warning Lots of death mentioned in this chapter read it at your own discretion

The ones I've lost the ones we lose takes a part of us not just from our hearts but from our souls it breaks us it makes us suffer to lose someone to death is the worst pain we cry to we have no tears we grieve because we can not heal from the pain we will always feel to lose someone is to lose a piece of yourself

The ones I've lost I've lost so many I'm not just humans but animals because to me animals are family too the first person to death took away from me was my grandfatherI will not go into details of his death because I wrote about that in previous episode the second person death took away from me was my grandmother she was everything to me I wanted to grow up to be just like her strong independent woman who take shit from anyone she cuss like a sailor but that made me love her even more because she would say whatever she wanted to My grandmother had uterine cancer and she had surgery for that and we thought that she would never have cancer again I'm going to unfortunately cancer took her life my grandmother started losing weight drastically we didn't know what was wrong with her we had to make her go to the doctor and they did a scan and they found out that she had growth on her lung she became very sick very fast she started having chemo because the growth had grown to the size of a grapefruit because of chemo she had to have blood transfusions because I made her become anemic I remember waking up in the morning and how can I get dressed for every doctor's appointment every treatment came out but my sister that I was the closest to went with her to every doctor's appointment it was hard for her it was hard for all of us I remember that when I would hug her or pick her up by grabbing her I could feel the cancer growth because of that I became afraid to touch her I don't understand why I guess I was scared of hurting me and my brother got on the closest to you we take turns taking care of her in the morning when I was taking care of her he sleep when he was taking care of her I'd sleep that's how we did things I remember the day of her death my sister's for going out with her friend and they wouldn't let me come home so I got angry and I argued with it was the stupidest thing honestly I still regret it so because I was stupid 11 year old child I cry and then I went to bed the last thing I said to my grandmother was good night I love you I left my brother to take care of her he was playing video games the last thing I remember was waking up to my mother holding my clothes and shoes and she told me your grandmother's gone no I said what do you mean and she said your grandmother died she died in your sisters and my arms I got dressed as fast as I could because I just couldn't believe what she said I couldn't believe that my grandmother was dead my mother put down the blanket that the rescue squad body and showed her to me I will never forget the way her Face look scared terrified but my brothers and sisters took me outside or they had sit out chairs and our friends and her mother was there I sat down and I just felt nothing I was just in shock I was numb my Face felt wet and I didn't understand why I didn't understand my sister came to me and tried to talk to me and I couldn't say anything she took a tissue and liked my face I need to breathe I needed to be by myself so I went to our backyard and I just walked in circles and I try to understand I tried to let it sinking but it wasn't until I went back to the front yard and I saw the funeral home taking her body that I realized that she was really gone that she was really dead that death had taken her from me we had to get up at next morning can go see her brother my great uncle and tell him that his sister had died are so much I was close to my great uncle he had lived with us since my grandfather died but he started to have seizures and he had to have a heart transplant and he had fluid in his lunges before so he was now living at a rest home we would go visit him every day we could but to have to tell him that his sister had died was terrible I believe that it really broke him because a couple months after her death he had got sick and had to be moved to a hospital he got an infection in his body and then he had fluid in his lungs again we were waiting news of when he would be able to be moved when we would be able to visit him the phone call that we got was in the one we wanted we had gotten a call in the middle of the night to tell us that he died and again I lost another person to death so we went to the hospital and we saw his body so when we for leaving the nurse approach me ask me my name I told her that was me I am she told me that she had something he wanted her to give me it was the ring he had always one I always have attachment to that thing that I always asked him questions about it so I took doing home with me and it became my keepsake the last thing I had from him I was very involved in his funeral arrangements but we are not taking care of the channel it was the other side of the family we would have meetings and debates what he wanted they wanted him to be buried but I knew he wanted to be cremated but of course they wouldn't believe a child but they didn't take care of him they didn't live with him I did but they ended up agreeing to have him cremated and everything or settle and they agreed to give me some of his ashes unfortunately at the funeral some family members started to ask about his ring that he had always worn the one that did wanted to pawn it and I would never let that happen so we lied the priest that was doing the service made a speech about me which I did not know about until it was already happening I was in tears I didn't want the attention I didn't want all the eyes on me I felt like the other side of the family was jealous jealous that of their grandkids didn't get his affection like that I felt like I did something wrong but I did nothing wrong I took care of him I was there so much to me and I love him so much and I hope he's at peace now then there's the death of my cat I love him so much he is there for me through so much losing him was truly hardI just thought he would always be there for me no matter what I went through no matter what I lost I just thought I'd still have him watching him die and watching him suffer in pain I truly just wanted to make in better I loved him and I didn't want to lose him but death took him away from me like he always does he always takes things from me my cat I was a mess I cried and cried I can't stop that's all I did for weeks and weeks I dreamed of him I couldn't stop thinking about him my cat's death really affected me I moved on and got through it sometimes I still dream about him and I still cry about him he will forever be my little kitty and he will always have a place in my heart