Dear Rosey,
I really like spending quality time with you. What I mean is it’s really easy for me to relax and be myself around you. It’s like for the first time in my whole life I feel normal. I am acting like a normal person and enjoying normal things. Thank you for letting me feel this way, you don’t know what it means to me.
Let me start by telling you I’ve never really had anyone my age to sort of bond with and just do normal teenager stuff. It’s always been just me, all by myself, alone. If I wanted to go to the movies, I’d go alone. If I wanted to try this cool new restaurant in town, I’d be there alone. Wanted to binge watch a show, I’d watch it alone, which is totally not unnormal, but I’ve never had anyone to geek out with. I just sort of geeked out alone.
Sure, I have my dad, but as you can probably tell by now he and I aren’t exactly the closest. The less time I have to spend being stared at and scrutinized by him the better. Still, it makes for a lonely life.
Shopping for clothes, alone.
Dr. appointments, alone.
Holidays, alone.
My dad used to always opt to work the holidays after he and my mom got divorced, which meant I was home alone watching whatever holiday special marathon was on. I swear I’ve seen almost every hallmark Christmas movie, it is like one of my proudest achievements.
I think you get the picture, I’m used to doing things alone. Which is why when I started my usual cleaning ritual for the house on the weekend I didn’t tell you or Melissa. You see you two have been living at the house for a few weeks now and I’m sure by now you have noticed my strange habits, one being my cleaning ritual. I always figured my dad would explain it to you eventually.
You see the cleaning ritual started the first time I was Zara grounded back when I was 13. I sort of went ballistic and destroyed everything in the house, my dad was broken he cried for like a whole night. I felt awful. To punish me he made me clean the whole house alone. He made me put everything in a certain order, it all had to be spic and span. Not a smudge or a mark in sight. If there was, I would have to start all over. It took me a month to get it right. Anyways that moment is kind of burned in my brain so now every time I clean, to please my dad, I go into like military cleaning mode and really get into it. I know I look creepy when I do it.
I have to move all of the furniture outside and remove anything that could obscure me from getting into a corner or spot. I have to start early to be done by the end of the day. This time I wanted to do it more right than usual if that makes sense. Because I destroyed my room I knew I had to make up for it by making it look like we just moved into a brand new house all over again, minus the boxes and clutter.
I was midway through cleaning the living room when Melissa interrupted me. she scared me because I had my headphones on with my music blaring in my ears. It was only nine in the morning.
“Huh?” I removed my headphones.
“Zara what are you doing?” She looked around confused as to what happened to all the living room furniture.
“Cleaning.” I raised an eyebrow.
“Where’s all our stuff?”
“Outside in the front.”
“This is a bit much don’t you think, I’m sure it’s clean enough.”
“Uh, Melissa no offense but this isn’t even close to clean, I still have so much to do. I sort of have a system. Just try to stay out of my way.” I put my headphones back on and resumed vacuuming the crack between the wall and the carpet.
I know I was rude, but she was seriously delaying me if I wanted to get done by five o’clock. She just watched in awe as I shampooed the carpet and wiped down the walls. I moved the furniture back to its proper place with the help of some household tools like Dollys and what not. Of course, I cleaned the furniture before I moved it back in.
Next was the Kitchen.
“All the furniture, I tried to talk to her—” I heard Melissa say as my music broke to get ready for the next song.
I removed my headphones and looked up at her as I was removing all of the dishes from the cabinet. She was on the phone with my dad.
“Every time? That’s a bit much don’t you think Adrian?” she noticed I was watching her now.
“It’s fine, I’ll be done by five.” I frowned.
She frowned back and walked to the other room to finish the conversation. I’ll admit I was a bit irked. Still, I wasn’t going to let Melissa stop me from completing my task. That is until you snuck up behind me.
“What are you doing?”
“Christ!” I flinched so hard I nearly dropped a plate.
“Sorry, what is all this?” you asked.
“I’m cleaning god what is with you two never seen anyone clean a house before?” I snapped.
“Not like this, it takes clean freak to a whole new level.”
I just rolled my eyes and continued moving the plates.
“So, you do this every time?”
“Yeah, at least once a week. You and your mom haven’t noticed because Y'all always go out on the weekend.”
“Yeah, we call it our mother-daughter bonding time. It’s sort of mandatory, she was going to ask you to come today, but it looks like you’re busy.” You sighed sitting on the counter.
