Esther had expected her Grandma Bethany to be hovering near the gate, wearing an apron, the reading glasses which she despised and perhaps, mittens she'd forgotten to take off. She had expected sharp, salted questions, warm embraces, a few tears-- all of which made dread form in the pit of her stomach, and yet, when she got out of the lumbering truck and found only the sleepy old dogs at the gate, a wave of loneliness washed over her.
The house, aged and darkened, stood against the black sky. Two storied, with a small attic and a wild, forever neglected garden. Last she'd laid eyes upon it, the roof was bursting with climbing roses, the garden was full of weeds but also full of irises and butterfly bush and small wild flowers that dripped with color and nectar. Now the vines were dry and frozen, clinging to the walls with the last remnant of life. Snow had gathered in the corners, seeped into the soil. Even the windows look frosted and shone with a milder yellow from one of the rooms.
Esther pushed the gate and stepped onto the wet grass. This earned her a bark from one of the dogs who sported a red collar. She stepped back, bumping into Johnny's chest. He steadied her and bent down to pat the dog on its head. Esther noticed the dog was missing a leg. The rest of the dogs watched her with tired eyes.
"Where is everyone?,"she asked.
"Ah... Well, she must've gone off to Mrs Barley's. I heard her youngest was due soon."
Esther nodded. Sometime in the past, it was expected that she too would follow into her Grandma's steps and become a midwife. She could've been if not for the summer she met Peter and realized there was life outside the small town perched on the mountains. A life, which years later, she understood to be lonely.
Johnny opened the door for her and in his gentle voice, added, "Welcome home."
Esther stepped inside. The darkness paled somewhat when she found the light switch and turned it on. Barely anything had changed save for the curtains and the carpet. The polished wooden floors still smelled of pine. A scent of charred wood lingered in the air. It came from the hearth which was full of gray-white ash. Denuded walls showed empty squares and ovals, one shade darker than the rest of the color. She wondered where the pictures that hung there had gone. She wondered whether Bethany grew angry and threw them and all the memories away.
"Food?,"Johnny asked.
Esther realized he had been watching her in silence.
"No, I don't feel like it, Johnny. I think I'll go rest."
He glanced at the stairs winding upstairs and nodded slowly. "I remember you were afraid of being alone."
"I got used to it."
"You've grown."
"And you've grown old." She reached out and placed her hand over his arm. Then took her luggage from his hold. "Thank you for everything, Johnny. I really appreciate it."
"City folks and their thank yous,"he muttered, turning around. As he made his way to the front door, Esther watched him sneak his hand into his pocket to pull out the box of cigarettes. She headed upstairs.
It was no trouble locating her room from the three bedrooms. One of them had been turned into a store room and was locked, one belonged to Bethany and the other, which boasted of once elegant but now faded carving, was hers. The knob was cold in her palm as she turned it and stepped inside.
The bag landed on the ground with a dull thud and Esther fell back on the bed. She didn't bother to change. The sheets were recently sunned and aired. They smelled of detergent and sunshine. They smelled of a home she'd left, believing she would make another.
She curled up into a ball and waited for sleep to come.
Dawn brought with it a quiet twittering birds, a mild Winter sunshine and the smell of coffee. Esther though,was still lying in bed, covered in heavy blankets she'd somehow rolled around herself during the night. She tossed and turned some more, listening to the sound of conversations and hurried footsteps that filled the house, unwilling to peel the blankets away and step out of the door.
A knock made her ears perk up but her heavy body refused to answer. She remained still, staring up at the ceiling, then at the wallpapered walls. The small flowers on them looked alive.
"Esther?"
The voice was not the commanding one she expected. It came softly, shyly.
Esther pushed the blankets aside and stood. The floor felt cold to her socked feet. One glance at the mirror showed a mass of red hair, curling and falling on her shoulders in an untameable cluster.
"Esther? Are you awake?"
