I was deciding whether or not I should waste more time in the dining hall with either a third dessert (aka ice-cream that I deliberately ate with a teaspoon) or my second cup of juice before I noticed X walking through the doorway. I never felt so much relief in my entire life until I saw my equivalent of a prince on a white horse marched on through the dining hall. …wait…in that kind of troupe…that makes me the princess…? I…can’t see myself in a pink ball gown…and now I do…great. Fuck. No. And the prince…was…X. I don’t think he’d agree to wearing a sash or puff-sleeves…or white…or own a horse…or sing in a musical…or dance…

Too much Disney.

X walked between the tables and chairs while I was…seriously questioning my mental state. He silently beelined, grabbing my arm and dragging me away. He glared at anyone who looked like they were going to try something. The reaction of most was just freezing bug-eyed or retreating as we shuffled passed. I felt a moment of elation before the fucking pirate wolf-whistled and I couldn’t control the urge to flip off a back finger as we disappeared into the hallway. X didn’t slow, even when we got to the elevator, he didn’t even check if Lady had made it or not. She hadn’t and I could feel a distant tantrum coming on but it was behind closed doors.

The entire way down he was silent while still with the tight grip on my arm even when the doors opened up onto the familiar dark basement that I’ve grown to know and love… He continued to drag me through into the darkness towards the tunnels, ignoring his old hiding spot in the attendant room.

“You don’t wanna go to your hideout?” I voice as he walks down to the tracks. Now that I think about it, hasn’t used it since we got back from Switzerland.

“No…they will be less willing to do as Seth bids, the further away we are.”

Bring up that bastard’s name soured me back into silence once again.

I never liked walking these tunnels, they eerily reminded me of the drains back where we found Zoe. It felt like a lifetime ago…

Or those scary YouTube videos you stumble upon when you were only looking at cute cat videos at first…in my case it was Cody tricking the six-year-old me into watching one with a cave explorer going into an abandoned mine and things…moved when they shouldn’t. Freaked me out for weeks. I wonder if YouTube even still exists now…?

Reminiscing distracted me from the walk back towards the medical ward that seems to be my permanent home lately. I hated it. It felt like a prison. White walls and the smell of disinfectant permanently burning through my nostrils until it made me dizzy…But if it meant that I didn’t need to worry about any stupid water balloons…

The minute we walked through the threshold that cut us off from the tunnels and the rest of the world…the animosity and the putrid heat of Bolin and the distaste I seem to leave in my wake, X wrapped himself around me once again.

“Can we at least make it to the bed?” I gasp. I was tired. I’d rather him squeeze me to death on something more comfortable then the floor. Albeit marginally. He didn’t budge but when I went to move, he leaned his weight onto me, forcing me backwards into the wall.

We stayed in the peaceful silence for a while. I hated to admit it, but I could just stay here for an eternity. The amount of attention I feel that I rob from X as Seth had put it…I felt stupid to even think that it gave me a sense of worth.

“Is your headache still present?” He finally states, and I forgot how attractive his voice was especially when it was literally next to my ear.

“It hasn’t changed.” That much was true. The headache I’ve had for a while now hasn’t budged. It was irritating and always in the background like white noise on a radio that never stopped. It didn’t go away but it wasn’t getting worse…I think…

I lean into him, closing my eyes, enjoying the moment. The moment that I never really thought I depended on so much now. His warmth and arms were almost becoming my everything and though I wanted more, I didn’t really know how to approach the subject with him. It was a mystery and stumbling through it with X was a whole new level of confusion. I worry and he…well at some points it seems like he’s so innocent and pure but at other times it’s like he knows everything and has so much experience.

Like kissing for example. I lose my mind every time he does it but I wondered where and when he learned. I felt him press his lips to the temple of my skull, brining me back from my thoughts. I was too scared to ask but also miffed because I didn’t.

“How…are you feeling?” He asks quietly, making the hair on the back of my neck to stand on end.

I didn’t know if he meant now or about today or… “I feel miserable. I hate what Seth is doing. It makes me feel useless and angry because I can’t do anything. I mean I get it…but I don’t want to.”