I didn’t answer you because your mom walked back in.
“Zara, he wants to talk to you.” She handed me the phone.
“Yes sir?” I answered.
“Zara you don’t have to clean the house this weekend, why don’t you relax and go out with Melissa she wants to bond with you. Just put everything back, we don’t have to do that anymore.” he sounded like he was trying to be sincere, but it came off as fake.
“But dad I’m grounded, plus I always clean the house like this. You said---”
“I know what I said, listen to me now. Things are going to be different with Melissa. You acting like this makes her uncomfortable. Why don’t just go out and enjoy yourself.”
“So what I’m just supposed to change everything about myself because it makes her uncomfortable?”
“Zara just listen to me, put everything back. Go get dressed and go have a good time.”
“No I can’t just stop I’ve already started I can work fast I can finish in a few hours.”
“Zara Rianne Scottsdale do I as I say. That is the end of it. If I hear a bad report of you, you will be hearing from me got it.”
“But—”
“Got it?”
“Yes sir.”
Then I hung up and shoved the phone back at Melissa. I could feel the anger boiling in me already, the rage clawing at my insides begging to get out. I had to get a grip, so I continued cleaning the kitchen.
“Zara.” Melissa tried.
“Just let me finish the kitchen okay?” I snapped.
“It’s okay sweaty you don’t have to do this anymore. we can go out and---”
“It will only take me an hour, I’ll work fast and---”
“I can put everything up why don’t you just go upstairs and get dressed and we can have some Mom, daughter bonding time.”
I threw a plate against the wall. You both jumped. I had to do something to get the anger out or I was going to snap. So I threw another, and another.
“Zara stop it.”
“You’re not my mom! You can’t just change me. It will only take an hour and I’ll be fast. I promise I’ll go just let me finish the kitchen.” I don’t know why I was crying I just was.
I also don’t know why I was making a big deal about it, I mean I hate cleaning. I also wanted to change, but your mom pushing me like that, she just pushed me a little too fast and a little too hard out of my comfort zone.
“Okay, okay why don’t you just finish the kitchen while we go get ready.” She held up her hands in surrender.
I bent down to pick up all the glass. My hands were shaking from the rage.
“Please don’t tell my dad. I’ll go, just don’t tell him.” I started sobbing.
I could already hear him yelling at me, accusing me of being too dangerous to keep around Melissa. The or else threat still lingering in my mind. I didn’t want that.
In my haste to pick up the glass, I cut myself.
“Here let me help you.” You moved to help me.
“Rose.” Your mom called to stop you from moving any closer.
She was afraid of me, afraid I was going to hurt you. I felt myself snap on the inside. I just started wailing and crying, covering my ears to block out my own sobs. Blood was getting everywhere. Sometimes I get like this, I don’t know why, I don’t know what triggers it, it just happens. I just hate myself so much, so much anger inside of me. When I get like that I find it’s best to stay away from me, I am prone to lashing out at whatever and whoever is around me.
When I get like that sometimes I hear every horrible thing that’s ever been said to me or about me. It’s like a nightmare playlist on repeat in my head. I just want to hurt something, for someone to feel what I am feeling.
For future reference, the episodes only happen either right before I take my medication, or right when the medication wears off. That is when I am most likely to have a fit like that. On the weekends I don’t take my medication till around 10:30 AM in the morning.
The sound of my phone alarm going off for my medication is what snapped me out of it. You and your mom were staring at me in horror. I scared you both. I just jumped up and ran to the medicine cabinet, pulling out my medicine and shaking a couple of pills in my bloody hand. I swallowed them dry.
Then I just slide down on the floor where I stood waiting for the medicine to kick in, waiting for the monster in me to go back to sleep. I had to do the breathing exercises right there in front of you. I had to hold my head to stop the buzzing of anger from spreading any further. To be honest I didn’t even feel the pain in my hand. It was only after my alarm repeated itself for the sixth time did I feel I had a handle on myself. So, I moved to grab my phone and dismissed the alarm.
“I’m sorry.” My voice was small, I felt ashamed for letting you see that side of me.
“It’s okay.” You said.
I just shook my head no because I know there is something wrong with me. I know acting like that is not normal, it’s not okay. The last thing I wanted was to scare you.
“Come here,” Melissa said wrapping her arms around me and forcing my head to her chest.
“I’m sorry,” I said again.
“It’s okay, I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have pushed you,” She said into my hair.
