By the time morning arrived, the world had lost all color and had turned pure white. Esther glanced out of the window and saw Bethany's dogs playing in the snow. The limp legged one barked more enthusiastically and trotted around, leaving paw prints deep in the snow. The supposedly older ones, shuffled from one end of the lawn to another.
Esther and Bethany did not talk at the breakfast table. Esther skipped the toast, eggs and tea and simply drank a glass of water, before venturing out. Unwilling to take a walk in the cold, she sat on the swing in the patio, wrapped up in a shawl and two layers of sweaters. She gazed at the dogs who were still tackling each other, their pink tongues lolling out, the different shades of gray and brown of their fur gleaming. At some point Bethany stepped out and ushered them all inside.
With the dogs in the house, the air grew still and quiet. But a howl still rang in Esther's ears. It had percolated deep inside her, settling down in a dark corner.
Were there wolves in the forest?
When she was a child, she'd never heard or seen any of them. The older people and hunters only spoke of voles, partridges, swans, caribous and foxes. Centuries ago, the wolves had fled when the humans ventured and made a part of the woods their own.
"Mornin'."
Esther started out of her thoughts and her gaze focused on Johnny. How had she not seen the big man venture through the gate?
"Morning,"she shifted, returning her socked feet to the floor. "What brings you here, Johnny?"
"Lova asked me to run an errand." He showed her the cloth bag tucked in his arms. "Shallots and spring onions."
Esther went and opened the door for him, stepping inside herself.
"That's kind of her. She helps Grandma so much while I..."
"Fought Bethany again?" He sighed. "Let me tell you something. We do this because Bethany delivered my son safely."
Esther stopped, her eyes wide. "You have a child?"
The surprise in her expression seemed to embarrass him.
"Yes, he is nine."
" I didn't know-- you didn't tell me."
"You never asked, Esther."
Now it was her turn to be embarrassed, envious and a little aching. She followed him quietly to the kitchen and watched Johnny deposit the bags on the counter. Bethany was sitting at the table, shelling peas.
"Thanks, Johnny. At least someone's helpful around here."
Esther colored at the remark. She clutched her hands and marched to the table, taking some of the peas to help clear the mound in the plate. Bethany let her do it.
Johnny took a stool resting against the wall and sat awkwardly. He was too big for the small seating.
"I'll make you some tea,"Bethany said, tapping a small worm out of a shell. It started crawling across the table.
"What's his name?"Esther asked, turning to the man again.
"Lark."
Lark. Her eyes grew mellow. "That's a sweet name."
Johnny smiled fondly. "I'll bring him around one of these days."
Dorothy would've been his age by now. They could've played together. She pushed the urge to tell him that.
"Johnny?Are there any wolves around here?"
He took a peeled pea and popped it in his mouth.
"Why do you ask?"
"I heard a howl last night."
He nodded. "I think there's a rogue one out there. The woods are not the woods you knew, Esther. Don't go exploring alone.."
"What do you mean a rogue wolf?"
"I mean we find paw prints, small animal carcasses killed a certain way but we never see the wolf. And the paw prints... They are quite large. It's never harmed any of our people so whatever it is, we let it be and it lets us be."
"There were no searches or anything...?"
"There was no need. Why disturb the peace?"
She returned her gaze to the peas. The worm had managed to crawl on her hand. When she noticed, she caught it between her fingers and deposited it on the table. Then, out of pity, nudged it with a few peas to eat. Johnny watched this with an amused twinkle in his eyes.
That's when they heard the growl which came from her belly.
Esther clutched her stomach with embarrassment. Johnny though, bent to her.
"I'm going to the lake. Do you want to come? I'll treat you to some fresh catch."
Before she could answer,Bethany put down the cup on the table and took her seat again.
"Only when you are done with the peas,"she said, giving both of them a stern look.
Esther put on her thick woolen gloves, boots and a jacket with fur lining. Her gaze flickered to the mirror, but she refused to see her reflection and quickly left the room.
It took them an hour of trekking through the woods to reach the lake. Over the decade it hadn't changed. It was the lake from her memories where she played and swam on her back in the summers, her face turned up to the blue sky. At present, it had turned gray reflecting the color of the heavens above. A thin layer of ice had gathered over the water, but it had cracked and could be waded through.
Johnny's boat idled near the shore,hidden under a black plastic tarp. There were other boats too, with names and numbers of the owners printed on them.
"You sold the old one?"she asked, looking at the unflaked paint on the sides as she carefully got in.
"She broke down one day. Had to let her go."
Before taking up the oars, he took out a cigarette and lit it. The spice-tinted smoke drifted up to Esther who turned her face the other way, looking at the peaks of the mountains that rose beyond the pines.
For a long time, the only sound she heard was that of the oars dragging through the water. Sometimes they hit a piece of ice and it drifted aside, glinting in the early morning sun that had began to peek out of the clouds. When they reached the center of the lake, he stopped rowing and pulled out the fishing equipment from a box.
Esther bent a little from the side of the boat and stared at the deep blue water. The fishing line disappeared beneath it.
Peter had come to the town purely because of luck. He'd closed his eyes and let his fingertip decide the destination where he would spend his summer. When he arrived, he was swept by the beauty of the town. The tall green pines, the colorful, cozy cottages, the lake that shimmered golden when the sun rose beyond the mountains--the innocence and purity his city life lacked. And to her, he was the connection to a world of glamour and thrill.
"You smell of pines," He said to her one day as they rowed farther and farther away from the shore in Johnny's boat, taken without his permission.
"Do you like it?"
"I love it."
A fish thumped inside the bucket, silver and gasping. It leaped for a few moments, struggling, before going limp and taking one last breath. Esther stared at the dead fish. She took off her gloves slowly. The cold air nipped at her skin. While Johnny wasn't looking, she put her hand in the ice cold water. It sent a sharp shiver down up her spine. Still, she did not retreat.
The world would look so beautiful from down there. In the dark, floating, with the broken sheets of ice above. The ice would gleam white, letting in thin spangles of winter light. Slowly, she would sink to the bottom and quietly rest there. Little fishes would come and chew on her skin, finishing her bit by bit. And one day, she would stop existing.
Later that day, Esther found herself sitting in Lova's kitchen, prodding at the fish that had been fried and garnished with a slice of lemon. Johnny sat opposite her,sipping from a glass of wine, urging his son to step forward and greet the guest. He did not.
Lark hid behind Lova, glancing at Esther warily, shyly.
"He is a sweet boy,"Esther said, but her heart clenched at the roundness of his face, the roundness of his eyes and the small mouth. She was envious of the way the child held his mother, the way Lova smiled at Johnny and how Johnny's eyes grew soft at the sight of his family. A small world spread before her eyes to which she did not belong.
Where was her home?
Where did she belong?
Her throat closed up with a lump. Esther peeled her eyes from Lark and squeezed a bit of lemon on the fish before cutting it bit by bit. After the meal, she thanked the couple, patted Lark on the cheek and left the house.
She wandered down the streets of the town, looking through the windows of the shops, pausing at the lone fountain in the center depicting Leda and the Swan, then searching again. Searching for a remnant of the past, something to connect to, to hold her down, to keep her from leaping into the lake and ending it all. Yes, that was why she had come back. To keep herself from dying. It occurred to her that she had been betrayed by her own mind which had split into two- one side plotting her death, the other fighting to keep her alive.
And the resulting confusion was maddening.
Exhausted, she returned to the Bethany's house and sat down in the patio. It had grown dark by then. Her body was aching. She curled up on the swing, her gaze fixed on the pines. And then she heard it again.
The howl of that rogue wolf.
Comments (0)
See all