“Seth is relying on his experience on how his…and my abilities were…ignited…though less…permanent in damage…but I…said that I don’t agree…even though you did wish to change…I don’t really see why you need to. I only went along with it because you said you wanted it…and Seth is better…more imaginative than I ever will be…But I…” He trailed off again, going to another mental plain for a moment but still held onto me. “…stepped in. I’m sorry that I’m interfering.”

“Why are you sorry?” I frown, not expecting the way this discussion was turning.

“Because I said that I…would support you with everything…and I suggested Seth but now I am…taking it back.”

I push him back at arm’s length but didn’t move my hands from his chest as I stare up at his face, his eyes looked almost…lost, “Support doesn’t mean that I want you to go along with everything I do. I don’t know what’s right or wrong either and I’m just as unimaginative. We tried a method but I don’t want to do it again.” When was the last time I said my true feelings?

“I know. But will you go along with what Seth continues to suggest?”

I…didn’t really have an answer. “I don’t know,” It was my turn to break eye contact, looking down at the ground between us.

“You…only want to see others as good intentions…going along with it as if it can be the only path to take…You don’t have to…Choices are always there. Plans are never truly…solidified. Seth…will understand…underneath…he understands…it can change…contort…into something else.” He leans up into my face, holding onto one of my hands while supporting my shoulder. “We are forever looking at a crossroad, pretending that there can only be one choice and letting others to choose…it’s easier to blame something else for decisions…but if it doesn’t help you…”

I take in a deep breath before sighing, “I know. But what else can I do?” What other option do I really have right now? I am going insane because I still don’t know where my family is and how the fuck am I supposed to go looking for them. I don’t have any really clue…and the only one who probably has the ability to look for one is that shitty smug pirate upstairs. I needed to focus on something. Even if it meant focusing on hating Seth with every fibre of my being. At least it was something that filled in that nothingness that was opening up inside of me.

He was silent for a time before wrapping me up in his arms once again and I didn’t fight it. “…I do not have a satisfying answer to that…but…for now you can focus what’s in front of you. Like resting…and waiting for tomorrow.”

So that’s what we did, he leads me to the medical bed, the light automatically turn on with our presence in this sparse room. He pushes me to sit down on the bed, the starchy white sheets audibly crinkled as my weight. We lie down, somehow managing to fit both of us while facing each other, just as we have been for the last few weeks. I stare into his mismatch eyes, even when the lights turned back off. I was still unsettled at how much attention I obtained from him, even now. I’m probably also frustrated that neither of us crossed the line to go beyond kissing and I wanted to. Aren’t we supposed to be filled with lust and going at it like rabbits at our age…wait…

“How old are you, X?”

“I believe I’ve existed chronologically for about twenty-five years…however my “birth” date, as abstract as it is…is roughly twenty-three years…maybe less, maybe more. I was never given information as to the exact date, but Hanna believes that it might be late in October…but I believe that it just gives her double the excuse to celebrate Halloween.”

“You don’t like celebrating your birthday?”

He looked away, towards the ceiling, it felt empty and I almost regretted asking but then he said without a hint of care, “I never really understood the concept….my birth is not something one would celebrate because of my intended purpose.”

I wanted to smack him. “I’m thankful, you fucking ass. I got to meet you because you exist and…I get to be with you,” I can’t believe I didn’t stutter, even with it being blush-inducing on my part.

“Ah…I never really thought of it that way,” He then turned his face back to me. “I am happy to exist if that is my purpose….and if I could consider it of yours as well. I’ve never felt so…at peace with things until I knew you existed…It something that’s kept me going.”

I frown, confused, “You want to die?”

“I never really understood the concept of longing for…anything,” he pushes my hair out of my face. “I just existed, so no…not so much as ‘death’ but rather just…ceasing existence all together.”

No even death. He didn’t want to exist in the first place.

“But…that was until I saw you, Kae. It was a strange pull, but it felt like you embody everything that I wanted…even though I never knew or continue to fail to understand. But I would never, ever regret knowing you and realising that there was a void… I guess it’s like how everyone wants to find the other half…You’re my other half…what? Why are you crying?”

“I’m not.” But I was about to, so I hid under the pillow, ignoring him. Fucking one-liners, I tell you!