Days seemed to pass by quite lazily.

Nothing eventful had really occurred, other than the fact that we still had a mountain of chores we promised the staff we’d do. But other than that, I found myself missing Felix and Theo all the more. I wondered what they were doing.

I still had to take care of Lucas though. He was becoming more difficult as the days came and went. I even found that he’d disappear and leave me for hours, only to return grumpier than when he left.

I could only blame this shifting attitude on his father, and probably the rest of his family. It was a good thing the madam hadn’t called to check in on my progress. I was afraid of telling her that I was nowhere near done helping him than when I first began.

Maybe Theo was right. Maybe Lucas would never grow to like me. And it wasn’t like I wanted him to be completely friendly. I only wanted him to accept that I wasn’t going to hurt him.

That was a difficult task. Because people who had been hurt before, were always bound to fear getting hurt again. I couldn’t blame Lucas for putting up such defensive walls. This also made it all the more harder to accomplish my declaration of making him fall in love with me. At this point, I accepted I’d never win.

As Theo had said, I’d probably fail, but that would be okay.

What I found strange though, was the fact that our physical relationship was closer than our emotional one. Was it because we were young and our sex drive was wild? Or was it because I knew Lucas needed someone warm, someone to remind him that it was okay to trust other people? Because I sure as hell knew Lucas had not grown up in a good, healthy environment. No one did. That was why we needed each other.

And I didn’t know what Lucas wanted. He was distant, and then he became close at times. And whenever he looked at me like he wanted to say something, he’d stop himself immediately. I could still recognize he hated me, in the way he’d speak to me with spite and annoyance, like he couldn’t stand the sight of me at times. I couldn’t blame him. I didn’t like being around him either.

Wait—if we were seducing one another, then did that mean . . . sex was an option as well? I must’ve grown bright red at the thought.

I hid my face by bringing my hood up over my head.

Would Lucas even want to have sex with me? I thought to myself. 

At that moment, I felt a pair of strong hands hold my waist securely.

We were both currently in the grand library of the mansion. It was a place of whimsy, as all places in the great house were, and I found that the library must’ve been as big as any other library in the city. The entire North wing of the estate was made up entirely of the bookshelves around us.

I had to shield my eyes away from the large, looming windows overhead that spilled golden light onto the dark wood banisters and shelves that held volumes and volumes of classic literature and books I could not even read. Below, the floor was blanketed in cold marble, with a design of the world placed directly in the center of it all. I even believed they hired Michelangelo to paint the ceiling, considering the amount of cherubs and naked people displayed before me so explicitly in oiled paint.

Again, the place was lit alive all the more with four giant chandeliers. I wondered how many of those things were in the house. Most likely around 500.

I brought the feather duster above me, reaching out for the farthest shelf I could reach with help from the ladder. It was hard for me to concentrate on my footing whilst knowing how tightly he was holding onto me. I hated how flustered I suddenly was.

“You don’t need to hold me.” I told him, containing the jumpiness in my voice. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to notice.

“I know how clumsy you are.” He said, sounding genuinely concerned over my well-being. Everyone seemed to tell me that. I guessed I was just a clumsy person. There was nothing I could do about it.

His hands remained there on my waist, steadying me. It was unlike the times when we were alone whilst his fingers played along my skin. Now, I could only feel that he was trying to lift me up as carefully as he could, so that I would not fall.

I wasn’t sure which sort of touch I liked best. Maybe both.

And it was good that he was holding me. It gave me the chance to keep him from running away. At times it even stung when he did so, since it revealed just how much he really wanted me to leave.

Well, it was going to be a lot harder to get rid of me. Making me cry wouldn’t do the trick. I was a lot tougher than what Lucas thought I was.

I sighed, “As expected, you have too many books.”

He narrowed his eyes. “Is that a bad thing?”

“I had to steal books in order to read them. I did that in school.” I revealed, dusting at a book as thick as a computer screen. “You’ve never had to worry about anything like that.”