Esther ran her hand through her hair and hurried to the door. When she opened it, she remembered she was still wearing her fancy black gloves. Too late. A plump faced woman with thick blonde hair, blue eyes and deeply pink cheeks, stared at her. Esther blushed.
"I'm sorry. I ended up sleeping in."
"It's alright. Johnny says the city is quite far."
"Johnny-- Oh, you're Lova."
The woman smiled. There was a gap between her front teeth which made the smile somehow imperfect and more endearing.
"And you must be fox,"she said.
Esther blinked. "What?"
"I-- I mean you have red hair and the socks and gloves are black, and the eyes... well-- Bethany has asked you to come downstairs. Please hurry."
Lova glided down the hallway and disappeared around the bend of the staircase.
Esther dressed in a brown sweater, a pleated skirt that touched her knees and warm woolen stockings. Before leaving, she glanced at the mirror. And truly, with her angular face and gray eyes, the fox was right there.
When Esther entered the kitchen, Bethany's back was turned to her. She worked nimbly, delivering a batch of cookies from the oven and carefully depositing the cool ones into the jar. Bethany had lost all color in her hair. They were now white and translucent, gleaming in the sunshine that fell in through the window.
"Grandma."
Bethany did not turn. "Yes, Esther?"
"Well... Good morning."
"Yes, good morning."
She was angry then.
Uneasily, Esther sat down in the chair, glancing around. Lova was nowhere to be seen.
"Is this how late you got up in the city?" Bethany reached for a china tea pot sitting on the counter. Steam escaped the blue snout.
"No, I was tired from the trip, that's all."
Esther watched the amber colored tea trickle into the bottom of the cup. It calmed the tension in her shoulders which she hadn't noticed until Bethany rested her palm on it.
"I welcome you back Esther. But I have a feeling something's not right."
"I told you everything in the letter, Grandma. I am fine. I just needed a little vacation."
Bethany narrowed her eyes. "This is too sudden..."
"I said I am fine. Is that bad? Are you unhappy I came here? Do you want me to go back?"
"Esther, that is not what I meant,"Bethany berated. The wrinkles in the corner of her eyes deepened. "God, you are still the same."
"Well, I took that from you,"Esther said weakly. She felt stupid then. Drinking tea in that cozy little kitchen. Fighting with her Grandma who had, despite her infamous stubbornness, allowed Esther to stay in her life. By now, she was supposed to be in some ditch. Dead and free from the turmoil inside. Why was she there at all?
She took a sip of the tea. Bethany sat stiffly in her chair, her thin lips twisted in displeasure.
"Grandma..."
"Why didn't you come sooner?"
" I was caught up."
"Caught up in what?"
"All sorts of things. But I am sorry. I know I shouldn't have broken away from all of you. It was selfish."
"It was selfish." Bethany looked up and from the glimmer in her eyes, Esther knew what question was coming her way.
"Children?"
"No."
Again, a disappointed look flickered in her grandmother's eyes. "Yes, you never were fond of them. No wonder you couldn't be a midwife. One can teach the 'how-to' but appreciating the miracle of a birth, well, that much you have to be able to feel yourself." Then, "What is Peter up to these days?"
"I don't know."
Bethany clucked. "So you fought with him and came up here. I knew something was up."
Esther shrugged, concentrating on the tea. The rim had small golden flowers which meant Bethany had brought out the expensive cups for her. An uncomfortable prickle heated her neck as she kept up the lie.
"Let him stay there. Let him miss me."
"God, Esther." Still Bethany looked amused.
Through the backdoor of the kitchen, Lova stepped in. She was holding a small basket packed with fresh looking spring onions, spinach and peas. Lova set the basket on the counter, hesitating to step towards the table. "Here are your vegetables,"she said, shuffling back to the door. "I've to get the herd out to graze."
"Oh? Why don't you take Esther along?" Bethany turned to Esther. "Go out and get some fresh air."
Esther stared at Lova, uncertainly. And Lova stared right back.
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