Crutchie's POV
Ow, my neck hurts... My back hurts too... Where am I again?
What happened?
I can't seem to remember...
My eyes fluttered open and I groaned, the bright light streaming through ally blinding my still sleep filled my eyes. I had moved to a different ally since last night, I knew that Smalls had been following me yesterday so I pretended to fall asleep so she would leave and go tell Jack that I was there. When she had turned back to tell him where I was I had hot footed it out of there I refused to be late for work. The work that I had gotten myself. Not Jack, me.
That being said, I had spent the rest of the day begging my foreman for forgiveness, I had been late for the work since...
Well, big, dream filled and hopeful Crutchie thought he could be a Newsie.
A mirthless, hollow laugh slipped past my lips. I was such an idiot. That dream was never gonna to come true.
Even though I only knew Jack for a short time I felt like... no, that was just plain silly. To be honest though, I-I thought he really cared. Turns out I was just a charity case, something to brag about and to say that he fixed. I shook my head with disgust and as much as I tried to hold it in, I was overcome with sadness. It turns out all people are the same, but I guess I knew that already. It's just... a shame I guess.
I unwrapped my arms from around myself and sighed, the dirty ally around my looking all the sadder in the soft morning light.
I shook my head, hard. What was I doing! Just because I had someone to talk to for one blooming day I felt... ugh, and it pains me to admit it. I felt lonely. I didn't want to go to being just me, all alone with no one to call my friend.
I'm so pathetic.
I felt so... So... helpless. I know it's so ridiculous but... Having the feeling of Jack caring about me, even if it wasn't real made me feel so good. Like, I actually mattered enough to have someone care if I just didn't wake up, like I knew that at least one person would remember me if I decided to just end it today. Thinking of having no one to call my family all of my life had always made my heart ache, but the pain had numbed over the years of not having my dreams fulfilled. But now, now that I had gotten a taste, just a little tease of what it felt like. The ache had come back and...
Those idea's were back too. The little voice in the back of my head was whispering to me again, telling me his thoughts of what I should do. I didn't know if I should call them bad ideas, I don't know.
I didn't feel like living anymore, and I was wondering why I was even trying. I didn't have a family to support, I didn't have friends. I shook my head sadly, my line of sight flicking towards my stash of little trinkets I had collected over the years. I knew what was in there, something that could solve all of my problems. Just one little decision... And all my worries are gone. It was only a matter of going and doing it.
Maybe...
I crawled over to the opposite wall and wrapped my fingers around one of the bricks in the wall, wiggling the cold hard stone back and forth until the brick came free from the other stones surrounding it. I set the newly freed brick aside and withdrew a small, beat up box that was nestled behind where the brick had sat and set it on my lap. I opened the dilapidated little box and reached inside, my fingers immediately going to the broken shaving blade that I had found months ago.
I took it and held it up to my face, my eyes flicking over the shiny metal.
A small, barely there smile crossed over my lips. Hardly a smile at all. More like an unrecognizable twitch, maybe a trick of the eye. I looked at the small object in my hands, pondering in amazement that something so small could end something so big--well... My life is hardly something big, but it was the only thing that I could control and truly call mine. No one could take my life away from me, not if I could help it and believe me, I would never let someone take that away from me.
But...
It turns out, as of now, I don't want it.
I let out a frustrated sigh, my fingers closing around the small blade and my head banging against the brick behind me as my head flopped backwards.
"What am I supposed ta do!"
I yelled, my voice echoing off the walls and rising into the warm morning air. I clenched my hands tighter and then gasped as the sharp blade pierced the skin of my hand.
My head tipped forwards, my eyes zeroing in on my now open palm. The blade was still there, along with a small bead of fresh blood. It stung a little but it didn't really bother me, it took my mind off the other, more ridiculous pain going on inside my mind and in my stupid, sentimental heart. I flexed my hand and my muscle contracted, causing some more of my blood to ooze out of my newly gained cut.
Well... I guess that's a start.
More?
I didn't know.
I just sat there and watched the blood slowly dry on my palm, the small bead of red liquid running down my hand and coming to a halt an inch or so away from where it had emerged from my skin.
I licked my lips and then drew the bottom one between my teeth, chewing on it thoughtfully before I closed my fingers around the broken handle, bringing it to my wrist and resting it there.
I hesitated, wondering for the hundredth time if this was the right decision.
I took in a deep, calming breath and pressed down gently, the sting of the razor pressing into my skin making me grit my teeth. I didn't push in far, just a little. I always only did just a little.
An experiment.
I watched with a glazed expression as my wrist began to bleed. It was slow, small amounts of liquid almost sluggishly rising to the surface and adding a vibrant shade of red to my pale skin. I hadn't pressed very hard, barely slicing through the top layer. You would think that with all the time I spent in the New York sun I would be as dark as soot, but, I never seemed to tan more than a few shades. It made my already com-promisingly small stature look all the weaker.
Maybe the reason was the thick layer of dirty looking smog that always seemed to cover the sky, only relinquishing its power over it for a precious few hours at night so that the stars could shine down and bring some joy to the poor souls below.
I don't know. And frankly, this didn't really matter right now.
I shook my head, waking myself from the daze I had drifted into. My eyes fell onto the blade in my hand, still gently pressed against my skin.
I blinked. Once, twice. I gasped and threw it away from me, my knees coming to meet my chest as I swallowed thickly.
What was I doing! I had fought tooth and nail to keep my life away from all the filthy people who wanted to take it! What was I thinking! There was no way I could just throw that all away!
My heart beat against my ribs a little to fast for my liking, and my breaths came in and out of my lungs at an uneven pace. My own actions scared me, I didn't know what drove to even be thinking these kinds of thoughts again.
My knee felt wet and my brows furrowed in confusion, my head tipping up to look at the sky. No, it wasn't raining.
I glanced down at knee and mused to myself in understanding. The noise along with m y expression almost comical if you looking at it fro another persons point of view.
I cautiously drew my wrist up to my face for inspection and I felt y heart sink a little.
That's a-a lot deeper that I thought.
I stared down at my bleeding wrist and frowned.
What is wrong with me!!! It's like i'm in some sort of stupid, idiotic daze! Snap out of it... Crutchie? Can I call myself that?
I groaned. Great, now I don't even know what I should call myself.
I still liked the name, I just... It made me think of him. And I kinda just wanted to erase him from my mind at the moment.
He was the one to make me start feeling again. It was all. His. Fault.
I cradled my wrist to my chest and sighed, I knew I was feeling sorry for myself but I seriously didn't know what to do next. My life before *cough* him seemed fine but now... It just seemed so pointless. That was another thing I hated him for, he made me feel like my life was pointless.
Stupid Jack Kelly.
Comments (0)
See all