“Must I apologize for having money?”

“As a matter of fact, yes. Yes, you do.” I told him, “I think all rich people should.”

Lucas fell silent. That was strange. He’d usually begin bickering with me.

I turned away from him. Maybe inciting an argument wouldn’t benefit us both. And so I stopped from pestering him further.

But I liked the way I could push his buttons. More so now since he’d been acting differently. Could some of it have been my fault as well? Probably.

That only furthered my will to help him. But the more I realized I wanted to do that, the more I realized that maybe I had other intentions jumbled up amongst that desire as well. If he wasn’t a friend, then why did I want to stay by his side? He was only a mere acquaintance.

I hated him. So why did I have such feelings? Was it because I saw too much of the kindness he held hidden inside? Was I really falling for the bad boy, like I was in some cliche romance novel? This was all happening too quickly! Never, in my life had I fallen for someone so eagerly and hurriedly. Was this what they called a whirlwind . . . romance?

Though I had to remind myself that Lucas would never, ever feel that way towards me. It was impossible. And so I’d have to diminish this newfound revelation in some way. Though how could I do that with him trying to seduce me at every given chance? I still had weeks left with him. How was I going to stay calm?

I must’ve been caught up in my thoughts, because when I tried to step down from the ladder, my foot slipped, and I found myself leaning backwards, free-falling towards the ground until I felt strong hands beneath my legs and back, saving me from what was most likely going to be a bad fall. I’d grabbed onto my savior’s shoulders when I fell, gripping onto him like he was life itself. The feather duster was long gone.

“You fell.” Lucas said, easily holding me up. “I told you.”

I had my mouth open, ready to argue back at him, though for some odd reason I wasn’t able to form any coherent words. To be honest, I felt a bit tongue tied.

And so I remained there, in his arms, staring up at him like a fish out of water, hoping to anyone out there that my current rush of emotions wasn’t being displayed on my face.

I looked up at him, watching as his grey eyes had changed from severe to troubled in the days since the party. No longer were they vicious cat eyes. Instead, they’d turned into downward crescents that revealed he’d been worrying over something. Maybe spending so many months away from his father had given him a boost of confidence.

Where had it all gone?

My eyes unintentionally travelled down to his lips, to the way they curved down as he scowled, but also to the way they formed elegant lines whenever he dared to give me the usual, cocky smile I’d found annoying.

I’d said back then that I wanted to share my first kiss with someone who really loved me, but I couldn’t help the way my heart betrayed my mind with lust. Because if I wanted my first kiss to be anything, then I wanted it to be good. And Lucas would definitely make it great.

“Are you . . . okay?” Lucas disrupted my thoughts.

I focused my attention to his eyes again. “Y-yes.”

My mind had travelled to that night when he nearly kissed me. I found I was actually going to let him do just that. But Lucas, being the idiot he truly was, only teased and threatened me.

At times I wished he didn’t have such a good heart. Because I realized that I did want him to kiss me.

Just do it already. I thought, hoping my words would come across out loud.

Sadly, they did not.

“Did you faint?” He asked, bringing his hand to my forehead. “You look . . . dazed.”

“I’m fine.” I assured him shakily. “Just—just give me a minute.”

He didn’t make any indication of letting me go. That was good. I didn’t want him to release me just yet.

Lucas stared down at me concernedly, “Are you sure you’re—?”

I let go of him and patted his shoulder, lowering myself from his hold but still grasping onto his shirt all the while. I needed to catch my breath.

“I’m fine.” I repeated, faking a smile. “I’m not delicate.”

He stayed standing there, not believing me. “Sure.”

“I’m not.” I declared, ignoring his intense gaze to pick up the feather duster off the floor. I didn’t want to meet his eyes. “Stop worrying, please. I’m fine.”

I could hear him laugh. “Clumsy and stubborn.” He said under his breath.

