Dear Rosey,
I am exhausted. Being in a secret relationship with someone you are trying very hard not to hate is exhausting. Two weeks, that’s how long it’s been since I last wrote in the diary. I stopped writing because I didn’t think I needed it anymore, with you, Blythe, and my therapist I felt I had a decent support system. So, why am I writing in this now after two weeks of not writing? Well, my support system has kind of crumbled, as I thought it would.
Today Blythe and I got into a fight. Again. I can’t do this. I can’t continue on like everything is fine. She is driving me insane. She gets mad when I don’t do what she wants. I said I wanted this to be a secret, but she is having trouble with the secret part. She keeps trying to get us caught in the act. You see Blythe is definitely an exhibitionist. I already knew this even before we got together it is how I knew she would fall for the Crowley under the bleachers' thing.
That aside she has made it her personal goal to have someone walk in on us getting feisty. I am not comfortable with being an exhibitionist. Not even close. It is embarrassing. So, I keep getting mad at her when we almost get caught, though she gets off on it. You have already almost caught us twice actually.
I think she especially likes it when it is you who almost catches us. Because she knows how I feel about you. Today though, she took it too far. You see I was in her car as we sat in the school lot just after school let out. We were making out, where anyone could have walked by and seen us.
“Stop, let’s go to your house.” I kept trying to push her off.
“Shut up and touch me.” she moaned.
“Blythe,” I begged.
“The faster you can get me off the faster we can leave.” She bit my ear.
If that is what it took then that’s what I was going to do. We laid down the seat in the back and well, got busy. Okay not really, I still can’t cross that line, but that didn’t stop Blythe from trying to push me along. Mostly we just made out and I slowly worked my way to second base and even to third. You see even though I won’t get naked, Blythe has no problems getting naked and using me to get off.
This is embarrassing but I was actually glad it was cool outside because we fogged up the windows. She was moaning really loud on purpose, she wanted someone to come and find us.
Someone did find us. My dad.
Okay, he didn’t find me, but he did find Blythe. He was doing his usual patrol when he noticed a car alone in a lot bouncing up and down. As he approached, he could hear loud moaning. He grabbed his flashlight and tapped on the fogged-up window.
I swear I died.
I pushed Blythe off and quickly made myself decent, ducking behind the seat so he wouldn’t see me. Blythe was laughing.
“Shut up!” I hissed at her.
“Mind opening up for me?” He said tapping on the window again.
“Yes, officer?” She rolled down the window.
“Blythe, mind explaining to me what exactly is going on here?”
“Well, officer Scottsdale I was just doing some…homework.”
“Homework?” he raised his eyebrow and shined his light in the car. The windows were starting to defrost.
“Yep.”
“Ms. Mathews I was not born yesterday. Who’s back there, come out.” He ordered.
“Has a crime been committed, officer?” Blythe asked.
“Actually yes, this is public indecency not to mention you are a minor until your 18th birthday.”
“Well, what if I promise not to do it again. Can I get a freebie please, please, please? I’m trying to be a good girl I promise.” She made a fake pout.
He sighed and continued to look around in the car.
“What about you, do you promise as well?” he could see my shoulder and legs now.
“Yeah, I promise. Sorry, sir.” I made my voice sound weird, like really low.
Blythe almost laughed.
He looked at her with suspicion.
“Well okay, I better not catch you again, get out of here.” He turned his flashlight off and motioned for Blythe to drive away.
She put the car into drive and drove us to her house. Where was my car you ask, well I had left my car parked at home and Blythe picked me up after school then drove us back to the campus. Which is how I know she wanted us to get caught.
You thought I was locked in my room, but I was not home at all.
“What the hell Blythe.” I snapped at her.
She laughed at me.
“It’s not funny if he would have seen me, I mean do you even think?”
“It’s fine, he didn’t see you. You worry too much.”
“Worry too much! My dad just caught us! This isn’t fun for me okay, I hate doing stuff like that. I mean all we are doing is making out with each other. I want more than this.”
“What do you mean?”
“I want a romantic dinner or a movie night. I want a date, or for you to do some simple gesture that will make my day. This is not a relationship. This is frenemies with benefits. I don’t think this is going to work.” I turned in my seat to look out the window.
She was silent until we got to her house.
“I’m sorry.” She finally said.
“We don’t go well together Blythe, you are just stressing me out. I want to break up.”
“No,”
“No?”
“No, you can’t break up with me.”
“I can do whatever I want, I already told you even before we started this that I didn’t want to do this. I’m not comfortable with what we do, I just want to go back to my normal life.”
“I can try harder, I can take you on a date, we can be better.” She turned in her seat and looked at me.
“No. I want to go home before my dad finds out I’m not there.”
She turned away again, I could see the tears in her eyes. She looked furious. Then she just turned the car on and drove me home. I was too exhausted to sneak in the way I got out, so I just walked through the front door. Which was a mistake, because you were in the kitchen and you saw me.
You had half a sandwich sticking out of your mouth, you looked too cute. I just ran upstairs and unlocked my door before I slammed myself in my room again. I was about to start writing in my journal then when you came in.
“Where were you?” you asked.
How could I tell you? How could I say that I was sleeping with my arch enemy? I just broke down, you sighed and came to sit next to me wrapping your arms around my body. You are always so warm.
“What’s wrong?”
“I can’t tell you.” I sobbed.
“Why not? It’s okay, I won’t tell.”
“Blythe.”
“What? What did she do?” you were so cute with your protector mode.
I didn’t want to tell you, but I had to tell someone, and my dad and therapist were out of the question. I couldn’t tell my therapist because she would probably just tell my dad, she knows my struggles with Blythe.
So, I did. I told you I was dating Blythe. I told you everything about how she found out about us, how she used it against me. How I gave in to the darkness in me, how she’s been working me to the bone. It all just burst free from me. Then I waited for you to say something.
“Why didn’t you tell me when it happened?”
“I didn’t want you to think I was a freak, that I was purposely telling everyone I knew.” I didn’t want to say it was because I still had feelings for you. I didn’t want you to think that I was trying to get in your pants.
You sighed and wrapped yourself around me even tighter, laying with me in my bed, just cuddling with me.
“You can’t let her treat you like that.” You rubbed my head.
“I deserve it, I am just as horrible as she is. I mean it felt good to be with her, except when it didn’t if that makes sense. I just want more than that, I want someone who actually wants my happiness. Blythe and I are the same, we deserve each other.”
“You’re better than she is because you can admit you have a problem. You are nothing like her. You deserve to be happy.”
You holding me just felt so right, it felt like we fit perfectly together. I wished that moment could have lasted forever. Being with you makes me want to be better. You made me want to believe that I did deserve to be happy, despite all the horrible things I’ve done. It was like when you said it there was a chance it was true, and I wanted it to be.
There is still so much I want to learn about you, like what makes you so sure that I am redeemable? Why do you think I can be happy? Why do you care about me in the first place? Why did you kiss me?
Maybe it was because you didn’t know me, not really. You don’t know all of the horrible stuff I’ve done, you don’t know how deep my anger goes. I won’t tell you either, I don’t want you to ever see that side of me.
Which is why I am writing in this diary because though I still have you, I can’t tell you what it is I really want. How I really feel. You and I are closer than we have ever been, yet why do I still feel so lonely?
Comments (6)
See all