“Daley! Got a couple over there in the corner in need of assistance!” The voice of Ernie, my boss, barked out from the sales floor.

I poked my head out of the back room where I had been pouring myself some coffee and saw Ernie pointing off towards the far corner of the floor where the couple he had mentioned was patiently waiting for me. They were an attractive pair. The man was dark-haired and broad-shouldered with a well-groomed beard. The woman was blonde-haired and fair-skinned and had sort of a Nordic look to her, tall and statuesque. I thought her husband was quite a lucky man, as she was very beautiful. She was also very pregnant, perhaps more pregnant than any woman I had ever seen in my entire life. Her belly ballooned out in front of her like a zeppelin. If there was just one baby in there I’d eat my nonexistent hat.

I signaled to them to give me just one moment and ducked back into the back room to grab my coffee mug. I let out a sigh as I picked it up. Dealing with a pregnant woman was a delicate business, and I couldn’t say I was looking forward to it. I was good at my job because I was good with people, but that didn’t mean I always liked people and today felt like a day where I wasn’t going to enjoy my work very much. Still, that was the job and I didn’t have much choice but to do it. I took a sip, put on my best “cheery salesman” face, walked back out onto the floor, and strode up to the couple.

“Hello there, sorry for the wait! I needed to grab my coffee or else I’d only be able to communicate in grunts and vague gestures.” I thought opening with a dad joke might help me win over the husband at the very least. Thankfully, it appeared to be working, so I plowed straight into my “helpful” routine. “What can I do for you fine folks today? We’ve got some great deals on these SLEE-P BOY mattresses over here. 30% off, and they’re very much worth the investment even at full price. Or maybe you’d like…”

“I already know what I want.” the pregnant woman cut me off abruptly.

Well then why didn’t you say so to begin with? I wanted to ask, but instead what I said was, “Alright, which one were you looking at?”

The woman lifted her finger and pointed behind me. I turned around and realized that she was pointing at the Spinopedic Cloud Luxury Mattress. It was the highest-end product we had in the store.

“Are you…” I was about to say are you serious?, but I caught myself. “...looking to get that in any particular size?” I somewhat awkwardly recovered.

“King size,” she replied, “and I was wondering if there are any sales on this right now?”

“Not at this moment.” I told her. The truth was that the Spinopedic hardly ever went on sale. It was just assumed that only the well-to-do would bother buying it anyway, so sales were more or less pointless. “Just so you’re aware,” I cautioned, “In king size this mattress is going to be almost five thousand dollars.”

“I read the price tag.” the woman said briskly. “It’s fine, we’ll take it.”

“Now hold on a minute, honey,” the husband cut in, “I’m already not a huge fan of taking charity from your cousin. Are you sure we should really be asking her to pay for something that expensive?”

“We’ve been over this Howard!” the woman snapped. She rubbed her forehead to calm herself down a bit, then turned to me “Sorry, I’m just on such a short fuse these days. We’ve got three on the way and my back is killing me. My cousin is in town and she said she’d buy us any new mattress we wanted in order to help us out.”

“I know she said that but… five grand? That’s a big ask.” The husband knew he was walking on eggshells, but he persisted nonetheless.

“She’s a multi-millionaire. This is pocket change to her. I’m sure she’ll be happy to… Ah, there she is now, we can ask her what she thinks.”

There was a ding from the bell on the front door of the store as it opened up and a lady walked into the building. She stood in the doorway for a second, taking off her chic sunglasses and glancing around the sales floor. Even if the pregnant woman hadn’t said this was her cousin, I might have been able to guess. She had the same Nordic look to her, but whereas the pregnant woman was extremely beautiful and a catch that any man would count himself lucky to have, this woman was several steps above even her. She was gorgeous to such an extreme that she almost seemed inhuman. Her smooth, flawless skin was incredibly fair, her eyes were an electric blue and her Hair was so blonde it was almost white. I wasn’t sure if she had some sort of albinism or if it was just those Northern European genetics, but light seemed to shimmer off of her. Her hair, which was cut down to about her mid-back, floated more so than fell around her head. Add to this her perfect features, with a small pointed nose and full rosy lips, as well as her long pronounced eyelashes and this woman looked like a cosmetic model post-Photoshop. 

She spotted her cousin, and a warm smile lit up her face. Incredible. A man could and would conquer nations for a smile like that. I wished fervently that I had been someone else at that moment, a banker perhaps or a doctor or someone other than a small-town salesman in an ugly polo shirt with a mattress store logo on the front. Unfortunately, this angel was so far above me that I must have looked like an ant from her vantage, unworthy of notice. It was best not to torture myself.

“Hey Emma!” the lady called over to the pregnant woman, “have you settled on something yet?”

“I was looking at this one, what do you think?” The pregnant woman, who I supposed must be Emma, gestured to the mattress.

The lady looked over to the price tag of the mattress, read it, and then without a moment's hesitation or change in expression she enthusiastically said “Absolutely! I’ll bring the truck around!”

“Hey, are you Alva Lorensen?” I heard Ernie’s voice call from across the store. I looked and saw him all but running towards us. He was not a fit man, and I didn’t think I had ever seen him move this fast in the seven years I’d been working for him. He jogged up to the lady, huffing and puffing with sweat glistening on his balding head.

“Yes, I’m Alva.” the woman said, not taken aback at all by my boss’s behavior. “Are you a fan?”

“Am I a fan? I’ve watched the footage of every major tournament you’ve been in!” Ernie panted excitedly, still trying to catch his breath.

“Wait, is this woman somebody famous?” I asked, somewhat rudely. I was immediately conscious of it, but the words had already popped out of my mouth.

“She’s quite famous! You must not watch any tournament poker.” Ernie said.

“I wasn’t even aware that watching tournament poker is a thing people do.” I admitted.

“This is Alva Lorensen, one of the highest earning female players of all time!” Ernie told me excitedly before turning back to Alva, “Ms. Lorensen, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble could I please get your autograph? Oh geez, I don’t even know if I have anything to sign…” he rummaged around in his pockets.

“No worries, I always come prepared for this sort of thing” Alva said sweetly. Even her voice was uncanny in its perfection. I had once listened to a musical performance played on a device called the glass harmonica, an instrument invented by Benjamin Franklin himself which had a sound so pure it was said to drive men to madness. If ever there was a human alive whose voice could perform a similar feat, that person would be Alva Lorensen. Alva reached into a purse she was carrying and pulled out a pen and an ace of spades. She clicked the pen open, signed the playing card with a flourish, and handed it to Ernie who accepted it with immense gratitude.

“Thank you so much, I’m going to get this framed!” Ernie gushed happily.

“I’m so happy to hear it!” Alva said in a manner so genuine I couldn’t begin to doubt she was telling the truth. She then turned to me and gave my nametag a read. “Bryson?” (God, I loved to hear my name in that voice) “could you go grab the mattress for me please? I’m sure Howard will be willing to help carry it. I’ll get the truck ready.”

And that was how I came to meet Alva Lorensen, the most beautiful creature ever to walk the planet earth. I didn’t know it at the time, but she was going to be the catalyst for both the most incredible adventures and the most boneheaded mistakes of my entire life. If I had known, maybe I’d be excited. On the other hand, maybe I would have run away as fast as my legs could carry me.