My husband and I just got to the park with our one year old daughter and perfect timing, she needed a diaper change. My husband volunteers, strange, unexpected, and not normal but who am I to turn down the chance for me to get two minutes to myself and a pass on dirty diaper ‘doody’. Oh, a pun, almost as bad as a dirty diaper. Sorry, I’ll try to steer clear of those from now on.

So, my husband goes back to the car and I just stand there thinking about what all I could do with my two free minutes.

I start to clap my hands and say “Yay.” If you have a young child who doesn’t speak yet this is what you do with them. But this isn’t mommy and baby time, this is me time. Then I start to feel selfish, me time, me time. Really, I will never have me time again, ever. If you are a mom, you understand this. While being selfish for cherishing the two minutes of me time I have, I realize I need to socialize, yes, ugh, I need to socialize.

Well, there are other people at the park. So much for me time, let’s get down to business. I look around and decide the easiest people to talk to would be the kids. I can do that but the parents would think it’s weird. See, I’m thinking this time. Ok, I only have two minutes so I need to get started.

There’s a mom pushing her little one in a baby swing, perfect, common ground.

I walk over, I hate walking in front of people. I can never walk normal when other people are around. What is wrong with me, does one leg all the sudden get longer than the other? Do I walk too sexy normally when I don’t pay attention, then when I’m self-conscious I stiffen up and look like I have leg braces on. Do other people have funny walk syndrome when in the company of others?

Ok, so I finally get to the swings only slightly feeling like I drug the longer leg and was able to stifle the sexy walk with my imaginary leg braces. Mental note, stop being so mental. I lean up against the swing set pole because I have this thing about standing still too long and feeling faint, I’ll tell you about that another time, I already feel you sending me ‘she’s crazy vibes.’ Anyway, I’m at the swings, leaning against the pole and I do that head nod thing and say ‘Hi.’ I didn’t cross my arms even though I really, really wanted to but I have always heard that’s bad body language and I wanted to be way open so I let my arms dangle limp at my sides. What else am I supposed to do with these things?

The poor mom, she’s been watching me since I managed to walk up. She says hi and I’m thinking, yes, I have a new best friend. We can have play dates, girls nights out, drink wine, talk about books. I’ve always wanted a best friend. Ok, what’s my next move, common ground so I ask, ‘How old’s your baby?’ She starts to take him out of the swing and is looking at me funny, she says ‘eight months, why?’

At this point I hear my husband whistling and yelling my name. Great, my two minutes are up. I look over and he’s still at the car, he must be having trouble. I need to go asap and start to take off and over my shoulder I yell to my new best friend ‘I have a poop emergency, don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right back.’ Yes, I said that out loud, I didn’t want to lose her as a friend.

I realize how odd it was for me to “walk” up to a lady with a little baby and hang out when she never even saw that I had a child and then announce I have a poop emergency.

I’m learning. After the fact.

Please Invade My Privacy! So I don’t have to invade yours.