Dear Rosey,
Blythe has been leaving me alone now. I think I am finally done with her.
“Zara who?” she always says when someone brings me up.
Fine by me the less time I have to spend looking at Blythe the better.
You and I have really gotten close. In a way. You sit with me at Lunch now, telling me all about your day and how you think it’s annoying to be assigned so much homework.
I’m starting to learn more about you. I found out that banana flavored anything is your favorite and when you are stuck on a problem you squint your eyes and cock your head just slightly like an adorable puppy. Also, I found out you're obsessed with anything glittery. I personally am not fond of glitter, but I could learn to love it.
It almost feels like we are real sisters. You come to me and complain about your new friends, and your boyfriend who you told me broke up with you. Though part of me doubts he existed in the first place. You complain about our parents, I join you then because I like to complain about my dad too.
You sit in my room and we do our homework together. You complain when I eat the rest of the chips. You borrow my clothes without asking. Your mom told me that we adjusted to each other fast. That we both just needed a sibling.
I have no complaints, really…
Okay, maybe I have a small issue. The issue is you feel comfortable enough to borrow my things and come into my room, yet I can’t go into your room. It’s like I have this mental barrier that if I go into your room and borrow your things I will be admitting defeat. I know I should admit defeat, it is literally impossible for us to be anything but sisters, but when I think of you my heart races.
I wish I could tell you.
“So, how was school?” You asked as you came into my room.
“Ugh same as always, you know I swear Ms. Appleton has it out for me,” I complained.
You didn’t say anything. When I looked from my homework to your face you were fidgeting with your hair, curling a lock between your fingers over and over. It was really cute.
“What’s up?” I sat up.
“I heard some stuff about you at school.” You said.
I thought of every horrible thing I’ve ever done or had done to me. It’s a lot. I wanted to keep my past far away from you. I wanted to be better for you. Yet the past has a way of catching up.
“What’d you hear?”
“What do you think I heard?”
“Just tell me.”
“Were you and Blythe like a thing?”
I swear I wanted to laugh right then and there but I didn’t want to freak you out. Blythe and I, that was the most impossible thing that could ever happen.
“No. I’d never, who told you that?”
“Blythe.”
It was like time stopped. Was Blythe telling people we were a thing? Why? We never, okay we did kiss but that was only because she made me. Why was Blythe talking to you in the first place, that was the real question. I made it clear I didn’t want her anywhere near you.
“Did you tell her about us?” You asked.
“Us?” I played stupid, but I knew exactly what you were referring to.
“You know about the cave.” You whispered.
“No. I’d never. Blythe is a bitch don’t listen to anything she says if you only knew the half of it. We were never a thing, not in a million years. I swear.”
“Because she was talking to me like she knew, she was saying some weird stuff about you. About how you fantasize of me when you are um, you know, masturbating. She said that you like it rough. She told me that---”
“Okay, I think you made your point. I don’t fantasize of you Rosey. Blythe is doing what she always does which is trying to ruin my life. We are kind of arch enemies. I know it’s corny but it’s true. She’s the reason I was suspended for two months. She is a liar and a life ruiner stay away from her.”
My heart was pounding in my ears. I wanted you to believe me over Blythe. But I knew you still couldn’t trust me because sometimes I acted strangely, and maybe I did fantasize about you once or twice, but I didn’t want to ruin us.
I should have told you then. That was the perfect chance to come clean about everything. About my past, about Blythe, but I didn’t.
“Okay. I will, I just wanted to make sure. She was acting weird.”
“I would never do that to you Rosey.”
“Why were you hanging out with Blythe all last week then if you are arch rivals.” You asked.
I thought you would overlook that, but it seems just as closely as I have been watching you, you too have been watching me. I didn’t know what to say, but I knew I had to say something, or you would take my silence as confirmation that whatever Blythe told you was true.
“She threatened me, she told me she was going to get me expelled if I didn’t do what she said. After everything I’ve done to her, I knew the principal would take her side over mine. So, I had to do whatever she wanted. It was torture.” I used the lie that Blythe did.
I should have told you.
“Oh, why didn't you tell me? I could've helped you, I hate girls like her.”
“Blythe is my problem, the last thing I want is for her to turn her wrath on you. Trust me she is a twisted psycho. You do not want to mess with her.”
“Well, how long has she been bullying you?” You sat next to me and I could see the concern in your eyes, but I could also see your determination to protect me.
