I’m going to vomit.
This was the first thing I thought of when my eyes flew open, heart pounding. I was sweating uncontrollably as the world seemed the spin around me, making my thoughts jumble together at high speeds. Where was I? I couldn’t remember as I looked down at my trembling fingers. I’m cold, where’s Chelsea? She’s gone, she left. She’s not here anymore. Why did she leave me, what did I do wrong? I began to shiver, feeling so very, very cold. She’s supposed to be here, I need her here.
I gasped, clapping a hand over my mouth to muffle the sound. I couldn’t wake them up, not like last time. Last time I had interrupted their sleep, I hadn’t been able to sleep myself for a week. The pain to keep me up all night and the cold water dunked over my head each time I’d started to doze. Chelsea had done nothing, she’d been gone then too. She didn’t watch them do it, maybe she was too scared or upset by it. Maybe she didn’t want to see her only brother sobbing his eyes out as the exhaustion became agony. Or maybe she didn’t care. But never did she stop them. Why didn’t she stop them? She didn’t stop.
No parents, they left too. Chelsea was all I had left, no other family members. No one else, and then she left me to die. I’m all alone, she left me all alone. I didn’t want to die, but she wanted me too. She left. By the gods, she wanted me dead. What had I done? When had I pushed her over the edge? I love her, I thought she loved me.
I suddenly realized I was under the bed, having slid off the side and huddled in a ball. Panting heavily, I raised my head out of my arms. The dust along the wood was rough against my cheek, grinding into my head and dancing across my eyes each time I breathed out. It was like sandpaper pressed into my flesh, my fingers curling tightly in my hair as I tried to breathe. My heart was still beating rather quickly, but I was taking deep shuddering breaths. I hadn’t started crying, which was a relief. I began counting backwards from ten in my head, focusing on each number and pronouncing them silently. I was still shaking, but I was doing my best to stop. I needed to stop before I woke somebody.
“Are you calm enough for me to touch you?” My heart jumped into my throat and I froze, I didn’t mean to wake him. I wanted to whine and scream, to beg and plead. I looked up slowly, opening my mouth to do one of the four when I froze once again. Max’s kind face gazed steadily at me out from under the bed. It wasn’t him, my alpha.
I started to slowly wiggle towards him, reaching out desperately. I wasn’t in trouble yet, Max didn’t look mad. I hadn’t meant to wake him up either, but he hadn’t told me it was a rule yet so maybe he won’t punish me. Or maybe I was supposed to already know. Then, his large hand closed around my clammy one and I felt my mind calming.
Usually, I’d end up pressing my back into a corner and pretending I was all alone. I had little to no privacy in the pack, even if I wasn’t approached often, I didn’t want them to see. If someone tried to talk to me or touch me, my tongue would seem to freeze to the roof of my mouth, making me unable to speak even thought all I wanted to do was shout at them to get off, go away.
In that moment, I wanted Max to hold me. I wanted to be wrapped up in a warm hug and I wanted to feel safe, how he usually made me feel. I practically crawled into his lap and pressed myself into a small ball.
“I’m sorry.” I mumbled, squeezing my eyes closed. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“Ssh, it’s alright.” Max began rocking back and forth, as I tried not to whimper pathetically.
“I-I’m sorry. I-” My throat seemed to close up. “I-I didn’t mean--I'm sorry--please I...” I broke off in a sob. Max ran a hand up and down my back, making me let out a long shuddering breath and I felt like melting into a puddle of emotions. I pressed my face into his neck, trying to ignore my thoughts that speed by hyper fast. Taking deep breaths, I soon found myself slumping against him and clenching handfuls of his shirt. I barely noticed how I was pushing this habit I’d developed onto him.
I was asleep before I noticed Max had pressed a kiss to the side of my temple.
~
“-asleep. Don’t want to wake him yet.”
“Rough night?”
The rest of the words jumbled up in my head as I tried to peel my eyelids apart. I recognized Max’s voice and the other voice I’d heard before but couldn’t quite connect it to a name or face. I stretched, unintentionally let out a sleepy sound. The conversation stopped.
I heard a curse and I yawned, rubbing my eyes open. I looked across the room to see Max once again shoving Alpha Marc out of the room, who was grinning in a mischievous way. Eyebrows drawing together in befuddlement, I watched Max heavily closed the door with a rather pink face.
"Max?" I called out quietly, head fuzzy. I could remember being tucked under a blanket, a warm arm across my stomach. I tried to remember what'd left a sour taste on my tongue and a crusty feeling around my eyes.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, kneeling besides the bed. I frowned, why was he asking? Had I been sick?
"I'm okay." I mumbled. Max ran a hand through my hair, petting through the wavy strands and gently pulling through knots.
"I'm glad," he murmured. "You scared me last night." I tilted my head to the side, opening my mouth to ask what he meant before I snapped it shut. Last night, I'd woken sweaty and shaking. Shame washed over me and I looked away, mortified I'd reacted in such a way to a silly nightmare I could hardly remember. That's what it was, I suddenly recalled, that's what had me shooting awake with a gasp in the middle of a panicky episode.
"I-I'm sorry." I couldn't meet his eyes. "I didn't mean to-"
"Don't apologize." he said quickly, cutting me off. "I wouldn't care if you woke me up every night. You weren't okay, I was only scared of you hurting yourself." He cupped one of my hands in his and uncurled my fingers, showing white crescent shapes along my palm where I'd dug my fingernails into my flesh. He leaned down and kissed the center of my palm.
Face flushed, I shrank away with wide eyes, my hand still held in his. "Wha-?" I began, stopping when his amber eyes met mine. I swallowed, confused by this change. He was being...caring? Affectionate? I wasn't sure what to describe it as, a warmth flooding my gut while my heart clenched painfully.
"Luka," he rumbled, resting his forehead against mine. "I don't know what you've experienced to make you so scared, but I promise that I'll protect you."
I'd never heard someone say that to me before, I felt like I was caught in some strange dream. A memory of a she-wolf curled up against a strong male, whispering similar words to her, popped into my head. I couldn't recall who they were or how I knew them, only that the intimate tone of voice was the same. Tears prickled the corners of my eyes, Max's face blurring for a moment. I suddenly sat up and threw my arms around his shoulders, sobbing pathetically into his chest.
And I sat there for so long, crying big ugly tears. I clutched at the back of his shirt, the fabric balled in my fists. A vulnerable, abandoned anxiety swelled in my chest and choked me. Shaking like a leaf in the wind, I tried to open my mouth to say something—anything—but I was unable to say anything.
“It’s alright to cry,” Max’s voice made me freeze, tears still slipping down my cheeks and clammy palms pressing into his shirt. “I’m guessing you’ve never really had a shoulder to cry on before, so I’ll be that for you.”
“Wh-why?” I managed to get out, muffled from where I’d practically burrowed into his arms. Max hummed questioningly, making me suck in a long breath to try and get out a coherent sentence. “You haven’t—you don’t—why would you...?” I tried to collect my spiraling thoughts, the whole situation turning at a dizzying pace. Any moment, Max would grow tired of my blubbering and push me away, or tell me to get out, or start shouting hurtful things.
“Breathe.”
It was like a vise slowly closing over my chest, making it harder and harder to think, suddenly snapped and I sucked in a deep breath. Sniffling, I whipped away tears.
“Just breathe, Luka.”
Comments (5)
See all