It took me a while to compose myself, that had been the longest I had ever allowed myself to cry. Although it made me feel more relaxed, it had drained me of any energy I had left. Except, I couldn’t allow myself to sleep just yet. I needed to stay up and plan this “vacation.” I needed this, I had to convince myself to plan the getaway, even though it would mean putting myself at risk. I didn’t care anymore, I didn’t have anything else to motivate me. Maybe this would motivate me to do better, or it would spark anything else. I took a breath and grabbed a pencil, flipping to another page and wrote vacation at the top. 

I let out a breath as my eyes glanced over to the magazine, and the booklet next to it. I placed my pencil down and reached over to pick them both up. I sat them in front of me, the journal underneath becoming covered up from the two smaller books. She finally began to read what the cover had been a picture of, ¨Kauna’oa Beach,¨ I also said it to myself and nodded with a smile painted on my lips. It seemed so relaxing, like something I could enjoy even through this mess I had been in. I pushed the magazine to the side and then began to open up the flight book. Once I found a page that had solely been centered on flights to Hawaii, I had relaxed.

 I knew that I couldn’t get away with leaving, I just couldn’t do this by myself. I needed a friend to come with me. ¨Vivianne.¨ I said under my breath and instantly jumped out of bed, the books getting moved to the side from how I had moved. I instantly got up and moved to my kitchen, my hand picking up the house phone. I began to dial her number, hoping that she would answer within the first few minutes, which knowing her she probably would. I was confirmed when she answered the phone on the second ring.

¨Vivi,¨ I said as she soon as she had answered the phone, my voice coming out scratchy. Most likely from the lack of use, or maybe even my sobbing from a few minutes ago.

¨What? What’s wrong?¨ Her voice had seemed to be full of concern, it had been a late hour for her. Especially with how she had worked seemingly every day, ever since her mother had been sick. Her mother had always been important to me, even more important than my own real family. I cared about them both much more than I would ever say a loud, not that I would be able to express such feelings in words anyways.

I took in a breath, I didn’t need to tell her what happened, but she deserved to know. I didn’t want her to be involved with this more than she already had been simply because she had been closer to me than anyone else. ¨I need help.¨ That was all I was able to say. I could already here her rustling on the other side of the phone, she was most likely already moving out of her bed to come over.

¨I’ll be there in a few.¨ After that the line went dead. I took in a breath and then hung the phone up, not wanting to hear the static ring in my ears. I knew that she would be here soon, it didn’t take long for her to get to myself. In many ways, I was thankful for our close proximity. But at this time, I hated the short distance. I wanted to prepare for the news I would have to tell her, but then I remembered; no matter how much time I had, it would never be able to prepare me for this life changing moment. 

One that was going to change our friendship forever, one that would put me in jail if she told anyone. Maybe I could keep it a secret from her, maybe I would be able to get through all of this without telling her. I couldn’t do that, she deserves to knows, she needed to know. I just don’t want to keep going around and ruining lives, especially people that have helped me when I had no one. I had made up my moment then, I couldn’t tell her. I wasn’t ready to burden her with the news, I don’t want her to stress. It’s what the best option is.

The knock on the door had been loud and urgent, that was faster than I expected. I quickly made my way to the door, unlocking it. I opened it to reveal Vivianne standing there with her arms crossed over her chest and a small frown on her face. ¨You made it seem like your house was burning down!¨

In that moment I felt selfish, I felt like I was using her to my own advantage. Which I had been in multiple ways, I looked at her and smiled slightly, Moving to the side so she could walk inside and sit wherever. ¨Not this time.¨ I said while closing the door after she walked in, ¨I actually need to ask you something.¨ I smiled and then walked to stand in front of her. I held my hand out as a way to say stay here. I then walked and rounded a corner to go into my room, picking up the two magazines from off the floor. Once I walked back out, I held the books behind my back to make sure she couldn’t see them.

¨What is it?¨ She had asked while beginning to stand up, trying to moved around me to look at the books behind my back.

¨Ready?¨

¨Yes! Just show me already!¨ After she said that I then pulled the books out and looked at her for a reaction. Earning a few of the. At first it seemed like she was excited, then worried.