The way you squared your shoulders like you already knew what had to be done. It was so cute how you thought I needed to be protected. You didn’t know I am just as bad if not worse than Blythe.
“Since I was 12, but you don’t have to worry about me. I can handle Blythe, we have a secret war going on between us. She does something to get at me, and I do something to get her back. It’s just how we are.”
“You shouldn’t let her talk about you like that.”
“Trust me I’ll get her. Don’t worry about it, let’s talk about something else that isn’t Blythe.”
Then my dad walked in.
“Blythe? Zara, please tell me something didn’t happen again.” He said opening the door.
“Were you eavesdropping.” I accused.
“No, I just heard you say, Blythe, as I was walking by. Leave that girl alone Zara next time it won’t be suspension you hear me. No more with Blythe, or else I will personally file the restraining order to keep you two away from each other.”
“Dad!”
“I’m not joking.”
I wish I could have turned invisible then. Why did you have to hear that?
“Okay, I’m not.” I hissed.
He sighed and shut the door.
I could feel the anger bubbling in me, the need to retaliate itching to get out. I have learned to recognize the signs thanks to my therapist. I had to get you out of my room or else you were going to see a side of me you didn’t want to see. I had to get away from you.
“Wow is it that bad?” you asked.
“I’m sorry I have to go,” I said and then I left you alone in my room.
I wasn’t in the right state of mind. I was embarrassed and hurt, and who was the source of that hurt? Blythe. I should have stayed and written in my diary like my therapist said but I didn’t, I wanted to retaliate.
So, I grabbed my car keys and left. I didn’t even realize I was driving to Blythe’s house until I got there. She was alone. I should have turned away, dropped it and been the better person, but old habits die hard.
I banged on her door until she answered.
“Zara?” she looked confused.
“Why did you tell all that stuff to Rose!? Why did you tell her we were together!? What is your problem with me? I haven’t even done anything to you.” I blew up at her.
She stepped aside to let me in. I stormed in and whirled around to face her, I was so mad I wanted to hit her.
“You do fantasize about her, don’t you?” she antagonized.
“You didn’t have to tell her that! Now she thinks I’m a freak again. What is wrong with you?”
“You are a freak Zara, a freak in love with their sister.”
“Stepsister! And the only reason you care is that you're obsessed with me. It drives you crazy just to think about how I might be thinking of someone else besides you. Admit it Blythe you’re the real freak!”
I knew if she stepped closer to me, I was going to lose it. I had no more control over my anger. This is the part of me I never want you to see. I hate how my anger controls me.
“I am a freak.” She said.
That was probably the only thing she could have said to make my anger go away. I was caught off guard. I expected her to retaliate against me, to call me a name or something. I was surprised to hear her admit it. I was so surprised that all of my anger just disappeared.
“But so are you.” She went on.
“What?” I said confused.
“We are both freaks, we both have issues, Zara. We both can’t stand to see the other satisfied. We both have problems with keeping our emotions in check, and we both want things we can’t have. You and I are the same.” She stepped closer to me.
“I’m nothing like you,” I said, but I knew she was right.
She traced her finger down my cheek her grey eyes staring longingly at me.
“What do you want that you can’t have?” I don’t know why I asked, for clarification I guess but I already knew the answer.
“You.”
Then she kissed me.
I pushed her away and there were tears in her eyes.
“How could you love someone like me?” I needed to know how she could feel anything for me after what I’ve put her through.
“You never give up, no matter how hard I try to break you, you don’t break. You are brilliant the way you think, it makes me crazy to think about how your mind works. Your beautiful Zara, inside and out. You drive me crazy.”
“You make me so mad all the time, thinking of you makes me sick. I can’t stand you. Just looking at you makes me angry.” I spat.
“How angry?” She challenged pushing me into the wall.
“I want to slam you into something, to break you. I want you to feel what I feel. I want to hit you and strangle you, I want to hurt you.” I sneered.
“What else do you want to do to me?” she said in a husky voice, I think I was turning her on.
“I want to degrade and humiliate you just like you do to me. I want to scream at you, to...”
“Yes, Zara go one, what else? Say it, say what you want to do to me. Say how much you want to dominate me.” She breathed on my ear.
“I want to dominate you. I want you to see I’m not a wimp, that I am in control. You can’t order me around.” I felt a tingly sensation in my stomach and I think I was getting worked up as well.
