Dear Rosey,

My dad confronted me today because he is concerned. You see in my usual therapy sessions I always tell Dr. Spinner everything that’s been happening. But ever since you got here, I’ve been very careful about what I tell her. Backsliding she calls it. It’s even worse now with everything that’s happened with Blythe. I feel like I can’t tell Dr. Spinner anything. So, in our Saturday morning session, I didn’t say a word. Just like it was the first session all over again. Complete regression she called it.

So, Dad confronted me today. Dr. Spinner told him about my regression and he was concerned that it was because of you and your mom.

“Zara, can I talk to you?” He asked as I was sitting on the couch staring off into nothingness.

“Yeah?”

“Is everything okay, Dr. Spinner told me you wouldn’t talk to her today. What’s wrong?” he sat next to me, getting ready to try and guilt trip me into telling him everything.

“Nothing I just didn’t feel like talking.”

“Zara, you can talk to me.”

“Dad really, I’m fine.”

“She told me that it started when I introduced you to Melissa. Are you uncomfortable with her? Is it Rose. Did something happen?”

“Dad, seriously. Please, can we just drop it.”

“Not until you give me some kind of reassurance. I want progress, not regression. We can’t go back to that place okay, I’m not going to let you destroy your life. Are you still taking your pills?”

“Yes I am, I’m not going to back to that I promise. Rose and I are fine I told her about my anger problem, I had to.”

“Did you---”

“No dad, I would never hurt her. It was over something stupid, I swear nothing my police officer dad has to worry about. Just teenager problems.”

He sighed, he saw he was not going to get anywhere with me.

We have been down this road before. I always have trouble telling him anything. Mostly because every time I do, he would rather judge and condemn me than actually help me. That is the kind of dad he is, I feel it’s better for my sanity and his if he is left in the dark.

So how did all these anger issues start? Well, it was right around the time Blythe started bulling me. You see when I was twelve my parents got into a fight that resulted in a divorce. So, it was like my life was falling apart on all sides. I don’t know what happened it was like something in me snapped and I just got so angry. An anger that wouldn’t go away. I started acting out, doing things I normally wouldn’t do. I became a monster.

I wanted to hurt everyone around me. I would get into fights all the time. At first, my dad thought I was just defending myself so he taught me how to fight back. He didn’t know I was the one starting the fights. I would retaliate on my teachers, my peers, anyone who came into contact with me. And when I was finally alone after pushing everyone away. I started to hurt myself.

That was a very dark time in my life and I don’t want to go back there. I still have the scars.

By the time I got to high school, everyone knew me as Zara Scottsdale the witch. They called me the witch because they didn’t want to get in trouble for saying, bitch. Though I knew what they meant, the teachers did too. Every time it came to get a new class schedule for the next school year the teachers would have a drawing to see who got stuck with me for a whole year.

How did I figure this? Well, one day in detention which is right across from the teacher's lounge, I heard them talking about it. I snuck out to see what all the commotion was and that is when I saw it. They were groaning because they had to get stuck with me. To make matters worse I found out it was the school’s idea to keep Blythe and me in the same class because they thought eventually, we would make up and become friends again.

That is the burden I carry on my shoulders every time I walk into that school. I am the witch and no one wants to deal with me. That is why I am so angry all the time. Well, at least one of the reasons why.

So when my dad was saying he didn’t want me to go back to that, this is what he was referring to. I don’t want to go back to that either but I’d be lying if I said I never thought about hurting myself again. That night after the cave, I thought about it then. After Blythe and I kissed the first time, I thought about it then. When we broke up, I thought about it then too.

The only thing stopping me is you Rosey.

Because I don’t want you to see the monster I am; I want to be better for you. That is what stops me from going back to that place. Still, I feel like I am slipping, slowly falling back into old habits. I can feel myself getting tired of trying to be a decent human begin. I want to push you away, to push my dad away. I want to be alone.

Then again, I don’t want to be lonely.

I know that doesn’t make sense, trust me I am aware that I am a walking contradiction. I just wish I could tell this stuff to someone.

“Zara, I know you might not feel comfortable talking about girl stuff to me, but you have Melissa now. She told me she tried to talk to you but you didn’t say much. You can talk to her now. She’s going to be your stepmom.” When he said this, I sort of shut down.

I didn’t mean to, it’s just, the topic of moms and stepmoms makes me very uncomfortable. My mom never talks to me anymore, because my dad told her to stay away. For reasons I guess but that doesn’t mean I want to replace her. Which is what it sounded like my dad wanted.

“Dad I got to go to school.” After all, today was the first time we would be riding together.

So, once I saw you come downstairs I quickly got up and exited as fast as I could out of that situation.

“What was that about?” you asked

“Nothing, just my dad being my dad. I swear he doesn’t grasp the concept of personal boundaries.”

You laughed, which made me laugh. I liked that I could laugh and just mostly be myself around you.

“How are you feeling?”

“Better, I just hope Blythe isn’t at school today.”

Of course, that was too much to hope for. Not only was she at school, but she was waiting for me.

“Here.” She said shoving a bear, holding a heart of chocolate and flowers in its arms, into my hands. The chocolate box said I’m sorry.

Everyone was looking at us. They were expecting it to be some joke Blythe was playing on me. They were waiting for the punchline.

