I could feel Wolf going on high alert, but I didn’t want him to handle this. Taking a deep breath I spoke up. “I’m not wearing that.”
I hadn’t exactly noticed how much these two towered over me, but I wasn’t going to back down. If I could regain control of my body, then I could as the very least, learn to stand up for myself. “The Doctor has given clear instructions that you are to wear this when you are being escorted through the Institution.”
Feeling my hands shake, and what I’m sure was a snarl from Wolf, I jutted out my lower lip, and tossed back the raggedy strands of hair from my face. “No!”
They were about to advance on me, but before they had a chance to force me into that awful thing; someone cleared their throat from the doorway. “Rowan, I understand that the jacket is not pleasant, but we cannot risk you hurting yourself.”
Looking past the orderlies, I caught sight of the Doctor. My eyes jumped in the direction of the jacket, and then back to him. Taking in the gauze that was delicately wrapped around his right arm, from the wrist up, it didn’t take long for me to realize that that was probably my fault. My posture slackened, and I submitted, allowing the orderlies to put it on me and secure the buckles. If the Doctor was here, then that meant it was time for our daily session, I wouldn’t be stuck like this long. I have to pick my battles, just take deep breathes; think of Mess Hall, big places.
The Doctor smiles at me, and once the orderlies are sure that the buckles are good and tight, we leave the solitary room. For a second, I find myself overwhelmed by the noise that greets me. With the room being completely soundproof, the mechanic cries of patients, and the subtle up and down of music coming from the nurses’ station was a bit jarring.
The halls worked like a labyrinth; to me they seemed impossible to navigate. Though, that confusion might be because I’m never without an escort. When I first got here, they tried to give me some time alone, but, that didn’t go well. I wasn’t at my best when I first arrived.
Finally, we make it to the Doctor’s office. The Doctor opens the door and enters; followed by meat cake one, and me, and meat cake two. Once they sit me down, they unbuckle the jacket. I may or may not have been holding my breath to keep from screaming. Either way, I let out a sigh, glad to have use of my arms again.
Once the Doctor settled into his chair, he dismissed the orderlies, and we were alone. “How’s your nose?”
My eyes wandered in the direction of the window, taking in the rusted colors of the leaves outside “Fine.”
Wolf let lose a snarl that only I could hear, and before I can root in my control, he’s forced his way forward. My head turns from the window, and we are looking the Doctor dead in the eye. Wolf’s voice is set at a lower octave than mine, as if it rattles its way up from the chest. “Yet, you couldn’t be bothered to come and help when she broke it.”
I push her back, intent on having my say. Rowan wasn’t pleased, her muttering of words like mutiny were enough to confirm that, not to mention the lingering feeling of anger directed at me.
Turning the body’s full attention towards the Doctor, I continue to stare him down. He’s been handling the shifts very well. I recall the first time this happened. He got a bit nervous, he also had orderlies standing by, and the body had been confined in a jacket. That was the only time I forgave him for the use of that long sleeved monstrosity, it was common procedure for someone who’d been found criminally insane. Now was different, now there was no excuse to use that thing whenever Rowan was being moved through the hallways, and I had every intention of telling him so. “I thought we agreed that the jacket wasn’t going to be used anymore, Doctor?”
For a moment, he is frozen caught in my glare. It takes a second for him to recover. “Wolf, this is Rowan’s session.”
I nod the head, and cross the legs, letting the right ankle rest on the left thigh. “Yes, and I want to talk about how you are treating her, I thought we agreed the jacket was too much this far into the treatment.”
His gaze unwavering, the Doctor sighs, “you’ve been keeping memories from her, she has to fight for them, and that hasn’t been going well.”
I look away and out the window. I can see why Rowan prefers to look out as opposed to focusing on the Doctor, it’s a lovely view. We don’t get out much these days; but even from inside, the fall foliage is a welcome change of scenery. “I’m aware.”
Hearing him shift, I snap the head around, stating my opinion as calmly as one could. “She obviously can’t handle knowing, we’ve discussed this.”
The good Doctor is growing impatient with me, he eyes go steely for a millisecond, only to calm and return to their wave like blue. “No, Wolf, I think she can, if you would just let her try.”
The lip curls upward into a snarl. “I tried doing things your way, and you know how that turned out!”
His posture slackens, but only for a moment, he isn’t ready to give just yet. The Doctor has a telling sign; he rubs his eyes with his thumb and pointer finger. “I know you’ve had issues trusting me since that happened, but…”
“That’s an understatement, look at these!”
I pulled down the collar of the Asylum uniform, revealing a series of angry rope burns around the neck. “She can’t handle knowing, if you can’t see that then we have nothing to talk about!”
Perhaps I said too much, I could see the hurt in the Doctor’s eyes. There is a very long pause; it ripples with hurt and indignation. At long last, he breaks it and tries to approach at a different angle. “You need to trust Rowan to be able to handle what happened, what she did. Coming to terms with it takes time-.”
I cut him off before he has the chance to go further. “You mean what I did; Rowan had nothing to do with it!”
I’m wearing him down, I can tell, his eyes are no longer steel or waves of water. They go placid when he’s ready to call an end to sessions. “She can’t keep relying on you, Wolf, not after what happened. It was still her body that committed the crime.”
A snarl emanates from the chest, falling back into the chair, I hiss. “That bitch deserved it.”
Nodding, the Doctor scratches something down on the notepad. His agreement comes out, barely a whisper. “Perhaps she did, but there is no proof of abuse to claim her murder as self-defense.”
The fingers dig into the arms of the chair. “Am I not proof enough!?”
There’s the sadness again. “Wolf, I’m sorry, I know this is frustrating for you and for, Rowan.”
I focus on the lap, folding the hands in it, avoiding eye contact; I don’t want him to see anything of me in her. I speak more to those hands than I do him in that moment. “I don’t want to disappear, she needs me.”
His voice is soft now, trying to coax me into seeing things his way. “Wolf, you protected her, and in order for her to fully heal you need to let her see it. I know you know she’s been trying to remember, but you keep blocking her.”
The eyes are wet, and I look up at him. “I don’t have much of a choice when I pop up like I do.”
The look he gives me is a mixture of shock. I don’t believe he expected me to crack like this. In the three years that we had been here, I never backed down. Something had changed, I had changed. No, it was her, it was always Rowan. Even now, I could feel her forcing her way forward, she was demanding a say; and if I respected her as much as I claimed, I had to allow her that. So I vacated the helm, and she stepped up. Snapping the head back from its lulling position, I was present, but no longer in charge.
I hadn’t heard much of the conversation, but I felt enough to know that Wolf was hurting, or, at least, he had been. There were tears in my eyes, and a sob was ready to break through my lips. Opening my eyes I looked to the Doctor, he was staring at me with this strange blend of worry and awe. “What happened?”
For a moment, it was all silence. Slowly, the Doctor fell back into his chair, smiling halfheartedly, pulling back the stray bits of hair in his face. “I believe we’ve made a break through.”
Comments (0)
See all