[Martin]

He’s still got his back glued on his door, like a scared little animal. All I can do is speak and hope for his forgiveness, but I’m so mesmerised by his adorable eyes that I barely can place a word. I try to repeat the monologue I prepared in my head but I can’t even remember how it starts. Then I notice his incomfort, and all I can do is try and break the silence. Unsure, the words start to flow:

“Listen… I… I never wanted to hurt you. And please, listen until the end… I’ve got a lot to say and I don’t know how I should or in which order. My mind feels fuzzy when you’re here, I… I can’t help it.

         I would have followed you from France to the North pole if I had to. You were everything to me. You… you still are. Only, it took me some time to really understand how I felt. We were sharing this dorm right behind that door, and every movement you made had my attention. Your eyes seemed brighter, I wanted them to only look at me. I never felt so close to you before, but the proximity slowly became unbearable as I couldn’t reach over the space that was between us.

       I always was taught what I was feeling was wrong. And if my family even knew about this, I’m positive they wouldn’t even want to look at me anymore. Well… you know them, right?

       I… I got scared. I couldn’t see you as a friend yet I couldn’t see you otherwise. You were always there and I thought it would always remain the same. But then I caught myself watching you sleep. Eat. Do your homework. I realised I had memorised your every movement since childhood. I thought you were cute when you yawned, ruffled your hair, smiled, frowned.

       I couldn’t take it. I knew you just would never feel the same toward me, and I didn’t know if I was able to love you in such a strange way. I remembered how we used to bother girls just to hear them scream, how we’d chop the head off of your little sister’s Barbies. And those were the memories I wished to keep of our relationship. I didn’t want to see you hurt as I’d break it all by telling you that I loved you with every single part of my whole being. I was so scared, just so scared…”

Tears form under my eyes. Jacque’s hand brushes my cheek, he encourages me to continue with a little smile. My voice breaks a little, but I go on:

“Then I told you I had to leave. I didn’t want it to end in this huge mess of a fight. I just… wanted to take some distance until my feelings withered. God Jacques you've got to believe me, never would I want to wear off your smile. But that’s exactly what I did, wasn’t it? I teased you because I couldn’t get away from you. I tried to escape, but you were always there in my mind. Even when you weren’t around, the thought of you made me go on. I just couldn’t let you go.

       And then we were standing in that hallway, with so many people watching and I forgot that hugging a boy here in Canada was... acceptable. I saw my parents and their disapproval, I saw our friends and those who were at our old school. And I just couldn’t let the students here see us like that. My brain couldn’t let them.”

I pause, a heavy silence gets between us. He looks at me with that astonished reaction he rarely pulls, and I guess I should leave before his answer comes and stabs me in the heart. I take a few steps back, but Jacques’ hand catches mine without a word. He gets his keys back and drag me in the room he now lives in alone. Before my brain can grasp the situation, the door is closed behind me and I’m standing inside with the guy of my dreams.