“Control me, Zara, show me your dominance.” She begged.
So, I did. I flipped our positions and slammed her against the wall, she moaned when I did it. Then I smashed my lips into hers and grabbed her wrist and pinned them to the wall. I have never felt more alive than at that moment. I felt like I was being true to myself. That I was giving in to this darkness in me, and it felt good to give up and let it take control for once.
That scared me.
“Zara.” Blythe moaned as I bit her neck, I wanted to leave my mark. I wanted everyone to know that Blythe Mathews was my bitch.
I practically ripped her shirt off and then I slammed her onto the kitchen table. She was breathing heavy. I didn’t want to think of you then, I didn’t want to think that I could do to you what I was doing to Blythe. I want to be different, I want to change. But I am a horrible person.
She took my shirt off and I was getting close, real close, closer than I was that day in the cave. I had to stop. I didn’t want to embarrass myself, but Blythe had other ideas. She could sense my hesitation, that I was getting ready to bolt. So, she wrapped her legs around me and pulled me in real close to her.
“Let me go, Blythe I’m gonna---”
She smashed her lips against my own and I lost it. My whole body betrayed me. I moaned loudly into her mouth, writhing in pleasure as I struggled around in her grasp. She pulled back when she realized what had just happened. My whole face was hot with embarrassment.
I just stood there trying to catch my breath a wet spot forming on my crotch.
“Did you just?”
I quickly grabbed my shirt off the floor and tried to escape, she stopped me by slamming me against the wall.
“Please just let me go,” I begged.
“I didn’t know you were so sensitive.” She teased snaking her hand down my shorts.
I stopped her and pushed her away. She quickly pinned me against the wall again blowing her hot breath onto my neck. I let out an audible shudder.
“Is that why you hated it so much when I forced you to watch me make out with someone? Because you're so sensitive?”
“S-Shut up.” I had whimpered.
“We can make this a regular thing, you and I. No one has to know.” She nibbled my ear.
“I don’t want to.”
“Sure you do. Just look at what you just did to me.”
“Stop it, I’m not like you.”
“Admit it.”
“No.”
“Zara.” She slowly kissed her way down my body until she was on her knees in front of me.
“You know you want it.” She teased slowly unbuttoning my shorts.
“S-Stop it.”
“Make me.”
She pulled my shorts down and snapped the band of my underwear. I was getting close again, so I slide down the wall to get her to stop.
“I’m not ready,” I admitted.
That was the most degrading thing to admit to my arch rival. That I was afraid to be intimate with someone, that I wasn’t ready to cross that line. Especially when I knew she had already crossed that line, and so had many others in my age group. It is a normal right of passage out of teenagerhood and into adulthood. I wasn’t ready to cross that line.
She turned red after that. I just burst into tears. I couldn’t believe that had just happened. I was sitting in my underwear right in front of Blythe Mathews. What had I done? I wanted to run away to a place where no one could find me.
Then for even more of a shock, Blythe wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into a hug. I cried into her shoulder.
“I’m sorry.” She said.
She was being genuine. She was showing me she actually cared about me. That is a scary thought, that a girl I thought I hated actually liked me.
“If we do this you can’t laugh at me or make fun of me when I do weird stuff like lose it too quickly. You can’t force me to do what I don’t want to.” I pulled back from her.
“I won’t.” she looked into my eyes.
I didn’t know why I was agreeing to this, okay I did. I wanted to start down a road of recovery I wanted to stop hating Blythe. I didn’t want this anger to control me anymore. But more than that I wanted to be with a girl who wanted to be with me. I know it wasn’t a healthy start to a relationship, and it is probably going to end in a shipwreck, but I wanted to try.
“No one can know,” I said.
She kissed me then, a real kiss with genuine feeling behind it. I kissed her back.
When I got home I was exhausted, but you were waiting for me. Let me tell you, your worried look was a lot scarier than my dad’s.
“Where’d you go?” you asked.
“Out. I had to get rid of some steam.”
“Are you okay?”
You could have probably seen that I had been crying. I nodded.
“I just wanted to be sure, you looked kind of scary back there.”
“Sorry, I don’t know if my dad told you, but I have anger issues. You don’t have to worry I’m on medication and have been going to therapy. I would never hurt you I swear.”
“Thank you for telling me.”
I nodded again.
“Goodnight.” You said before kissing my forehead.
Then you left.
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