I prevented myself from getting angry at his remark.

Maybe I wasn’t falling for him. Maybe this was all just me confusing emotions. Emotions were, after all, things that confused us all.

“Just get back to work.” I told him. I dropped my gaze to his lips once more when I noticed how visible my thoughts must’ve been.

Lucas smiled.

I want to kiss him.

I don’t want to kiss him.

This is all hormones, right?

Just the thought of him kissing me brought my fingers to my lips, to feel them. They were soft now, so if Lucas kissed me as he usually did on my body, then would my lips become red and swollen? How would that feel? A small part of me wanted to know, and a small part of me already knew that it’d probably feel spectacular.

I shook my head furiously and threw the duster atop one of the oak tables around us. It was then that I knew I needed to get out of there.

“Actually I—I need to—” I stumbled on my words. “I need to check—something.”

Lucas raised a brow, obviously confused. “What?”

I took the feather duster again and pushed it to his arms, “Garden.”

“Pardon?” He asked.

“I need to go to the garden for—um . . .” I stepped away little by little, aware of how strange I was acting. I just wanted to get out, to clear my head. The garden did a good job of doing that. That was where I could go to escape for a few moments.

“You’ll get lost.” He warned, placing his hands on his hips like a concerned guardian. “And you almost fell right now. I’m not letting you go alone—”

“I’m not delicate.” I said, shaking my head at him. “It’s not like it’s gonna rain.”

“You do realize how much you’re jinxing yourself?” He pointed out.

“I don’t need . . . you.” I replied. “I don’t need your help.”

He glared at me. I must’ve struck a nerve. “Oh? You’re starting to sound like me.”

“So what if I am?” I argued, “You’ll get a taste of your own medicine.”

“I would never help you, Sammy.” He said, growing just as angry as I was. “Whatever I do is for my own gain, anyway. I can’t believe you actually think that I’d help you—”

“I get it.” I said. “You’re a terrible person. I should just accept it.”

“Please do.” He responded smartly.

“Are you ever nice?” I asked, fuming.

He shrugged. “Are you ever cute?”

I turned on my heels and walked away immediately, frustrated beyond belief. I hated, hated the way he spoke to me.

Why did I think I was falling for him? I was definitely not doing that. Lucas was selfish, cruel, and above all else he was intolerable. Why did I think giving him my first kiss was a good idea?

I kicked the ground as I rounded the corner to exit the library through a marbled stone archway. I could feel the eyes of Lucas watching as I departed. He must’ve been glad to see me go.

“Stupid Lucas.” I muttered, hands in fists as I walked without a general care in which direction I was headed. I just had to get to the garden. That was what I really wanted in that moment.

There was simply a feeling of disappointment filling my gut. Because I knew I was good enough to accomplish the task of helping him but—at the same time I felt so incapable of doing anything, and solely because . . . what? Helping people was what I wanted to do in life. Was that the reason why my confidence felt shattered more so in this than in anything else?

And Lucas wasn’t helping either, and neither were my emotions. I just wished there was some magical spell that could dispel me of such feelings. But then again, I recognized I could not help him without them. I couldn’t help people without them.

I just needed air.

My future, and Lucas as well—it was so hard to think about anything when I knew I had to deal with so much.

At times, I even wanted to run away. But who would run away with me? Would anyone be willing? To run away from all the bad, scary things in the world?

Was it even good to run away from my problems?

No.

That was why I had stayed so long with Lucas, because I knew he was a problem, but that he was also a problem I needed to figure out.

Why did he have to sway my emotions like that? Was I really falling for someone I couldn’t and shouldn’t have?

I closed my eyes and breathed.

I wouldn’t have cared if I wandered off in the forest. Actually, that may have been my goal from the very beginning. If Lucas could carry on with his unusual behavior, then I would do the same and allow myself to get lost.

Unfortunately, that was exactly what happened.