Warning mentions of blood and death read at your own discretion

My father is a man who hides his pain he does not express his feelings but even though he never says the words I know he truly loves us deeply when my father lets me in and I see his pain he lets me see that I'm not alone and he truly understands me

My father has suffered with so many things he was diagnosed with arthritis and fibromyalgia a year before I was born he's been on so many different medications been through so many different things and because of that he suffered with anxiety and depression so I feel as though my father truly understands me I've been so close to losing him so many times I do not know what I would do without him I feel like if I did lose him I'd break he means so much to me my father blacked out one night and we had to take him to the emergency room we found out that he had had a silent heart attack and he had to have stents put in I'll always have the fear what happens if he has another one there was no sign he didn't know he had a heart attack it can just happen and I  will always fear that being that close to losing him scared me and after his heart surgery I thought everything was okay but several months after that my dad had seemed weak and we kept constantly asking him what was wrong but he said he felt fine until one night he come in the kitchen to get dinner that I had made and he was beside the kitchen table and he suddenly just started screaming call 911 over and over again and I didn't know what to do I just grabbed my phone and I called 911 and I told them everything and my brother and sister had to sit him on the couch because his legs had clapped he was going in and out of consciousness I've never seen my father like that before it scared me I thought I was going to lose him the rescue squad come and took him away and me and my two sisters went to the hospital they run so many tests on him and they were having trouble finding what was wrong they did blood work and found out that he was anemic and because I have hemophobia the fear of blood I knew it meant that he was losing blood from somewhere and that scared me because the one thing I feared so much could take my father away from me he was admitted into the hospital  and stayed overnight and had to have transfusions and they had to find where he was losing blood from my dad was in the hospital for a long time and things just kept getting worse but we found out he had an ulcer in his throat I was afraid because that's what took my grandfather away from me and they thought it could be cancer me and my family fear cancer so much because it took my grandmother's life then they did a CAT scan and they found that he had abnormal growths on his kidneys and once again they figured that those could be cancer they think that the blood was coming from the ulcer in his throat they gave him medicine to get rid of it and a couple days after that he was released and he had to have kidney surgery to remove the abnormal growth on his kidney my dad was afraid all the days up to his surgery we talked so much he told me things he never expressed he told me how he was so scared when I had my surgery and this time he's the one going underneath the knife and I have to sit aside and worry I feel as though this is something we had to go through Because this experience with my father it made me feel closer to him closer than we've ever been the surgery was a success but it was the things that happened after that was the most struggle to go through after the surgery my dad's stomach was paralyzed so his body was not digesting food because of that he was not able to come home when he was supposed to and they had to put a tube down his nose to suck the food out of his stomach being stuck in that hospital made my dad so sad it made me see his pain the pain he had kept hidden the Pain he did not express but not just his pain his affection his love I would go to the hospital and we would hold hands and he would just tell me how he miss me and he just wanted to be home and how he loves me so much when he expressed this pain and sadness to me it scared me because I was afraid he was going to that place that place I was stuck that place I couldn't get out of the place I let her consume me after my surgery my Anxiety I let her drive into depression and I did not want my father to experience the same I do not want him to know that dark place I just wanted to take him home but there was nothing I can do I couldn't make him better I just wanted him home my father is better now he's had the surgery and he healed if we did not go through this hard time together I don't think me and my father would be close even though what we went through was hard I'm glad I got to see a side of my father that he never reveal to me