Warning if blood and death is something that bothers you read at your own discretion

My fear it upsets me it paralyzes me it makes it hard to breathe it makes my heart pound it makes the world go dark

My fear I have a fear of blood those of you who don't know it's actually called hemophobia I wasn't always like this I went through a traumatic event as a child that cost my hemophobia manifest it's not like I haven't talked about it because I have I guess it just still bothers me in that traumatic event was my grandfather's death not just him dying but all the events that led up to it it was Thanksgiving and me and Mom were cooking turkey and we heard my grandfather was screaming we went into his room and he was having a nightmare he woke up in a panic no matter how many times we questioned him he would not tell us what he had dreamed but after everything that had happened I believe that he dreamed of his own death a couple days after that he started coughing and throwing up blood I'm afraid we didn't know what was wrong with him we wanted to take him to the doctor but he wouldn't let us he threw up a big blood clot and my mom had put it in a jar to this day I still don't know why my mom did that she told me and my brother to go in the bathroom and look at it again I still don't know why but me and my brother went to the bathroom and when I saw the jar with the biggest blood clot I've ever seen I broke down in tears and try to scream but my brother put his hand over my mouth and I just stopped silently I was afraid because I knew that that meant that I was going to lose him it just kept getting worse he was trying out more and more blood my mom decided that no matter what we had to take him to the doctor I asked my mom do you want me to call Mom at 911 I was five year old child that didn't know much but when your little too first phone number you learn is 911 so I took the phone dialed and hands it to my mother my mother talk to the rescue squad and I remember been taking him out on a gurney I remember him coughing blood that was the last time I ever saw my grandfatherI'm not sure how long he was in the hospital they found out he had bleeding ulcers in stomach he had surgery and we thought everything was fine that wasn't to the day my mother was going to take me to visit him we went up to his hospital room but he wasn't there the only thing that was was a bed covered in blood and immediately my hope and happiness turned into fear I no longer understood what was happening the nurse told us that he had to be rushed into emergency surgery because his ulcers had started bleeding again my dad took me home and and my mom and dad stayed at the hospital overnight the next day I was woken up by my sister I admittedly had a sense that I have lost something I felt like I had lost a piece of me but I didn't understand why that was until I walked into the living room and I saw my brother in the hall and my parents on the couch I went over to my mom and sat in her lap she said that she had something to tell me and that it was going to upset me she told me your grandfather's heaven now he's in a better place his death took a piece of me and a piece that I can never get back and it lets me with a fear but wherever he is now I want him to it's not his fault and I still love him I'm getting over today I don't fear blood as much as I used to when I see blood now I don't constantly think I'm dying I'm dying I want to make it stop instead I tell myself it's just blood the bleeding stop I can never get the piece back that shattered but I can heal