The sun had not risen yet but the shadows were paling and dripping away. Soon Periwinkle and rose gold would show through. For now though, the world was still and quiet. Not a single bird cheeped in the branches. The wind did not stir. The only sound she could hear crisply, was the snow crunching beneath her shoes. Somewhere in the sky, a lone star watched her as she crept through the dark pines with a small lantern clasped in her hand. The circle of light given off by the lantern guided her through the bluish haze that seemed to clog the air.
All through the night she had remained awake, unable to sleep, unwilling to try. She did not want another morning where she woke up to nothing, to no one. As the hours slid by,slowly, endlessly, she rose and dressed. Her hands shook as she pushed the buttons of her shirt through their noose.
Esther passed through the quiet hallway, pausing in front of Bethany’s room for a moment, before continuing towards the staircase. No one noticed her leaving, not even the dogs who were asleep near the fireplace, curled up against each other for warmth. She opened the door and crept outside.
For a long time, the frozen pines towered above her, showing only a little patch of the sky. She wondered whether she had taken a wrong turn and was lost, but soon, the dark cluster opened up to a familiar path. The lake, black and smooth, glistened in the faint light. Esther stopped near the shore. Her eyes burned. The tip of her nose had grown cold and red. Her breath came out in unsteady white plumes--ghosts that were leaving her body now that it was going to be no more.
She stepped towards the edge of the lake. As water filled her rubber boots, soaked into the socks, a sharp chill jolted her. She did not withdraw. Her heart beating in her ears, she took another step ahead. The water splashed quietly, rippling outward. She wondered how dark it must look beneath the water, how quiet. Near the shore, the lantern set on the ground glimmered alone.
Another step.
Water grazed her knees, then the skirt began to float. She crossed her arms, her shoulders tensing beneath the sweater.
“Do it,”she said. “Do it.”
Her feet froze, refusing to budge.
“Do it, Esther.”
Swallowing the lump in her throat, she took another step. This one landed far deeper than she had anticipated and she plunged into the water up to her chin, struggling to keep the sudden rush of panic at bay. The water soaked into her clothes, turning them heavier. Pulling at her legs, her hands, it dragged her body into the depths, beneath the glittering layers of ice. For a moment that felt like eternity, she was dark and liquid and one with the water. Only somewhere, her heart kept beating. She needed to let it happen. She needed to let the dark water gush into her mouth and nose and stop her heart.
Yet she found herself gasping for a breath and flailing to rise upward. A gulpful of water rushed into her throat, cold and sweet, setting her lungs on fire. Her legs swayed beneath the water, arms thrashed blindly trying to lead her ashore.
And they did.
As Esther lied on the muddy ground,one foot still dipped into the water, she coughed with a rasping sound rising from her chest. Behind her, the ripples in the lake stilled and once again, the water turned into smooth black glass.
Her vision clouded with hot tears. Something rose up her throat and this time, she let it. Esther screamed. She beat her fist into the soil, again and again, pounding it with all the strength that was left in her. In the silence of the woods, her cry was as raw as the wolf’s howl.
When her knuckles turned purple, she curled up in the mud numbly. Her hair stuck to her face and neck, dripping with water. The clothes, still damp, clung to her skin. She trembled with cold and grief.
By then the light of the lantern had turned a little dim. It flickered as a breeze swept through the pines, rippling the water with a quiet rustle.
Esther could have lied there forever, numb and still, if not for the warm rush of breath on the back of her ear that made goosepimples rise on her flesh. A stench of wet animal fur swept to her nose. Now aware of every sound and stirring, she heard the slow rumbling in a throat. Slowly, with her heart hitting against her rib cage, she turned on her back and the blood in her veins turned to ice.
Staring down at her were a pair of eyes made of liquid amber. In the light of the lantern, they gained an unearthly gleam that made her see tiny stars floating in them. Stars that surely weren’t there.
The eyes belonged to a wolf who towered over her, eclipsing the sky. He was far, far larger than she knew wolves to be. The fur on his body gleamed as white as the snow that had began to fall from the sky. She saw his flank expand and collapse as powerful rush of breath escaped his nostrils.
