Mom and Dad weren’t home the entire day. M made pancakes and talked shit about the guy he had fought. “He didn’t even get any hits in, what a loser” he said. Bruise on his cheek is still very visible, like a painful afterthought.

I always wonder. What does he gain by acting like this?

His mockery was delivered with false bravo. His eyes kept shifting and he looked so uncomfortable, at least to someone who knows him well, like me.

Is it about pride?

Truth be told, he was always proud. Maybe too proud. He seemed to never bow down to anyone, his head always high. Always standing his ground. When I was younger, I admired that. Now I see it more as a hindrance - a lack of ability to compromise, to let go. It’s not only annoying, it’s just dangerous. To both him, and others. He gets into fights, does irresponsabile things, argues with everyone and everything (that part, quite honestly is kinda hilarious. You never lived until you caught someone arguing with a toaster at 3am). But it was not always exactly like this.

Granted, he, ever since he was a kid, was awfully self-assured but he wouldn’t get into as much trouble as he does now. He would still argue with people, especially teachers but, to my knowledge, it would be more of debates than arguments. He’s smart. He used to be top of his class.

What does his teenage rebellion give him? Satisfaction? He doesn’t seem happy right now, not really.

I couldn’t help but ask, what, I kind of assume, no adult involved has asked. As sad as it is, I feel like at some point, they stopped asking what happened, just started giving him detention or suspension and calling it a day.

Just why exactly has M punched the guy?

“He called me a faggot and told me to die in a ditch. Couldn’t really ignore it anymore, since he has been saying that every day since the beginning of the school year, freaking homophobic shit.”

((except he did not use the word “freaking”))

When Dad comes home, he seems surprised when he finds our leftover pancakes in the kitchen. He asks me when have I learned to cook. I smiled and shrugged. It really hurts to think how many of M’s accomplishments get pinned on me now, even small ones. It has been like this ever since his little “phase” begun.