Esther thought of money. An evening hour of calculations and scribbling on a blank sheet of paper led her to the conclusion that she needed to sell the apartment back in the city if she were to support herself. That would keep her afloat until she found something to do with her life.
Her heart though, wavered. The apartment, although small and crated inside a gritty building, was still the place where she’d spent her years after separation from Peter. The paint peeled. It smelled musty. Now and then, a rat showed up, clambering into her kitchen through the rusty pipes clinging to the damp walls of the building, but it was the place that had housed her, which she had bought with her own hard earned money. And now, she had to let go of that. Another precious part ripped out of her.
A rash of shame reddened her face. She was back to being Bethany’s helpless granddaughter again, she was back to where she had started. Empty handed. Only now, there were no dreams and an even greater uncertainty lay ahead.
She folded her arms over the pillows and buried her face in the pocket of velvet darkness. Around her, the night was silent and inky. It dripped along the branches and needles of the pines and into the veins of the earth, pooling under houses, beneath the gabled roofs, behind eyelids and inside hearts. Now and then, a sprinkle of snow fell past the glass, catching a glimmer of light from the lamp left on the table. As she watched the flakes drift and twirl, sleep slowly weighed down her eyelids.
From the dark rose a moon of a face. Round, boyish. It had craters. Pink craters that she knew she had touched and stroked and loved as the rest of him. He spoke to her in that dream language where nothing was voiced but it was understood. Then he drifted towards the woods, turning faint and translucent, waxing and waning, and she was a slip of a girl again, her face dotted, her hair bright red and braided, her heart unblemished-- running though the woods, reaching for him. As he grew fainter and distant though, her breath shallowed. The sky was glass and she was trapped beneath it. Deep ruts in the ground twisted, stretching and distorting into snakes. The top of the pines bent to peer at her, to see who it was that dared to disturb their centuries old silence.
The woods sang. A low, continuous whine that filled her head even when she crouched down and covered her ears with the heels of her palm, unable to find her way out of that storm of brilliant green and white.
Esther sat upright in bed, her skin rippling and damp with sweat. But it wasn’t the cold that had woken her up. A howl had cleaved the quiet of the night and strung her out of dreams. It rose in a single call that set her heart hammering in her chest. And it was close. Close enough to be heard loud and clear. Her feet slapping the cold hard floor, she darted to the window and flung it open. Her gaze flew towards the sky, at the gibbous moon peeking over the tops of the pines, then fell to the earth, at the clasped gate and two pieces of stars gleaming on the snow. Yellow-green and bright. They turned up at her and fixed themselves in her eyes.
The wolf with his raised head, stared at her.
Between them snow fell, drifting like feathers torn off an angel.
She clutched the curtains and slowly slid behind them. Perhaps unable to see her, he lingered around, his glowing eyes still hooked to her window. She thought of guns that hung on the walls of the cottages in Pine Haven. She thought of Johnny shooting a bloody void in a buck’s warm neck. She thought of hot blood steaming on the snow. She peeked out again. Then waved her hand, motioning him to leave, to return back to his forest and stay there. He would not go. His paws planted in the snow, he remained frozen against the dark blue and green of the night, looking at her.
Esther shut the window and latched it. Then she sat down in a chair, brimming with uneasiness and worry but also with newfound curiosity. Unable to resist, she rose again after a few minutes and stole a look through the glass. The wolf was still there.
“What do you want from me?”she said, her breath warming the frosted pane.
Spotting her at the window again, he ringed the fence and the gate, sauntering slowly, the silver of his fur gleaming. She turned away and climbed into her bed, resettling back into the dip of the mattress where she had lain a while ago.
Then she rose and put on her jacket and boots.
Her footsteps quiet and soft, she melted into the shadows of the house and moved along the hallway, down the stairs and into the drawing room. There, a fire burned low and dim. The oldest dog who was a little hard of hearing was curled upon the carpet, covered with a knitted rug. The other three though, were pacing at the door restlessly. Their ears drawn back, unsure. She tried to usher them back to the fireplace so they would not wake Bethany with their whines and yips, but they eyed her with open hesitation, refusing to back away. She glanced at the door. A string passed from her to that wolf, drawn taut, pulling hard at her ribs.
“Don’t follow me,”Esther said, and pulled open the door with an urgency she could not understand. She pushed back the dog trying to tail her and shut the door. For a moment, she heard scratching and scrambling, then they quietened. A curtain of silence draped around her. Up ahead, the wolf was there, still and unmoving. An owl hooted somewhere far into the dark.
“I must be mad,”she whispered, as her boots crunched the snow beneath.
She placed her hand on the wooden gate, stepped out and crouched in front of him. Up above, the milky way was a wound in the sky, spilling stars, leaking colors. The darkness on earth though, was untouched.
