Trigger warning: Self harm/abuse

I have
Bad days
Sometimes
And when they come
I get my nails
As long as possible
And tear them
along my wrist
in long
smooth strokes
so that it hurts
and the pain
seems to buzz
which I love.
Because it’s familiar
And when I want it
It’s always there,
Like an old friend,
Waiting
For me.
I do it
when I make mistakes
To punish myself
Although
In a way
If I love it so much
Is it actually a reward?