~ALEX~

I wake up in his arms, which is nothing new, but it feels different today. I squirm out of his grasp as gently as I possibly can and walk out of the room. “Ugh, I need to shower,” I mumble to myself, making my way to the bathroom sluggishly. I quickly undress and jump into the shower. I can’t waste any time, I need to make breakfast before Nate wakes up. I hurry through my morning routine, get out of the shower, dry off, and get dressed. My injuries from yesterday have stopped bleeding, but haven’t healed as much as I expected. At least I won’t have to spill sauce on my leg again today, yesterday was a momentary lapse in judgement and it won’t happen again.

‘You know you say that, but do you mean it?’

“I do mean it,” I grit my teeth, I have to mean it. I can’t go back down that rabbit hole. I open the bathroom cabinet and pull out a small bottle. Lexapro. I shake out a singular tablet and swallow it dry, Nate hates it when I do that, he says it makes him cringe. It doesn’t bother me though. I turn away from the mirror silently. I should tell Nate. I really should. I know he would help me, I know that he would want to know, but I can’t tell him. Besides, it was only once.

~

“Alex,” Nate stumbles into the kitchen, bleary-eyed and uncoordinated, “I’ve got a plan for today, wanna hear it?”

“Yeah, hold on though,” I set two plates down on the table. “I made waffles, come eat then we can go.” Nate slumped down into his seat and started to eat, he’s been up for almost an hour but he still can’t keep his eyes open. Neither of us are morning people.

“Hey Alex?” He finally opens his eyes, raising his head to meet mine. “Can I ask you something?”

“You just did,” I sip on my coffee.

“Haha very funny,” Nate grumbles, “I’ll take that as a yes. When did you figure out you were gay?”

I lean back in my chair, a little startled, Nate, being the straight guy he is, has never asked me about my sexuality before. I’m not sure how to answer him, seeing as he was my sexual awakening. “Um, I guess when I was about 13.” I will not tell him he was my first, and only, crush.

“Oh, okay,” he seems confused and upset, I have no idea why though. “Well, I was thinking we could go to the movies and the arcade, then eat out for dinner, does that sound alright to you?”

“Yeah sounds good to me.” I respond, confused about his confusion. Nonetheless, today will be a good distraction. I push my insecurities out of my head and start to clear the table. Nate grabs our coats and his keys and we head out.

We have the perfect dynamic, Nate drives and I DJ. We have a similar enough taste in music that no one complains, in fact we both sing along, badly. We compliment each other so perfectly that it’s a shame we’re not a couple. Even if Nate was attracted to men, he wouldn't be attracted to me, no one would ever be. And with that, my good mood starts to fade.

~

“That was the stupidest fucking movie I have ever seen, and I watched Twig-light and the Percy Jacksdaughter movies.” I groan as we leave the theater.

“I don’t know man, anything is better than the Percy Jacksdaughter movies, but this was a close second.” Nate agrees. “Next time let’s just rent a movie and watch it at home, something tried and true.”

“Yeah, as long as it’s not the Writebook again,” I punch Nate in the arm jokingly, “No one would guess you’re such a huge romance movie fan, but I know your secret.”

“Well it’s better than you watching horror movies and then getting so scared that you stick to my side for weeks,” Nate ruffles my hair, “Why do you do that anyway?”

“I don’t even know, I just do.”

“Well that’s just stupid.”

“You’re just stupid!” I glare at Nate as he laughs, not my best comeback. And that’s when it hits me, I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t be out having fun, not now and not ever. ‘One time thing, sure, I control you.’ It’s not supposed to be here, I took my medication, I’ve done everything the therapist said to, why isn’t it working? Maybe I don’t deserve to be better, maybe it’s meant to be this way. I can’t get better. I shouldn’t get better. Fuck, I know it’s my depression talking, but sometimes it’s hard to tell.

Nate can likely tell that I’ve started to drift. He gently grabs my shoulder, “Should we go back home and talk instead, Alex?” I nod and we turn back to the car. I do feel guilty for ruining his day off, but I know Nate doesn’t mind. He respects me and my boundaries, and I respect his. Despite this, I can’t help but blame myself for all the unhappiness in the world, especially Nate’s.

~

Being back at home was strange, I usually only left for school, so coming back seemed strangely surreal. I went straight to my room, ignoring the worried look Nate was giving me. Normally I would feel bad about ignoring him, but today I was too caught up in my gray haze of nothingness. I closed my door, locked it, and slid down the wall to crouch on the floor. I could hear Nate do the same on the other side of my door.

“Alex, I need to talk to you,” Nate stuttered nervously. His breathing became erratic and stressed as he grew more uncertain. He doesn’t handle confrontation well. He hates you, he’s going to kick you out. “I just wanted to tell you that I… um I really…”

Tears fill my eyes and I manage to choke out a response to Nate’s attempt. “I understand, if you want to kick me out, I’ll leave tomorrow. I’m sorry I’m such a burden.” I stand up and flop into my bed, saddened to lose my only true friend in this world.

“Alex!” Nate bangs on the door, “That’s not what I wanted to say!” I turn away from the door, he just feels bad for me. Eventually he leaves, understanding that I am truly a lost cause.

The night goes on just like always, except I don’t leave my room, and I don’t eat dinner, and I break my promise.

I can’t stop engraving these thin red lines into my skin, anywhere and at anytime. I say I’ll stop at 10, but 10 turns to 20, and soon I’m no longer keeping track.