Esther could neither move nor breathe. Her hands clenched on her sides. Her gaze would not break away from his though she knew it could threaten him.
A few moments ago, she wanted to die.
Why be so frightened now?
A snowflake landed on his glistening nose. A perfect six fold shape that melted quickly. He lifted his head and looked towards the pines in silence before letting out that howl she had come to recognize. It vibrated beneath the lining of her skin.
He glanced down at her once, then moved away from her, trotting off into the woods. Esther was left stunned, staring up at the gray sky she could see far more clearly now.
The snow glittered in her hair.
It took effort to return home and sneak back into the house without anyone’s notice. As a young girl Esther was adept at escaping Bethany’s eyes and stealing away to explore. Now, as she crept through the living room and up the staircase, she realized the skill hadn’t left her.
She washed off the mud in her hair and skin with hot water. She looked into the mirror emptily and smudged away the blur of vapor to reveal the woman beneath. The steam had returned some semblance of color to her face.
It wasn’t a dream. She really had seen the rogue wolf. White and large with glowing eyes. But not violent. Why had he not killed her? What was he looking for? What do rogue wolves look for?
She had no answers and could not demand any. Asking around also meant confessing her moment of utter weakness. Once again her mind whirred back to the lake and the darkness that lay hidden beneath it. Her chest clenched at the memory. She wasn’t courageous enough to live and neither to die. What was she supposed to do now? What did life have in store for her?
Later that evening Esther was busy stirring the beef stew in the pot. It was nearly ready and the aroma had spread around the kitchen. Bethany appreciated the help and chose to sit by the table, reading from the Bible and sipping tea now and then. A quiet knock on the backdoor made both their heads lift. Esther was the one to answer.
Lark stood before her, his head lowered shyly. He was balancing on one foot while the other was bent.
“Ma says to come for bonfire.”
“Well, we’ve already cooked, child,”Esther said, reaching out to straighten the tilted cap on his head.
He shuffled. “Ma says to come.”
Bethany put away the book. “Come now, Esther. Let’s take that stew and go to Lova’s.”
Johnny had set a bonfire outside his house. A few chairs and a table was laid out. On top of the table, a steaming pot and a saucepan waited. When Esther, Bethany and Lark reached the gate, they were welcomed by Johnny who was bent near the fire, roasting a piece of meat. It smelled delicious and of spices probably created in the secrecy of Lova’s kitchen.
Lova stepped out of the house with a bottle of wine in hand. She gave Esther her sweet gap-toothed smile.
“It was her idea to do this,”Johnny said, without turning from the blaze. “Thought you must be getting bored by yourself.”
Esther was touched by the gesture. “Thank you, Lova,”she said, putting the container full of beef stew on the table.
Looking unsure how to respond, Lova ignored the words and motioned everyone to the chairs. She poured ample. She served plenty. Lova loved to have people eat her cooking. Lark sat by his father’s side, learning to roast the meat properly in the blaze. Bethany spoke to Lova now and then about the possibility of another delivery soon. And Esther merely watched them. Up above them, the sky was clear and swollen with stars. The pines were quiet and watchful. Her fingers itched to take up her pen and jot it down so she would never forget that an evening could also be this beautiful. This cozy. Was it just this morning she had wanted to end it all?If she had, what would the evening be like?
A wetness spreading on her lap made her focus return on the table. Lova has knocked a glass of water and now it pooled and trickled on Esther’s dress.
“I’m so sorry,”Lova said, her face flushed. Johnny turned to look as well. Bethany searched for a piece of cloth on the table. She found one and held it to Esther.
“Here.”
As Esther took it and noticed the tensed expression on everyone’s faces, she found herself smiling, then laughing. “It’s alright,”she said, “It’s just a bit of water.” Her laughter made everyone else ease up too. Lova smiled sheepishly and settled down, while Johnny returned to the meat that was nearly ready. Lark watched her a moment longer, before picking up the stick he’d been toying with.
The tears in the corner of Esther’s eyes glinted as she patted the dampness with the cloth. It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright.
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