Five years ago, I lost a battle.

It was poor planning on my part, and because of that, I experienced my first defeat. It was bitter to taste, but it shaped my learning and strategy, and I have become stronger today because of it. Still- in the years since, I look back and sigh with shame.

But today, I shall take back what was lost.

Pierce the Dog will rue the day he took my plushy toy.

“Do you have to monologue?” Erin asks.

“Monologues have nothing to do with anything,” I meow dismissively. “It’s merely an explanation. These are necessary when planning as big a heist as this.”

“This is such a bad plan. I can’t believe you talked me into this.”

“It is a glorious plan. Pierce will never know what hit him.”

“What if he does? Pierce is a German Shepherd, Mayberry. If this goes wrong, one of us could get hurt. Worse case scenario- we could both get hurt.”

“I need this, Erin. Just a little bit of work in the field before upgrading to international espionage.”

We know each other well enough to guess the next course of action. I will insist on going, she will insist on not going, but I will go and she will follow anyway. That’s just how we roll. I should probably not take advantage of her worry for me anymore- but I have promised to not drag Erin into my plans of world domination. I owe it to her as my best friend to keep her out of my mischief, because they will only get more and more dangerous.

Aw, who am I kidding? She’s gonna come along no matter what she thinks of my plans.

That’s just how we roll, I guess.

“We’re leaving at dawn,” I say. “Pierce will still be sleeping in his doghouse. We will be in and out before he knows what hit him.”

“Don’t automatically assume I’m coming with you!” Erin meows.

“Are you?”

“Of course..! Don’t automatically assume I won’t, either!”

***

The day is here. I feel nervous- but excited. It’s still dark outside, but from my sleeping place on my former human’s back porch, I can see how the sky is lightening. No light yet- but not as much dark.

Jumping down from the blanket flipped over the back porch railing, I stalk over to the fence between Erin’s house and mine. She is waiting for me, her cute tabby face shadowed with determination. “Let’s get this over with,” She meows. “The faster we go, the faster it’s over.”

“Okay. Commence operation.”

Pierce’s house is far away, almost three blocks down. His house looks a bit more ominous than the near-identical houses around him- probably because of the chain link fence, scuffed up lawn and Beware Of Dog sign. Just the smell of Dog hanging in the air- ug, it makes me sick.

“It was here we first clashed,” I meow conspiratorially to Erin, crouching on the concrete driveway. “I was a naive kitten, and he was a monster. I came walking down the sidewalk with my plushy toy, minding my own business, but he jumped out at me from this driveway and startled me. I… dropped my toy and ran. Last time I saw that plushy toy, it was sitting on a shelf on his back porch, just above his food and water bowls. Today, we jump in and grab it.”

“What if we fail?” Erin asks.

“If we fail...” I force myself to think of a grim- but possible- outcome to this situation. “This is kitten’s play. If we fail at this plushy toy rescue attempt… there is no way I will be strong or smart enough to achieve world domination. I’ll give up my schemes.”

“I hope we fail safely,” Erin meows, annoyed. I don’t blame her for not completely agreeing with my plans- I’ve gotten her in trouble more times then either of us can count.

The sky is a tiny bit lighter, now. We jump up to the fence and drop down, racing across the wet, dewy lawn and skidding to a stop next to the front door of Pierce’s house.

“Pierce has a doghouse in the backyard,” I say. “He also has a chain on his collar at night, so even if he wakes up and chases us, we can still get away. Okay, let’s move out..!”

The wooden fence in between Pierce’s yard and the neighbour’s yard runs right up against his house. Erin and I climb to the top and inch forward, brick house to our right and a fall to our left. When Erin and I reach the end of the house, we quietly drop into Pierce’s fenced in backyard.

It’s big. There is a hedge running along the inside of the fence, dog toys and bits of chewed up junk strewn across the patchy lawn. Right in the middle is a doghouse, much bigger than I remember. I can’t see Pierce- but I can smell him inside, his deep German Shepherd stink overpowering me.

“He’s still asleep. let’s get this job done.” I hiss. There is a nicely pruned bush growing up to the back of the house, so me and Erin jump up and creep across it, coming up to the edge of the back porch. Jumping up to the porch railing without a sound to tip him off, we make it.