I started crying again, because I felt ashamed about what I had just done, but more than that I felt relief that the anger was out, that I didn’t have to hold it in anymore. Getting all that anger out really does take a toll on me, I always feel tired after.
“Why don’t you go cool off, take a shower and Rosey and I can clean up this mess,” she said.
“I can help, I can clean it.” I tried.
“It’s okay Zara, go cool off.”
So, I nodded and went upstairs. It was only then that I saw how badly I cut myself. It wasn’t a normal cut either, I can tell I probably got it from squeezing the glass too hard.
When I came back down after being freshly showered and after having wrapped my hand the kitchen was clean. As if nothing had ever happened. I felt relieved.
“Ready to get going?” Melissa said coming downstairs.
I nodded.
“I call shotgun.” You said racing out the door.
You were both acting like nothing happened like I was one of you and not a freak. That made me feel warm inside.
“Zara what exactly do you have if you don’t mind me asking.” You turned in your seat to look at me, we had barely pulled out of our subdivision.
“Rose.” Melissa chastised.
“It’s okay. It’s called Intermittent Explosive Disorder, or IED. There really isn’t a way to make it go away, but it can be managed with medication and therapy. The doctors say that eventually I will either grow out of it or it will turn into something worse.”
“Oh.”
“Sorry about before, I didn’t mean to scare anyone. I only get episodes that bad when I either haven’t taken my medication yet or right after it wears off. I understand if you have to tell my dad.”
“It’s alright Zara really, I understand you can’t control yourself. I don’t think your dad has to know about this little incident, so long as you promise not to tell him I’m about spend 60$ on some pie.” Melissa winked at me through the rear-view mirror.
“Deal.” I giggled.
Then we were at the house of pies, the best pie shop ever. We each got our own pie and then we picked off of each other. That was probably the most normal thing I’ve done in a long time.
“So, Rosey any word form Beck?” Melissa asked.
“No mom I told you we’re over, really. I’m done with him,” you grumbled stabbing into your banana cream pie.
“I still don’t get why you broke up with him, you two worked so well together.” She whined.
I looked to you then, because I distinctly remember you telling me that he broke up with you. I remember your whole story about how he said he found someone else about how the two of you had been drifting apart. I doubted he was real, but now I am starting to doubt if you were lying to me about who broke up with who.
You met my eyes and I can tell that you knew you were busted. Your face got really red.
“Can we talk about something else, like when is your wedding going to be.” You snapped at your mom.
“Well, we decided on a Summer wedding, something on the beach. What do you two think?”
“The beach really?” You raised an eyebrow.
“What’s wrong with the beach?”
“What about your dress, there will be sand everywhere.” You countered.
“Well he proposed to me on the beach, it has sentimental value. Back me up, Zara.”
The beach had sentimental value alright, but not because my dad proposed to your mom, but because that was where we kissed.
“I don’t know, what if it rains, or a bird poops on you,” I added.
“What you too?”
You and I shared a look of understanding.
“Mom face it, not only is the beach cliché, but it’s a total disaster. I say we have the wedding in one of the places you rent out, under starlight. Live orchestra.” You sighed.
“Okay, the beach isn’t sounding so bad now.” I laughed.
“Hey, I think it’s romantic.”
“Sounds over the top.” I shrugged.
“Well, now I have to rethink my whole game plan.” Melissa sighed, shoving the last bite of chocolate pie in her mouth.
“My dad is a sucker for tradition, I say you should have a traditional wedding.”
“Hmm, you think so?”
“But we don’t even go to church.” You frowned.
“There are places you can rent out. Plus, my dad is a religious type, if he didn’t work the Sunday morning shift we would probably be in church. We used to go when I was younger.”
“Did you now? Well, he never told me about that.” Melissa had a devious smile on her lips.
“Now you have leverage on him,” I smirked.
“What else can you tell me, I want all the leverage I can get.” She leaned in.
You giggled.
“Well, you know that old motorcycle he keeps in the garage and says he will fix one day. Well, he actually doesn’t know how he just keeps it for looks to show off to his friends. Oh, and behind the bible on the bookshelf if his copy of the complete series FRIENDS, he is minorly obsessed with it. Those quotes he claims are "original" come from there.” I shoved a spoonful of apple pie in my mouth.
You both burst out laughing then. The warm feeling was back, and I smiled. I think I really needed some girl time. It felt good to be normal for once.
Comments (6)
See all