryan leaned forward and said, “I said Tuesday.”

“No, you said Thursday!”

“I said Tuesday, Adrian.”

“No, you said you’d be getting back on the second, and today is the…” I was wrong.

Ryan stepped forward and hugged me tightly. “I actually needed a little of your dysfunction. This was good.”

“But my calendar said – ”

“You read it wrong.”

I sighed and hugged him back, inhaling slowly to regain my thoughts. “I’m sorry. This isn’t necessarily the best way to start a summer.”

“I’ll survive. I missed you.”

I leaned back and attempted to kiss him, but he wasn’t looking at me, so I settled with awkwardly kissing the side of his chin. “I missed you too.”

Ryan broke away and sat down on the floor, pulling me down with him. He sighed very slowly and reached back to scratch his neck. “Okay, let’s talk.”

I shook my head quickly. “No. Ryan, you just got back, and – ”

“No. Now,” he replied insistently, pulling his knees into his chest. “We need to talk now. If I put it off anymore, it’ll just make me more nervous than I already am.”

I brought myself to my knees and crawled towards him. “Ryan, please,” I whispered, “not right now.” I leaned forward to kiss him.

He pushed me off. “Adrian, no.” Ryan glanced down and whispered, “I want to talk about this now.”

I nodded slowly. “Okay.” But I really didn’t want to talk about it.

“I guess I could tell you about how miserable I felt when I was growing up, or – ” I removed my shirt. “ – or how… or how miserable growing up and going to that… goddamn… middle school…” No, you’re not talking about this now. I began tugging off Ryan’s shirt. “Adrian, w-what are you doing?”

“Context, Ryan. Or are you that thick-headed?” I asked.

“Adrian, I’m trying t – ” His shirt finally came off. “ – to ex…explain stuff tha…” He trailed off. “What are you trying to do?”

“Ryan, I’m sorry if I’ve just been a…what’s a really bad word for what I’ve been?”

“Bastard? Distracting? A wishy-washy worrywart who is so incredibly handsome?”

“You’re not being helpful.” I paused. “But I think the third one is more me, except for the handsome part.”

Ryan sighed and frowned. “Yes. You are handsome. Deal with it.” He glanced down. “And, I guess I’m an emotionally-crippled guy who’s hell bent on trying to be perfect.”

“I would better describe you as an emotionally-confused/very slightly emotionally-crippled guy who’s hell bent on trying to be perfect.”

“Thanks,” he said, smirking.

I crawled forward again, sitting down with my legs straddling his lap. “If it makes any difference,” I told him, wrapping my arms around his neck, “you’re pretty damn perfect either way, dysfunction and all.”

Ryan smiled wearily. “And I guess I love you for all your wishy-washy dysfunction, too. And yes, you are handsome.” He lightly kissed me.

“Now, this is just the surface. We’ll get to the rest another time, okay?”

“When?”

“It’s a long summer.” I kissed him. “Sorry I’m being so distracting.”

“Nooo,” he whined, kissing me again, “it’s a good distracting.” He kissed me again. “But is there a particular reason why you wanted to talk shirtless? Not that I mind, but…” I turned red, unable to accurately say what my intent was. But Ryan understood. “Are you serious?”

“Currently, I’m compelled to say ‘yes’.”

Ryan basically jumped to his feet, launching me back to the floor. He spun around in a circle like an excited child before grabbing my shoulders and asking, “Are you sure? You’re okay with this?”

“Ryan, don’t make me second guess myself right now.” OH, WAY TOO LATE, but I’m refusing to tell you.

Thus started the painfully awkward strip where we stood at the foot of the bed, four feet away from each other, and telepathically deciding to remove our final piece of fabric simultaneously on the count of three.

Off came the underwear.

Ryan literally stepped back, putting his hand over his mouth. I let my mouth fall open. We both weren’t breathing, possibly out of embarrassment, possibly out of excitement. “Holy shit, you’re gigantic.” “You’re so hot.” “I don’t have that.” “Wow.” “You have freckles there.” “You have pubes.”

Nerves gathered in my stomach. “What do we do now?” I asked.

