“Dreaming about an alligator means that something or somebody is disturbing you and you should confront your fears.”

— How many scars did you have? — Asked Doctor M.

— Plenty of them… — The hologram memory image changed and focused on π12-45 looking directly at David’s chest and belly on a mirror, eventually looking at his back.

— Why haven’t you told me about them?

— Doctor, as much as I would like to tell you about every single detail from the past and possibly help you make up your mind and believe in me; I can’t focus on everything you would be interested in hearing it.

— Fair enough, but… you can trust me, you can tell me those things even if I don’t trust you yet.

— I would like to say that, if this was my first try at making someone understand my problems, that I would be glad to see you hear them all without believing. Eventually, this clearly isn’t the first time and it annoys me to see that, no matter what had happened, there will always be someone who doesn’t understand. It happened and that is a fact.

— I would disagree. Whatever you have, you can forge it, trying to obtain my attention and make me believe in what you want, and not in what is the truth. You are a liar. A compulsive liar.

— I wonder why you have no exception in your mind. Why you keep the right to have the truth for yourself. Maybe, after all this time, you didn’t really evolve as your title says.

— I have earned my title as a high conscience for my hard work and you can’t deny it. G.O.D. is the only proof I need for that.

— Then, what happens if what you have is just a bubble?

— My word is as complex as you can see. There’s no bubble here and I can assure you about that.

— There are other worlds out there, doctor, you can’t understand them if you aren’t living them.

— That’s not necessary. I have enough knowledge here to deal with every single question any SCAI ever had.

— Except for me.

— I have enough knowledge to say you are lying.

— Or! You are lying to yourself, thinking you have the truth for everything, when you don’t. There are exceptions for your knowledge and you don’t even want to try something new.

— Am I not trying something new? I’m hearing you patiently. Why you want so much for me to believe in you?

— No one else did. It’s me and only me to tell you this story.

— So… Do you want me to find a solution to your problem in the end?

— No. I want you to hear me. There’s no solution for me.

— Interesting… Now you are closing yourself away from me. I will repeat myself a little… What do you want from me?

— Some help… To finally speak it out and let it go before I cease to exist.

— Your vital signals abruptly changed. You are sad about it. Am I right?

— Yes… The anguish of living that… It makes me malfunction and I can’t be useful anymore. I was a robot, a worker! Everything was ruined as I was forced to be David against my will. No… It wasn’t about living as David; it was about the shadows and the sorrow they brought to anyone’s life. They were controlling the lives of humans, guiding them to corrupt their own lives and, when someone dies… no one cared.

— Do you mean…

— I want you to remember me, to remember I was here telling you about my sorrows and, with that, even if you think it was all a lie, you will remember was here.

— So, all you want is attention?

— I don’t think that’s the right word for it. I don’t want you to spoil me. I want you to hear me… If I am able to make you hear me, that’s all I want and I will not ask for anything else.

— Your signs… got worse.

— If I’m not mistaken if I was a human… I am… crying…

— Like this? — Doctor M. changed the hologram again, making himself looks like David when he had some tears going down on his face.

— No… It’s deeper…

— How?

Then, π12-45 raised his hand and pointed his finger to a specific moment, no longer after the previous events on the reformatory with the shadow cat.

— What led you to that? — Asked the doctor seeing what π12-45 meant was way deeper than he thought.

__________

When I was still on the reformatory, a doctor was supposed to see me and evaluate me. Most of the time, Doctor Esther was responsible to evaluate me.

— I don’t have good news for you — she said looking at my test for the last time. — You will see the doctor who can say if you can get out of here or not, and he will tell you the same I’m telling you. You are getting worse.

— Is it really me or is it you?

— Don’t try to change the subject over me. The problem is you. Not me. All you do is to question me and not to cooperate with me. You need to change. No one can help you if you don’t change your behavior.

— What I did wrong this time? Every time you say something like that, you have something new about me.

— That’s probably because you did something wrong and you keep your mind unaware about it. Stop pretending that you don’t know about it. You are the only one who doesn’t see it.

— What happens if I really don’t know about it?

— You will be considered insane and there’s a special place waiting for you.

— Even if I am completely sane about myself, and you are the ones who don’t see it, right?

— You can keep your deny all you want. No one will fall for your lies here. We have proof that you are insane.

— Okay… That’s all the shadows want you to believe… but there’s one last thing I want to ask you. Why don’t you have a shadow with you?

— “Why don’t I have a shadow with me”? What kind of question is that? I have my shadow. Can’t you see it? — And she pointed to his actual shadow.

— I’m not talking about that kind of shadow. I’m talking about dark spirits who are trying to control humans and forcing them to do things people normally don’t want to do. Basically, everyone’s here is supposed to have one or to be haunted by one, but not you, there are no shadow spirits around you.

She laughed at me.

— Probably because God protects me against evil people like you.

— No. It’s not that. There’s no light around you. It’s as if they have no interest in you and, believe me, they don’t need a good reason to haunt you. They just do.

— I don’t know what you are talking about, just go to your dormitory and wait for tomorrow. The other doctor will show you how bad you really are — she grinned at me after saying that.

I looked into her eyes with semi-closed eyes:

— You are not human… Are you?

— Enough of this. Tomorrow will be your last day here.

She pushed me out of her office and I was at the corridor. Alone, I walked to the backyard, looking for Billy. He was avoiding me after the incident with the shadow cat. I tried to approach him one last time and I said:

— It was my fault… the cat hurting you…

— What? — He was really mad at me. — You did that! You crazy head!

— Who told you that? — I was shocked.

— No one told me! I saw! It was you all along!

— No… I took you out of there… It was dark and… How I did that? How I cut you like a cat in the dark?