¨What? You don’t want to go?¨ I asked while feeling my shoulders slump down. Although this would be something relaxing for her, it would be my last hoorah. It could possibly be the last thing I do with her, or anyone for that matter. I wanted it to be with her, not anyone else.

¨Of course I do, but my mom. What about her?¨

¨I can get someone to watch her while we’re gone. It’ll be a week thing,¨ With that now planted in her mind she relaxed once again and let the smile return. I forgot to mention one thing; that this was me running away from everything before it could get to me, and I don’t think I wanted to tell her just yet. Not now, maybe on the trip.

¨Is that what you needed my help for?¨ She had a smile on her face as she took the magazine away from me, looking through the pages. She then stopped on one page, seeming to admire it for a while. I stepped forwards to look at the glossy page, my eyes going wide at the photograph. There had been a crystal blue ocean, with white sand around the water. I could see the many people that had been photographed walking around the beach, many of them without shoes on. The page then suddenly flipped closed as she looked up, ¨If so, let’s get planning.¨

I couldn’t help but laugh quietly at her enthusiasm, she seemed so vibrant. If only I could still be like that, if only I didn’t have to go and turn my life upside down. It will all be okay in the end. I nod and take the book from her, beginning to walk to my room. ¨I’m ready when you are.¨ I walked into my room and let my eyes scan the place, trying to spot where my journal had been. I didn’t want her to see it, she would know something was wrong. Then I would have done exactly what I didn’t want to do; which was tell her that I am a murderer. I moved to the side and then began to look around, seeing her walk in out the corner of my eye.

I saw her move to sit on the edge of my bed, her eyes wandering around the place too, as if she had been looking for something as well. I stood up and then looked at her, ¨Sorry it isn’t clean. I have been busy lately.¨ I said while reaching up to rub the back of my neck, feeling very tense in this moment. At this point, anything could slip. Our friendship would be put to the test.

She simply rolled her eyes, her laugh filling every space in the room, ¨Stop apologizing, I promise it’s fine.¨ She said while picking up the journal I had been looking for. I knew that I had told her about what it was for, how it was supposed to help deal with my emotions. I saw her look worried for a moment, that things would go back to how they had been when my mom died. When I first got the journal. She looked up from it and to me, ¨What happened?¨

I shook my head and let my arms fall back to my side, I didn’t want to tell the truth. I don’t want her to be in this, ¨My dad, He’s gone.¨ I swallowed the lump that began to form in my throat, taking in a shaky breath. I felt the tears rush back to my eyes. Only this time, I couldn’t tell why they were there. I didn’t feel like anything, I didn’t even feel joy that I had completed my goal anymore. I just felt numb, and maybe that was the worst feeling I could have. It was scary not being able to feel anything, I should be happy. I should be sad. I should be everything except empty, but that is what I am.

I saw her move from the bed and wrap her arms around me, I couldn’t bring myself to hug her back. ¨It’s okay.¨ That’s all she could say, that’s all anyone would say. They wouldn’t tell me that he deserved what happened to him, that he brought this upon himself. I wrapped my arms back around her and then nodded. I didn’t miss him one bit, he meant nothing to me once my mother had been killed at his hands.

¨I’m fine.¨ I then let my group on her loosen, trying to pull myself back into the right state of mind. The one I was supposed to be in the whole time, the one that wouldn’t have allowed me to cry in front of her.

I felt her move away and then she nodded, looking up at me. I knew she didn’t believe me and that she wanted to look in the book, she kept it at her side for a while. She was curious, but I would never let her read it. Unless I was dead. She reached her arms up to hold the book out to me, ¨Take this.¨ She said with a small smile on her face.

I reached out and took the book from her, walking over to the dresser that had been across from my closet. I needed to keep it out, I couldn’t let her know my secret hiding spot for the journal. I let my hand travel over the dresser, pulling out one of the drawers so that I could find an empty clean notebook. I moved notes and pens out the way, getting to a purple notebook. The spirals had been twisted almost out of place. I picked it up and then turned towards her. “Let’s get this started then.” I walked towards my bed and then sat across from where the other female had been sitting.

“Sounds good to me,” I watched as Vivianne took the notebook from me and opened it to a fresh page. She then reached over and took a black pen from the jar, I never used my black pen in my emotion journal. I smiled and then moved my legs under the cover and then sighed. I couldn’t wait to get away, to feel free.