He loudly chuckled, possibly from the growing nerves within him. “Um…wanna sit down on the bed and…figure it out from there?” I nodded, and we both sat down rather uncomfortably close to each other. “Can I bury my face in your neck?”

“Excuse me?”

Ryan looked horrified by what he just said. “N-no! I-I just wanted to, like, k-kiss your neck.”

“Why didn’t you just say that?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” I tilted my head to the side very slowly, giving him the all clear. Ryan slowly sank his lips into my neck, kissing gently up towards my ear, making my skin crawl. He pulled away and told me, “Okay, I’m not going to do this unless you actually breathe.”

I inhaled loudly. “Sorry!”

“Maybe we should try something else? Like…” He gestured down towards his groin, hands remaining rigid. “Moving to…second…base?” I nodded slowly, but Ryan repeated, “But I’m not doing this unless you actually breathe.”

I inhaled loudly again. “Why is this so hard for me?”

“Because it’s you, Adrian.” Ryan shifted, pointing his knees towards me. “Okay, how about you close your eyes?” He stuck out his pinky. “I promise I’ll warn you about what I’m doing, okay?”

“How accommodating,” I told him, taking his pinky in mine and smiling. I sighed and closed my eyes. I opened them briefly and added, “Same goes for you too, okay?”

Ryan nodded. “Yeah. T-thanks for saying so.”

“Okay.”

I breathed in deeply and felt him kiss me on the cheek. His hand brushed my chest, paused to make sure I was breathing, which I was, and proceeded down towards my legs. “I’m going to touch it.”

“You couldn’t have phrased it any more awkwardly?”

He nervously chuckled. “I could of. Do you want me to?”

I shook my head and he continued down. I jumped. “Jesus Christ, your hands are cold!”

“Maybe you’re just really hot.”

I squirmed as his fingers wrapped around me. “Temperature or appearance?”

“Pick.”

A noise caught in my throat. I yelped. “Don’t tug on me like that! It’s not a doorknob!”

“Are you sure, because – ”

“Shut up.”

“Its really soft. But, like, hard.”

“Holy God, this is embarrassing.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s written all over your face.” I squirmed even further. I heard Ryan sigh and asked, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

A moan caught in my throat. I nodded quickly. “It just feels weird.”

“Yeah. It’s weird to be touching you.”

He jerked his hand one way. A moan caught in my throat. My eyes shot open and I covered my mouth. Ryan was surprised as well. “Sorry.”

“I didn’t know you could make noises like that. It’s kinda cute,” he told me, smiling. “Are you okay?”

I nodded and closed my eyes again. “Yeah. I’m okay.”

I squirmed more, trying to wrap my head around the new feeling. Ryan twisted his wrist. I gasped. “I want it.”

I turned red and opened my eyes. “What?” He opened his mouth. “Really?”

“I kinda want to try it, if that’s okay.”

“You haven’t done this before?” I asked, somewhat surprised.

Ryan shook his head and nervously grinned. “Nope. We’re both really awkward.”

I shut my eyes tight, blood continuing to rush to my face. “Okay, fine. Just do it.” I jumped immediately when he placed his wet thumb on me. “Lightly, lightly. I don’t know what you’re doing.”

“Sorry,” he told me, his voice no longer next to me. “I…don’t know what I’m doing either.”

“Haven’t you ever watched porn?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, what happens there?”

“Wait, you haven’t?”

“Obviously,” I sarcastically told him. Don’t get me wrong, I had seen porn before, but I was inevitably turned off from the unrealistic scenarios, the cookie-cutter situations, and how inadequate all the models made me feel. But I’ve seen it; it had just been a while since. “What happens there?”

I heard Ryan swallowed hard. “Well, normally, the main guy’d throw the other guy on the bed and ravage him, but I don’t think that you’d appreciate that.”

“Thank you. I wouldn’t appreciate that.” I gripped his comforter suddenly when he literally swallowed me up. I hunched over and made a sound that was a cross between a moan and a horse’s neigh. “Holy fuck!”

“What?!” he shouted.

