Asorotany feels like he has been chewed by a dog, spitted out, and then the dog wasn't satisfied enough so he called on his buddy to chew on Asorotany some more and spitted out again and being tramp to shreds.
Asorotany doubles over as soon as the animal's hooves touch the ground, gripping the ram's horns, clenching his teeth. A second ago, he was trapped in a forcefield sphere that compresses all the air inside his lungs into a tight ball, then the next they were crashing through the trees, gnarly branches twist and fallen on their trail.
Even though the ram made the landing far more graceful than it should be, a smashing force hit Asorotany from underneath his belly.
"Exhale," The ram instructs.
His heart goes wild in his ribs, fluttering violently like a butterfly breaking out of its chrysalis shell.
Asorotany clutches his chest, wheezing and gasping. Sharp drumming sound pierces his hearing. Pains erupt in his brain as if somebody sticks a knife there and twists and twists and twists.
"Motion sickness?" The ram snickers.
He wants to say something snarky, but he can't trust himself with anything, currently. So, instead, he opts for numbly letting out the breath traps in his lungs. The acidic burps already burning its way up his esophagus. His stomach bobs, swinging to his mouth, threatening to burst out from his mouth.
The throbbing behind his eyeballs intensified, sending sparks of black and white to his vision.
"Lucky us not, it's a full-moon today." The ram comments as it slips through a small opening between two low-hanging branches. Dead leaves and twigs snap under its hooves. Its steps, rhythmic, strong and brisk, echoing into the inky forest enveloped them.
Asorotany raises his face a little and peers at their surrounding. He stills feel sick in his head, thoughts swim and struggles to stay afloat.
A long, low toll rumbles across the sky, sending a sweep of wind across the atmosphere, trees shake and clap, hailing for the high above.
Long Live the Queen, Long Live the Queen.
The hair along his arms stand. Asorotany swallows down the weird sensation creeping up his nape, finally pinpoint where they're heading.
Dipping behind the black, trembling crowns of the outcropped forest is the curled, golden-tinted roof of Shinwa Shrine, the guarding dragons and lions bare their fangs and nails to the devils. Round, yellow-orange lanterns sway in the wind like stars drifting from the sky.
"What are we doing here?" He croaks and flinches. He coming out squeaky and high-pitched like nails dragging across chalkboard.
"Meeting new friends."
They are heading toward Shinwa Cemetery, where dead body in Shinwa is buried at.
Including Fische.
"Stop." He says. "I need to get off."
The ram doesn't stop. "You're walking there?" It asks, and then snorting at itself like there is anything funny.
Asorotany lurches. "I'm going to puke."
And the moment he spews the words, he already tumbles to the ground, vomiting his gut out. But there isn't anything flood out of his mouth. Only air, only empty, acrid air heaves out of him. Yet he retches hard as if to empty out bloated, guilty sensation. He thinks of all the time Fische and him had been together, thinking of the hidden messages Fische had been communicating through his delicate touches and grin, thinking of Fische's hooded eyes and the stiff smiles.
The wind hisses into his ears, accusing of his ignorant. Memories, as raw as the bitter, sharp smell shrapnels of mountain pines and magnolia, penetrate through him.
His mind drifts back to Emi for a second. Something in his chest tugs. Seeing Emi like that—vulnerable, isolated, sorrowful—reminds him of Fische on his last days. His lone back, hard-edged ribs, his bony hands shoving against Asorotany's shoulders, his nonchalant smile.
He remembers the way Emi clings to him, the way she looks at him, the fleeting please smug she hid when he gave her undivided attention. And he wonders if that has been Fische, during the last days of his life. Reaching out, desperates for attention, only to return with a strug, a dismissal wave, a giggle, a slap on the back.
He shuts his eyes, rests his forehead and breathes in earth's murky scent. The damp dirt sinks its teeth onto his palms, and all he wants is to be wholly consumed by the ground.
"Get up, boy," The ram rubs its nose the back of his neck, nudging him. He shudders at its breath. "I've duties to tend to."
Asorotany keeps his voice level, still hugging the ground. "I want to stay here."
The ram buffs fisfuls of white smoke and cocks its head, making a throaty, throttle sound above its tongue. "Your brother makes a request."
Asorotany's head snaps up.
"Special privilege of the dead," The animal adds mildly.
Asorotany continues to stare. His throat itches, as if he has swallowed too much cherry petals.
The ram sighs and shoves its front hoof onto his sides, impatiently scowls as he recoils and pushes himself onto his feet. "Gei was a much better storyteller, but all us Nihongo had been kicked off the grid, and somehow stupid Unmei has scavaged her fate and managed to work into the Chinese ranks, so blame your death on her."
Asorotany unconsciously takes a step backward, his lips quiver. Fright bubbles up from his abdomen. And all he can think of is running the other way.
A wisp of breeze kisses his cheekbones, running its fingers down his jawline and lightly pushes him. The shadow reckons.
The animal raises its chin. Its beady eyes dwell onto his. Asorotany feels the urge to cover up himself, doesn't want it to disentangle through his self-lies and false venge.
Asorotany's scared. But he's unsure what is he scared of. He has always wanted this. And now it's here. And now he's backing away.
What if seeing Fische mean Asorotany will discover the truth about Fische's death?
What will Asorotany do then?
Stop searching? Be Asorotany Halott again? Kick back his feet and be happy and satisfied?
He cannot fathom that. He simply can't.
He takes another step back.
He's shaped by Fische's death. Finding the killer has become his life purpose, fighting against the shadow his brother casted on him has ingrained in him. Him holding onto the memories of Fische is perhaps on him being selfish and perhaps not really because of love.
He cannot armour himself against Are, or this ram, and surely not against Fische. Because Fische knows him better than himself. Because Fische would see the truth written on Asorotany's forehead, even if Asorotany wraps rolls of gauze around his head.
How would he deal with guilt, then? How could he beat the total weight burden between his shoulder blades?
How could Asorotany ever admitted to Fische that he's only a selfish asshole that still using his brother's care to fill up the empty spots in his chest, even when his brother is dead?
The ram exhales, nodding at its back. "Well, don't make your brother wait."
Asorotany sways backward, eyes pricking with tears.
He ignores the clawing in his head and drags his feet to the ram. His legs are heavy with lead, but he manages to mount.
"I didn't know you're emotional." The animal teasing.
He didn't respond.
This time, the ram speaks up softly. Its voice is husky, a notch deeper than Are's. "I'm sure he'll forgive you."
"He will." Asorotany whispers. "He's Fische."
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