“Blythe I---”

“Look I know I messed up okay, but I just want a second chance. I can be better. Really, I can. I’m sorry, for everything. I don’t want to lose you.” She pleaded, there were tears in her eyes. I could tell she had been rehearsing that for a while.

“Zara don’t.” You squeezed my arm.

Blythe glared at you with a look that could rival medusa.

“Blythe, I can’t accept this.” I handed the bear back to her.

“Please.” She begged.

“Leave her alone, she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you.” You stood up for me, saying all that I couldn’t. I was glad you were there.

I saw Blythe clench her fist and I knew what was coming before you did. So, I jumped in the way as her fist came flying. She hit me so hard you had to catch me to keep me from falling. The bear lay forgotten on the floor. Everyone around us was laughing and making commentary.

“Don’t touch her.” I spat at Blythe.

“Fight, fight, fight.” The crowd cheered.

“She’s your stepsister.” Blythe spat.

“Shut up!” I pushed her.

“Zara stop.” You tried to grab me, to stop me. I just pushed you off. I had no control, I wanted to hurt someone. I didn’t even realize that I had hurt you. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have pushed you. You were just trying to help. I’m sorry.

“Why don’t I just tell everyone what you truly are.” Blythe pushed me back.

This was going to get ugly if someone didn’t stop it.

“How can you expect me to be with you when you act like this? Is this what you call better?” I spat.

She clenched her jaw and her tears were falling now.

“If I can’t have you, then no one can.” She whispered so only I could hear her.

“Why are you doing this to me?” I demanded.

“Because I love you!” she shouted so loud that everyone got silent, wondering if they had heard right.

Even I was surprised, I didn’t think it was possible for Blythe to love anything, let alone me.

“What’s going on here?” Principal Pederson asked.

Blythe sobbed and grabbed the forgotten bear before running off. I felt horrible again.

“Blythe wait,” I tried to chase after her, but Principal Pederson stopped me by grabbing me by the arm.

“To my office Ms. Scottsdale.” Then he dragged me with him.

“You too Ms. Stewart.” He said to you.

That is how we both wound up in after school detention.

“Well, I was wondering how long it would be before you found your way back here.” Ms. Mullen The detention teacher said as I signed in.

“Bite me.” I snapped before taking my usual seat.

You sat next to me.

“We are so dead when we get home.” You sighed laying your head down.

“More like I am so dead, you will probably get off with a warning.” I kicked my feet up on the desk.

“So, you want to talk about it?”

“I’m sorry I pushed you. I didn’t mean to, I was just---”

“It’s fine, we all get caught up in the moment sometimes.” You turned your head to look at me.

But I wasn’t caught up in the moment I wanted to say. It was my anger that did that, not me. I never want to hurt you ever again.

“Guess so, still I’m sorry.” I forced a smile.

“No talking.” Ms. Mullen snapped.

You just smiled at me in response.

When we finally got home they were waiting for us, my dad and your mom.

“Another fight Zara, and to make matters worse you dragged Rose into it.” He yelled.

“No, I---”

“I started it, sir. Zara was just trying to protect me.” You jumped in.

I wanted to kiss you right then and there, but of course, I would never do that in front of my dad, or ever again…

“I’m humbled Rose, but I know my daughter. I told you to leave Blythe Mathews alone.”

“She came up to me!”

“You don’t always have to retaliate.”

“Rosey go to your room. We will talk later.” Melissa, your mom said.

Then you gave me an apologetic look and ran upstairs.

“We should be lucky her mom isn’t pressing charges.”

“I didn’t even hit her!”

“But you thought about it and that is the issue. You won’t talk to me, or your therapist, I mean I am at my wit's end here this is your last chance tell what is going on or else.”

“Or else?”

“If you are going to be too dangerous to keep around Rose, we are going to have to find you another situation.” He said.

I swear it was like all the anger and energy in my body just left and I was defeated. Gone was the rage here to stay was the depression. I wanted to hurt myself but for a different reason. I just swallowed down my tears and looked at the floor. I knew I had to tell him something, or else. And I didn’t want or else.

“Zara look at me,” he ordered.

“I’m trying.” I finally cracked. “I’m trying to be a better person dad, I swear I am. I’ve been trying to stay away from Blythe. I’ve been writing in my diary like Dr. Spinner said. I do the breathing exercises, I take the pills. I--I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t want to hurt Rosey. I'd never want to hurt Rosey. I just want to be normal just like everyone else.” I sobbed.

He just sighed and took a deep breath, wiping his own tears. I wanted him to tell me I was normal, to tell me I would be okay, that one day we would figure it out. I wanted him to embrace me and say he's sorry. I wanted him to do something, but all he said was,

“Go to your room, you’re grounded.”

The anger was back, and at full force no less. I ran upstairs and slammed the door. I hated myself for letting that happen today, I hated that I dragged you into it. Mostly I just hated that I could never be normal.

I don’t even know what happened, to be honest, I just saw red and next thing I knew my room was destroyed. My things were broken, the pages before this entry were ripped out and torn to shreds. Pages you will never read.

I had let the anger out and I felt ashamed. I looked in the mirror and looked into my dark green eyes. I didn’t see anything I liked. So, I punched myself in the face, in the same spot Blythe hit. I did this three times.

Complete regression.

Then I just sat on my floor in the middle of the mess and cried.

Maybe it would be better if I was sent away from you.