“Holey Toledo, we’re here..!” I meow breathlessly. “Okay, where is it..?”

My plushy toy- a stuffed shark- sits up on a shelf, easy- as- you-please. staring up at it suddenly brings an old memory to mind- the day granny bought it for me. She had just picked me up from the Dawson animal shelter and, on advice from the staff, had brought me to a pet shop to buy food, toys, and everything a kitten needs. The shop was full of tasty smelling treats, bright colored squeaky toys and cans of cat food, but the only thing I was interested in was the tiny plush shark. It had been tossed behind a crate and forgotten, so I guess I empathized with that shark more than anything. I, too, had been unwanted for so long.

It was lonely. And I am now just inches from rescuing it… again.

There is a big barrel of dog food right below the shelf. Erin waits on the ground as I climb up and ve~ry slow~ly reach out a paw for my toy.

I’m almost there.

Almost… there…

My claws snag the tiny shark’s tail fins. “I got him~!” I hiss, dragging my plushy toy down from the shelf. “Yesss! I knew we could do this, Erin! Whoo!”

“You knew you could do...What?”

I freeze.

That voice..!

Awww dang. Just when things were going so well.

“Hey, Pierce..!” I meow, turning around to face him. “Did’ ya get a good night of sleep?”

Pierce towers over me and Erin, trapping us next to the house and blocking off our escape route to the backyard fence. He is twice as big and scary as I remember- and he looks very, very angry.

“What. Are. You. Doing. In. My. Yard?” Pierce growls, baring his teeth. Erin and I practically fall all over each other.

“On vacation~”

“Stealing back my toy~”

“GET OUT OF MY YARD!!!” Pierce howls, breaking the quiet morning air. “GET OUT OF MY YARD!! OUT!!! NOW!!”

All heck breaks loose. Pierce rushes forward, teeth snapping. Erin flings herself to the side, out of the way… but I’m trapped. Grabbing the plushy toy in my teeth, I jump straight up to the shelf a split second before Pierce’s jaws snap me in two.

“TRESPASSER!! THIEF!!”

I can see Erin’s worried face on the other side of the backyard. “GET OUT OF HERE, ERIN!” I yowl, teetering on the edge of the wobbly shelf. With my last bit of strength, I toss my shark toy over Pierce’s head. Erin catches it neatly and takes off.

Good. Now I gotta save myself.

“There is no way out!” Pierce snaps. “You will regret stealing from me!”

Come on, come on! I start to panic as Pierce jumps higher, almost snapping my tail off. Erin was right; I could get really hurt.

“Pierce! What are you doing, boy?!” The back door slams open. Pierce’s human is out now, his black hair mussed up and clothes rumpled from a night of sleep. “Leave that cat alone! Get down, Pierce!”

An escape path pops into my mind. A brilliant, slightly ungraceful path to freedom, but the only option right now.

“He’s going to hurt me! Help me, please!!” I yowl, even though humans don’t seem to understand catspeak. “PLEASE HELP ME!”

“Stop barking, Pierce!!” the human snaps, stepping closer and right into my intended range.

This is it. My last escape route. I bunch my legs up, preparing to jump…

And I fly. The wobbly shelf breaks as I push off, falling down and hitting Pierce over the nose. The human must have been surprised as I hit him, landing neatly on top of his head and using it as a springboard to launch myself over Pierce and his snapping teeth. The second my feet touch grass, I’m off again. The dog chases me across the backyard, but I make it up onto the fence in time, gathering immense pleasure in watching Pierce snap back when he reaches the end of his chain.

“I WILL GET YOU, CAT!!!” he yells.

I laugh, turning my back to him and flicking my tail in derision. “See you then, Pierce!” I yowl triumphantly, trotting down the fence.

Erin is waiting from me at the end of the driveway, plushy shark laying by her paws. “Mission successful, Erin!” I crow. “We have stolen back my toy! That dog never knew what hit him!”

“Still, that was insanely dangerous!” Erin meows. “You could have been really hurt!”

“Thanks for your concern, Erin,” I say. “I will definitely work on my planning and strategy. But you know, this was mostly a test, just to see what we are capable of. And you know what?”

“What..?” Erin asked suspiciously.

“After what we just did, conquering this world will be a can of sardines!”