~NATE~

I really do love him. It’s clear to see from the way I feel when I’m away from him. I need him in my life, I can’t imagine ever being without him. He’s my light, even though he’s so dark inside. I just want to be that light for him too. That night was my biggest regret. I should have just said what I needed too, instead of keeping my silence. I meant to confess to him, to tell him I love him, instead I fucked everything up. He thinks I hate him, I have to fix this.

I couldn't get it out, I let my nerves get the best of me. I think I fell in love with him a long time ago.

12 YEARS AGO

“Fucking useless!” The bottle shattered against the wall behind me, shards glancing across my cheek. “All you are is a failure, I wish you had never been born! Get out of my sight!” I didn’t need to be told twice, I was already running up the stairs with tiny droplets of blood trailing down my face, mixing with my tears.

“Nate, come play with me?” Her innocent chirping seemed miles away as she chased me down the hall, her little legs struggling to catch up.

“Emily Rose!” My mother caught my little sister in her arms, rushing her back downstairs. “You should be in bed, you’re not well enough to walk!” Emily just giggled and jumped next to my father on the couch. The both of them stared at her lovingly, their precious angel. She continued to jump on the couch carelessly. Only seconds later, she was no longer jumping, but convulsing on the floor. “Emily!” My mother lept to her side, “Call 911, hurry!” My father somehow sprang into action, despite being drunk out of his mind. All I could do was watch from upstairs, afraid to get in the way, and shut my eyes to drown out the sight of my lovely baby sister suffering so.

~

It was noisy, chaotic. Sirens wailing along with my mother, people screaming, things breaking, and all I wanted was quiet. That time in my life remains a blur to me to this day, but I ended the night in the police station. There’s a reason I was never jealous of Emily. She was my mother’s victim just as much as I was my father’s. At the time, I only had a slight understanding of what was happening. My mother was institutionalized after that night, MSBP, Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy. She forcefully fed my baby sister gasoline, among other things, but the gas is what killed her. Emily Rose Angevin died at only 4 years old, and a part of me died with her. I failed to protect her and I can’t let that happen again. My father was never seen again, he fled town, fearing jail time. None of my relatives were able to take me in, none of the ones who were technically able to care for me wanted me. I had nothing, no one. At only 9 years old, I had nothing to live for.

I was put into foster care, and I was one of the lucky ones. I was adopted by the first family to foster me. They didn’t want a baby like most couples. The fact that I was already finishing grade school and mature enough to basically take care of myself, made me all the more attractive to them. They were good parents, I never needed for anything, but I still didn’t want to live. That’s when I met Alex.