The wolf drew closer and rested his head on her shoulder. She froze up, her heart tubing inside the hollow of her chest, opening and closing, pouring out blood, and then a warmth that rushed through her. She passed her hand over his fur, gently stroking his head and the ears that twitched now and then. The fur on his neck was stiff and muddied, and smelled of the wild, of life.
“Why are you here?”
He gave off a huff of breath.
“I don’t know what you are looking for, but they will kill you.”She pulled away and looked into the faded brown of his eyes. She thought she spotted a flicker of understanding.
“Leave now,”she breathed. “Go.”
She stood up and opened the gate, trying not to let it creak too loud. Then she got in and quickly clasped it shut. He could’ve easily pounced upon the fence, but he didn’t. He stepped after her and pressed his nose to the wooden bars as if in goodbye, then left, leaping through the waves of white and into the froth of green. Esther watched him in silence for a moment, a tender corner of her heart touched, then went inside the house.
Morning came mild and glittering. Birds chirped on the naked, dry branches. A squirrel shook off the snow clinging to her brown fur and ducked back inside the hole in the trunk. Esther dressed for the day and went downstairs, her mind far away from the financial complications and dwelling instead on the strange appearances of the wolf. She was about to enter the kitchen, when she heard a hushed, quivering voice spill from within. It was Bethany’s.
“Esther needs to leave as soon as possible,”she said. “I can’t have her here.”
A voice she recognized as Johnny’s, replied, “Speak to her then. That’s for the best.”
“Don’t be silly. You know I cannot do that.”
“I don’t see another way.”
A chair scraped against the floor and creaked heavily. Footfalls pounded the hard wood. They were drawing closer. Straightening herself, Esther entered the kitchen with a lowered gaze. Johnny stopped short in his path, inches away from colliding with her. Behind him, Bethany swept a hand over her apron.
“Morning, Johnny,”Esther said, glancing at his eyes, searching. “Lova sent some onions again?”
He gave her a small smile but the wrinkles around his eyes did not crease up as they always did. “I can’t come here without a special reason?”
Esther moved to the counter, ignoring Bethany’s rain colored eyes turned upon her in question. She fetched herself some tea from the pot.“I think I’ll look for a job. There must be something I can do around here.”
“No one wants an advertisement written for their chickens,”Bethany said. “Hold the pot properly. What’s wrong with your hand?”
“I can do things other than writing.”
“Did you hurt your finger?”
“It’s been ages.” Esther took the cup and held it to her lips, inhaling the scent of lemongrass. “Johnny, where can I find employment here?”
Johnny scratched the dents in his forehead. In the sunshine that fell in through the window, the thick hair on his arm shone golden. He spoke quietly, “Come, let’s go for a walk.”
“You heard us,”Johnny said, as they left the gate together. It creaked, its old joints barely managing to swing the door open. Esther glanced at the spot where the wolf had treaded the night before.
“I must really be unpleasant. Everyone wants me gone.”
“It’s not that.”
“Look, I can’t go back. I--I’ll pay the rent and the expenses.”
“This isn’t about money either.”
“Then what is it?”
“Bethany thinks Pine Haven is not good for you, that’s all.”
“Since when? I remember her sulking when I was leaving and now--”
“It was different then but not anymore,”he said, with an edge of sharpness that astonished Esther. She slowed her steps and looked at Johnny, but he kept walking at the same pace, his hands balled into his pockets, forming clumps on the jacket. She frowned.
“I’m still going to stay in Pine Haven,”she called, halting. “If not at Grandma’s place, then someplace else. I won’t leave anymore. I’ve had enough of running and looking, you hear me? I’m tired.”
“Then do us all a favor,”he glanced back, his eyes full of a bottomless dark. “Don’t loiter into the woods ever again.”
A shadow of understanding passed through her mind but did not seep deep enough to make sense. “Why?”
Johnny did not explain. His shoulders wide and cold, he trudged up the path. She rushed up to him and caught his sleeve, giving it a sharp tug. “I asked why.”
“It’s not for you to know,”he said, looking down at her with that same knife-like sharpness. “And if you care about your people here, you will listen to me and your Grandma. We welcomed you back. Don’t make things difficult for us. If you do, we’ll have no other way but to send you back.”
Esther dropped her hand, her face flushed and hot. He looked at her for a moment, then left.
In silence, she returned to the cottage and went upstairs to her room. Through the window, she saw the woods that stretched far and wide. They held secrets in the rings of their trunks. They housed that strange wolf. She could not keep away from them. She needed to know the woods, their secrets and the wolf, as well as the truth that was being curtained from her.
She could not leave Pine Haven.
Comments (0)
See all