Coming back to Fortis Green Road I found the flat empty for the first time. (They have changed the numbering from when I lived there, if you want to look it up it is the other end of the road to the current number 10) I went straight to the kitchen and put the kettle on, then I looked around. The kitchen actually had a fire door out the back and a window that overlooked what lay between Fortis Green Road and Queens Avenue. Not the greatest of views, but better than just looking at the bleak wall of another building. In a way I was quite happy to be on my own for a while. I needed to come to terms with what I had done.

The experience at the theatre was enlightening. As Magna I would not have received such a friendly reception. Professionally I had always been in competition after at the latest half an hour. Technicians Will’s age would fear the competence or even doubt the wisdom of my ideas. Had Magna told Will of the plan with the rig, I would bet he’d argued against it. Monique, on the other hand had calmly explained her idea and Will had, to my surprise, patiently listened and understood my reasoning. Had all that confusion been, because I had always been thinking like a woman and that had the guys thrown into confusion if not hostility?

And then I thought back to the attempt at self castration. That desperation about losing my beautiful girl voice and the possibility to be – at least sometimes – a girl in those incredible dresses and sing, sing like the girl I wanted to be. I could feel it again, now, the pain that had caused. How the pain had turned into anger that finally turned against myself, because I was not able to be the guy everybody expected of me. And now Janet had told me, that she had cringed, when I had myself disfigured with that botched amateur tattoo. I decided to do something about it. In one of the breaks I would seek out a real tattoo artist and ask him to try and turn that into something flowery and girly. Something I could show proudly! Why had I never realised how much I was screwing up my life?

Well, some force in the universe had to have had pity on me. Both, Florence and Sandra were right. There was nothing coincidental about all this. If I’d been aware of my dilemma I could not even have planned things half as well as they were turning out. Admittedly there were hiccups, like the stupid German laws, but over all, deary me, how lucky I was! How much I had enjoyed becoming woman friends with Sandra, May and Florence, how confident and comfortable I had felt this afternoon with Will, who was such a nice fatherly type.

I had hated my father. Whatever I did, whether I came home with the second best notes in my class or sometimes the best, HE had always been better. How convenient, that his school records had been burned in a bomb raid.

To protest against him I had sabotaged my own future by stopping to make an effort, starting to smoke dope. Well, that was probably a boon. Heavy consumption of cannabis during puberty could have definitely feminising effects. In my case, with the lack of testosterone, I had developed small boobs. Yes, not man boobs, small breasts. Never big enough to be seen under my oversized hoodies or t-shirts. But now, when I put the cushions in my bra’s cups, I could actually push my small breasts up enough to produce a hint at cleavage. I must have been quite far removed from reality not to have noticed. That was probably also due to the long period of regularly consuming pot. The work in the music industry had not helped to reduce that, rather the opposite. Just as well that after the financial disaster with the process with my partners I had had to stop. Like I said before, all seemed to be part of an impeccable master plan.

With a sigh I sank into a chair at the kitchen table just to have to get up again, as the kettle boiled. I made a pot of tea and filled a mug, adding milk and sugar. Then I started to hunt for biscuits and actually found a packet of digestives. Well, better than nothing. Was it still time to hit the supermarket? I looked at my watch and realised that I still had enough time to finish my tea quietly first. After my tea I examined the kitchen, only to find, that Sandra was no more a house person than May. All I found were some almost useless cans and a lot of menus for take away. You name it, she had the menu. I could not help but to laugh. Here were these two thoroughly feminine women and between them they could possibly produce a full English breakfast, but that was the extent of it.

Still giggling to myself I made my way downstairs again and to the shops. None of the people in there had seen me before, so I was the object of a lot of examining looks, as I started to fill my shopping bags. At least I had found a couple of those in the kitchen cupboard. An elderly lady working the till at the butchers finally asked out loud what I thought had been on everybody’s mind:

“Hello there, love. Have I seen you enter number ten a couple of times in the last days?”

“Yes, you have. I replied. I am a friend of Sandra’s and I will share the flat with her. I just got a job here in London.”

“Oh, where are you from?”

“I am from Germany, actually.”

“Well I never,” she said “You have no accent whatsoever, love.”

I could not help but to smile. In the middle of London there was the same atmosphere I had so enjoyed as a teen in Lowestoft with Sandra and Mrs. Anderton. I had come home. Yes, I realised, I had always though of England as home. Germany was just a place where I lived. With a happy smile I paid my purchases and was let go with:

“I hope you’ll enjoy living in the neighbourhood, love.”

“Thank you, I am sure I will.”

Was it the fact, that as a young woman I was just treated differently, the kind of village energy that surrounded and filled Fortis Green Road and Muswell Hill, the way my clothes seemed to caress me, the experience with Will or the lot of all of it that I suddenly felt free and happy? I was actually quietly singing to myself as I finished shopping. I felt better than ever before. The past could well just drop away and be forgotten. There was a new life waiting for me here. A life as a woman. And I was going to embrace it fully.

My two bags filled with goodies including triple chocolate overload ice cream and other delicacies I though we might enjoy all three, but also including some stuff to do serious cooking and a bottle of Zubrovka. I made my way back and put everything away in the kitchen. Then I lit the gas fire in the lounge, filled a bowl with ice cream and made myself comfortable on the sofa. This, I thought, could hardly get any better. I had not quite finished the ice cream when Sandra and May came back. Sandra looked into the lounge and went:

“Oooh Moni, what are you having?”

“Triple chocolate overload.” I giggled, knowing she’d love it, too.

Sandra squealed in delight and pulled May into the kitchen. It did not take long for them to come back and settle around me.

“Someone has been to the shops.” Sandra remarked with a mouth full of ice cream.

“Hmmh.” was all I replied.

“Oh, Honey,” May said “I could certainly get used to this. Are you going to cook for us, too?”

“Not today, May. Today I indulge myself.”

And then I told them about my day, the driving licence, bank account and how different it had been to meet with Will compared to previous experiences as Magna.

“You’ll see, Monique,” Sandra giggled “no man that age can refuse anything to a cutie like you. Make good use of that.”

“Some people call that feminine wiles.” May laughed.

“I must admit it is wonderful. I could never have imagined it. Will asked me how old I was and I actually thanked him for the nice compliment when I told him I was in my early thirties. But he was seriously impressed by my rock show experience. I think he never ever handled systems that big in his life.”

“Well, I am sure you got a protector there now. Not that I think you need one, mind you, but he will definitely try.” May said earnestly “That class of men just is like that.”

Sandra took all our bowls to get some more ice cream and I heard her in the kitchen ordering Indian take away. She came back with the bottle of Zubrovka and poured each of us a shot to go with the ice cream.

“Ladies” Sandra said ceremoniously “to our future!”

“To our future” May and I repeated and we knocked back our Vodkas.

All three of us relaxed into the sofa, me on one side of Sandra and May on the other. Sandra put an arm around each of our shoulders and pulled us closer whispering:

“My love and my best friend, Life is great!”