I opened my eyes, seeing a strand of spit fall on Ryan’s chest. “No, no, it was a good ‘holy fuck’.” NO IT WASN’T I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THAT I WAS SO NOT PREPARED FOR THAT. I nervously smiled and patted him on the shoulders. “Don’t worry, Ryan. I’ll let you know if anything’s going wrong.”

He nodded slowly and went back. I shut my eyes tightly and leaned back, inhaling air sharply through my teeth. I groaned and supported myself on my elbows, shaking furiously. “Ryan – ” I nervously began, but was unable to complete the phrase. The words lodged in my throat, my eyes still firmly shut.

Ryan mumbled a response, his mouth full. “Hm?”

My toes curled, fingers almost desperately pulling his sheets away. I fell backwards. “Ryan…” I groaned. Legs rigid, switching awkwardly from being wrapped around his neck to being stretched out as far as possible, a quick “Please, stop” slipped from my lips. He did.

“Are you okay?” I heard him ask.

“No. Ju-just stop, please stop.” I brought my hands up to my eyes and covered them, my teeth clenching together. When I brought my hands down, Ryan was still between my legs, looking a mix of angry and upset. I swallowed and shook my head, falling back onto his bed. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, ashamedly.

Ryan sighed and sat down on the floor. “Dammit, Adrian.”

I sat up. “Listen, I’m sorry, but – ”

“No. No ‘but’. Adrian, were you even…ready to do this?” I glanced down, unable to meet his gaze. Ryan continued, “Just sort of, jumped into this? Did you even want to do this?”

“I-I do! I did! I…” I felt my mouth become dry. “I’m sorry, okay?”

“Yes, be sorry.” Ryan took my hands in his. “Adrian, this is as bad as, being accused of lying to you. For me, that is. You weren’t ready.”

I was still shaking. “I-I’m sorry…!”

He sighed and pulled me into a tight hug. “God, you’re an awkward mess.”

“You’re one to speak,” I told him, words muffled by his shoulder.

“Trust me, I ain’t that innocent with the stuff I thought about doing with you.” I tried to push back, but Ryan merely chuckled quickly and kissed me. “Sorry.” I began to speak again, but he finished with, “We won’t do this now, okay? Lets just relax together, okay?”

I sighed slowly. “I’m still sorry.”

“Adrian, you’re fine.”

I nevertheless stuck out my pinky finger. “Another time, okay?” Ryan could see how badly I was still shaking, and took it immediately. “Sorry it wasn’t necessarily memorable.”

“It was fine.” He leaned over and kissed me again. “It’s a step somewhere.”

I nodded and smiled weakly. “Well, do you wanna cuddle a little? I feel like it makes up for it because we…I didn’t…follow through.”

Ryan sighed exhaustively and loudly. “Adrian, you’re f – if I have to say ‘you’re fine’ one more time, I’m going to tackle you,” he told me. “But, I do like cuddling with you.” He began to redress.

“What are you doing?” I asked, now standing at the foot of the bed.

“I’m…” Ryan tilted his head and looked at me. “We’re doing this naked?”

I shrugged. “It’s not third base, for you, but it’s something.”

Ryan grinned broadly. We both hopped into his bed and he wrapped his arms around me. “Enjoying the start of your summer?”

“Eh, its okay. Could’ve survived without you screaming at me, but, other than that, it’s okay.” He smiled broadly.

I immediately sat up, displeased with Ryan’s previous statement. “You said you liked my dysfunction!”

“I was kidding!” Ryan told me, sitting up and kissing me on the forehead. “I’m glad to be back.”

I inhaled slowly and we lied back down. “I’m glad you’re here.” I could feel him smiling as we fell back to the bed. Ryan pulled me in closer to his chest. And then I grabbed his groin.

He yelped. “Too hard!”

“Sorry!” But I didn’t let go. “I can’t get my fingers completely around it,” I admitted sheepishly.

“You have stubby fingers.” He paused, glancing down through the sheets. “Or…small hands.”

I looked at him, pissed off. “My hands are perfect and lovely!”

He kissed me gently on the forehead. “Let go of me now and cuddle me.” I did, and we spent the next half hour cuddling in his bed. And yes, we did eventually get past third base. But more on that later.