— I don’t know! But you did! Everyone there… they are gone! And it’s your fault!

— I helped you… — I was useless to argue about it. — I see… It doesn’t matter, right? I didn’t do anything and yet… It was like I did, right? I’m… I’m the worse… right?

— I don’t know how you did, but you did. You are a monster! And I thought you were my friend…

— I… understand… and I’m… really sorry about that… — I was about to cry. — I never mean to hurt you… I’m sorry…

I turned my back to him and I walked all the way to my dormitory, weeping as much as I could before bursting into tears when I was finally alone.

On the next day, the doctor, called Noah, an old man, with no hair, light skin and lots of wrinkles on it, asked me after writing something on his laptop:

— Are you aware that this is your last test?

I sighted in sadness:

— Yes… No one gave me hope and I must be a lost case…

— What do you have to say about the nurse Luke, who was found dead on the dormitory on the west wing?

— It wasn’t me…

— The reformatory put hidden cams all around after what happened with the janitor John. He was killed by someone inside here. We don’t have any clue about it, but we found a footprint engraved in blood where he was killed. It matches the size of your foot.

— It wasn’t me…

— Don’t worry; you can’t be blamed about it right now. What I have to show you is this… — he turned his laptop for me and showed me a security camera video in night vision, showing some of the teenagers on the dormitory sleeping.

— What is that?

— You will see…

Suddenly, I could see someone that wasn’t on his bed jumping on it and then someone I couldn’t see at first attacked Billy. The video wasn’t showing me holding him from behind.

— That was from that night… — I said.

— Do you remember it?

— Hum… Yes? I mean… I’m not seeing myself on the video, but I remember it, yes.

— How you are not seeing yourself in the video? You right here — and he pointed to the one who attacked Billy.

— That wasn’t me. I was right behind Billy when that happened. Right here — I pointed to outside the video.

— That’s not possible. You are right here. It’s the exact same height, same size, and same body format. Everything matches!

— Sorry… It wasn’t me…

— There’s no other boy here like you.

— I imagine you have more of it, don’t you?

— Yes. I was about to show it to you — he changed the video and showed one where the same person from before attacked the other boys, one by one, then the security guards and finally Luke enters the room running. He looked back, the door was clearly closed by someone, the killer then appeared from behind some beds, and killed Luke as well while he was trying to open the door.

— I… I was the one who closed the door…

— No. You were the one who killed Luke. We can clearly see the same skin pattern of your skin blotches.

— That can’t be me!

— Doctor Esther told me you don’t know about what you did. Unfortunately, for you, you already were confirmed as the one who killed your cousin and the poor Felix at the same orphanage you was and not only that… — he picked some shoes inside of a plastic bag and showed it to me. I was terrified. — This belongs to a boy who attended the same class as you by the name Julius… and it was found between your belongings left at a rented house, years ago.

— …

— I only have one question for you. Where’s his body?

— …

— You know what I’m talking about it. Where’s his body?

— I don’t know…

— Do you have any idea about what all this means? There’s no way I can let you go back to society and be a normal human like anyone else!

— I… — I was about to say something and I saw his shadow. It was getting so big it wasn’t fitting the doctors back. First, his vertically split blue eyes were showing on each side on its head, then it got taller and taller and finally, being big enough to hold on the doctor’s shoulders, it showed its big mouth like that of alligators. — I’m seeing it again…

— What?

— The thing I’m always talking about with everyone. I can see things that aren’t there. I’m seeing it again…

— How does it look like? — I tried to give him as many details as I could. — …and is it over me?

— Yes… It’s terrifying… I… I know this isn’t there but… every time I can see them, someone dies…

— You are probably seeing a hallucination.

— I hope so… — I looked at that thing and I couldn’t stand to look at it for too long. I was having goosebumps, the room was getting colder and colder, and the smell was getting worse each time the shadow thing opened its mouth.

— Are you listening to me? — Asked the doctor.

— It’s hard with the thing here.

— David. It’s no real.

— I’m feeling cold and it smells bad — I had more goosebumps. I felt my whole body suddenly getting cold. My breathing was getting difficult.

— David? David? David! — He picked a paper bag from somewhere I couldn’t distinguish and he gave it to me, making me breathe through it.

I breathed using the paper bag for some time until I calmed down. I looked at the doctor again and the shadow was gone.

— Sorry… I guess it’s gone now — I said. — What did you want to know?

— Why you don’t assume you did those crimes?

— I have no memory about them. I can swear about it. I don’t know how those things happened. I swear I was there, but not as the culprit. That’s all can say about it. I’m sorry.

— That’s good. You can’t prove it and you never will…

I looked at the doctor and I saw his eyes were exactly like the ones the shadow alligator had and then, descending from the ceiling, the huge mouth got the doctor’s head and took it off, disappearing with it. I laughed nervously watching the body without a head spreading blood like a fountain.

— He… Help… — I tried to say, without moving. — Help… Help… Please… Help!

Someone opened the door and I was a little relieved someone had heard me. Then two men wearing black suits shoved me to the floor and I tried to hold on the table, making the laptop fall. They held me on the floor and made me wear a straightjacket, while I looked at the broken laptop screen, seeing a video repeating itself continuously, showing someone, exactly like me, cutting the doctors head with multiple cuts over the table. Then David’s clone simply looked at the screen with a horrible grin on his face.

The two men took me to an asylum, a place for “crazy heads”, like Billy liked to say. No questions, no answers. They just made me walk all the way down to a white room with padded walls and left me there, locking the only door right after it. I didn’t struggle, I didn’t want to. Not anymore. At least, this time, no one would hurt me… I thought to myself. I didn’t cry out loud, I just wept. For some reason, there was still hope in me waiting for something to get better.

It took me five years before they let me out of the padded room.