Read Healing Arrow :: 2. Ralph goes gambling

On my eighteenth birthday I made a very stange wish: that before the nineteenth I would have had sex with a man no matter what, even if I had to pay for it. I really have nothing against those who make a living out of selling sex (maybe if I were nineteen today I would probably do the same), but I always thought that the world had plenty free dick so I wouldn't need to pay for one.

I still had my final year of high school ahead of me, so things didn’t really look promising. Ten months of constant bullying really have their own way to keep your mind off things. True, I did believe in love and I always thought that sex with feelings was probably tons better, but I didn't want to get to a relationship empty-handed. I needed practice.

I found a guy online three months before my own deadline. He was really cute, but we both wanted just to do it, no strings attached, no feelings, no telling your real name on his part. I didn't know the last one was a thing.

I didn't know what I liked when it came to sex, so I just tried everything. It was all quite messy, to be honest, with a condom lost inside of me, but in the end I do have very pure memories of that day.

Well, you know what I mean.

I was never afraid of trying stuff before deciding whether I liked them or not. Well, except what society calls 'drugs'. I was always terrified of those, so I never tried them. Other than that, I always tried anything. Uuh, almost anything.

I never tried to be cool with it when a guy said he loved me after the first date.

I've done some dumb shit when it came to my love life, no wonder I was seeing it as a rotting deceased body after six years of pain. Yes, I have started relationships after the first date and of course I've had plenty of sex on the first date, but saying those three words heavier than any head wearing any crown mere minutes after a disastrous date? What was wrong with this guy?

I think this was the one time in my life when I was really thankful for my ADHD, for it has always alowed me to think a lot of things really fast. I had to say something and I knew whatever I said would be defining. After spending so much time during the evening thinking he was longing to never seeing me again, there I was, the one with the task to decide it.

What did I know about this guy? His name, his occupation, the place where he lived, some of his past experiences. I was never afraid of dating men I met online, most of them I had met the same way and the most damaging relationship I've ever had was with a guy I met the first time I tried attending college, so I couldn't say that online was bad and in person was good.

Also, I knew his age. Twenty-one. For a split second that felt like two weeks in my brain I remembered what it was like when I was twenty-one myself. I remembered how easy it was for me to fall in love back then (never to the extent of saying 'I love you' on the first date, but still) and I also remember how painful it was to never being liked back. For another split second I wanted to protect him from that pain.

That's the funny thing when you're depressed, you start wanting to protect people so they don't go through the same thing as you.

Then the third split second occured, the one that really changed everything: for the first time in my life I seemed to be on the receiving end of that stupid gratuitous and pure love I so often fell for people I had just met. And what did it mean?

It meant I had a choice.

I could become the monster that caused me so much pain by simply dismissing him or I could make the experiment and see what happens when that feeling was returned.

I had no guarantees.

I had no proof.

I also had no faith in life.

I had nothing.

I was twenty-five, jobless, hopeless, penniless and a few months before I came back to my mother's house, homeless.

Another thing I didn't have: anything to lose.

I still had honesty, though. I wouldn't lie to anyone, especially myself.

I was still seeing his declaration on my phone screen.

I wouldn't lie to him.

Deep down I wished more than anything that it was true.

How worse could life get anyway?

Sometimes you go so low they say the only way is up.