Humanity in animals is rare.

Animals in humanity is far more so.

Being trapped in an in between state where most is a mystery and everything you know is only through trial and error just adds a whole new layer of insanity.

I feel insane.

No sugar-coating, no beating around the bush. I felt like I was falling into a deep hole I’d never be able to climb out of. I was being grabbed by the throat by my emotions and throttled. I was gasping for air while I fought off memories that made me scream. I was dying.

This wasn’t a new feeling.

I was used to the crushing weight of the animalistic thoughts, the presence always right there that would never leave you alone. It was a part of who you were and you needed to own it, make it a weapon and use it.

I could never do that.

I laid down and took it. I let it use me and I tried not to fight because what was the point? It owned me. I was just along for the ride.

It was clear who own themselves and who was owned. They were submissive, outcasts, wild cards. They often became loners and wondered on their own, staved off their thoughts and bodily needs until they drove themselves over the edge.

They had no one else, save their wolf. The monster that lie in waiting, for the next shift, for when the hunger came out. When emotions ran high and rationality was low, the Wolf came out.

I can’t control him.

My eyes rolled to the back of my head and I saw no more that’s how the story goes. I can’t control him so he controls me. I can’t shift, I can’t differentiate emotions that are his and that are mine. Actions and instinct become habit and habit becomes character. I was an omega, a punching bag. I let my Wolf drag me around by the collar so they took advantage of that.

I am the Wolf and he hates me.

I can’t stop the Wolf.

He’s someone I don’t know.

~

When I woke, it was dead silent.

I blinked my eyes open slowly, lifting my head from the ground and lifting myself on weak arms. I sat, legs crossed under me, and took in the scene before me. Everyone was staring at me and my whole being burned with the uncomfortable feeling. I hated the attention.

Suddenly, arms enfolded me, and I was being lifted under the armpits. I tensed in surprise, but found my arms automatically coming to latch onto his shoulders.

“There.” He spat, the hostility in his tone surprised me. “He did the test, he passed.” With that, he turned and stomped past the crowd of silent wolves. I wasn’t sure what’d happened, I never remembered after tests, but my whole body was so tightly wound up I felt like any moment I’d shatter into pieces.

Max hushed me gently, and I realized I’d been whimpering like a wounded dog. Embarrassment, fear and confusion made a sour cocktail in my stomach and I buried my face in his throat, wanting to just exist outside of the world for a moment. For a moment, I believed I could, but we were in his room and I was lying in his bed.

He called my name, and I almost flinched, turning my head to gaze up at him. I watched his lips move; He was speaking. The words did not reach my ears, and I blinked lethargically up at him. He pet back the hair plastered against my forehead. I nuzzled into the hand and let myself drift, the aches and pains my muscles felt made themselves known. Pressing close, I let my eyes close and listened to the slow thump of Max’s heart. It was soothing, and I suddenly was burrowing into fur and listening to the beat of a warm heart. She drew me close and let me sleep near her belly; She was so familiar.

The memory vanished, and it left me feeling cold.