Read Alien Fiction: Xenonomicon ( NaNoWriMo ) :: Abby's Hope

The aliens return to their theater of the mind for another roasting of a fellow Tapas novel. This selection comes from the remarkable novel about adventures in PTSD coping, Abby's Hope. It was generously provided by the series' author, Minerrale. I provided the unedited selection at the beginning of this episode, because I did a lot of interrupting this somewhat short piece of text. I decided that an uninterrupted copy was required in order for a reader to easily follow the action. The satirized version begins towards the middle of this episode.

"The first day on set" by Minerrale

“All right everyone, please find yourself a spot and pay attention for the next 5 minutes. I won't be long. All of you have received the script and know their part? Yes? Good. Today we're not going to film, but to get ready. First, one last check with our dear therapists to make sure everything is alright. Then, costume testing. If any of need adjustments please come to me ASAP. You will have to get used to wearing makeup as well, and to have it done by someone else. If you're not comfortable with that, please say so.”

I was not comfortable with that, and I had said so, but Abby felt that it was best to have a professional for our makeup as well as for everything else. I would do it myself, though. I don't want a stranger with a pointy thing anywhere near my eyes. But we had a makeup artist among us for those who didn't have a problem with that, and she was very good at her job.

“You are encouraged to look around and get accustomed to the place and the set, but don't go too far. You are all precious for us, and we don't want to lose you in the forest! We will gather again for lunch, in full attire, and practice for the first scene in the afternoon. In the meantime try to enjoy yourselves!”

Damn I'm so bad at this. Reassuring people and putting them in a good and relaxed mood. How do you do that when you are so scared yourself?

Oh no. Second thoughts. Really, brain? You want to do that now? When there is absolutely no possibility of going back? This is the moment you chose to show me every single thing that can go wrong, and not even one scenario where we have a chance of succeeding? Brain, you're fired. I don't want to work with you anymore.

My work wasn't done here yet, I had to meet with the sound technicians, the cameramen, the special effects team, our vet assistant for advice about the rats, and the American team-leader who had the same role as mine. Except that he had chosen to do that, while I had been dragged into by my two worst/best friends.

All right, I admit, I had let them drag me into it. And more than that, I found this adventure rather exciting after all. Sure, it had been hard and will get even harder, but it's not everyday you get to do something big, right?

Time to greet the American team-leader and check if everything is okay on their side. I really hope it is…

“Hey Gary! How is everything going?”

Not fine, apparently. They had a last-minute desertion. One actress had to stay in the US to look after her brother, who had fallen sick and was currently hospitalized.

“I'm sorry M., but we won't be able to film without her. She was supposed to play the main character…

Oh damn. Of course it had to be the main character. Quick, M., think, use that brain of your that you fired just moments ago. You need a solution, and you need it now. And you know exactly what to do, don't you?

“Oh well, my accent isn't perfect and my acting might not be as good as hers, but… If we don't find another girl to do it by noon, I'll take the part...”

Satirists in Space

“All right everyone, please find yourself a spot and pay attention for the next 5 minutes.”

Shiva said, "My spot for what? Are we playing point defense or zone defense?"

Odin sighed and then answered, "We're reviewing another chapter of Tapas novel."

Isis told them, "This is from Abby's Hope by Minerrale."

Odin asked, "Is this adapted from the BBC drama, Hope's Abbey?"

Shiva said, "Another riff! Do we even try to make our own books interesting anymore? Must we tear down the labors and artistry of others?"

Odin said, "For me, it's a hostile projection of my own inadequacies."

Isis said, "I hear this book has mice."

Shiva decided to join. "Move over, I want to document Odin's inadequacies."

I won't be long.

Isis yelled, "That's what he said!"

All of you have received the script and know their part? Yes? Good. Today we're not going to film, but to get ready.

Isis said, "Groovy, they're making a mOooOovie."

First, one last check with our dear therapists to make sure everything is alright. Then, costume testing. If any of need adjustments please come to me ASAP.

Odin said, "You missed a comma. 'please come to me, a sap.' There, I fixed it for you."

You will have to get used to wearing makeup as well, and to have it done by someone else. If you're not comfortable with that, please say so.”

Isis sang, "If you're uncomfortable, and you know it, stomp your feet."

Shiva said, "You have a choice of two makeup artists today, Bozo or Cookie."

Damn I'm so bad at this. Reassuring people and putting them in a good and relaxed mood. How do you do that when you are so scared yourself?

Shiva said, "I calm my nerves with senseless destruction. Sometimes I play a ukelele instead."

Odin observed, "Oh, is that a touch of schizophrenia? Now, I'm interested."

Isis scolded, "Hush you, a girl can have a fight with her brain and make up later. It's a female prerogative."

Isis said, "Do the rats get little costumes and makeup too?"

Odin said, "I don't think that the fighting with ones own brain is an exclusively female thing. Shiva, do you ever fight with your brain?"

Shiva said, "Not anymore, it's too well armed."

Time to greet the American team-leader and check if everything is okay on their side. I really hope it is…

“Hey Gary! How is everything going?”

Odin said, "No, the traditional greeting of Americans is 'Howdy Pardna, your cheeseburgers or yer life.'"

Shiva said, “Murica!”

Not fine, apparently. They had a last-minute desertion. One actress had to stay in the US to look after her brother, who had fallen sick and was currently hospitalized.

Shiva said, "In an American hospital? He's dead."

Isis said, "Murica!"

“I'm sorry M., but we won't be able to film without her. She was supposed to play the main character…

Isis said, "Solution – film in the hospital. The brother can play the vegetable garden."

Shiva said, "Solution – bomb the hospital. Save yourself a special effects budget."

Oh damn. Of course it had to be the main character. Quick, M., think, use that brain of yours that you fired just moments ago.

Isis turned and said, "Odin, use your brain to find a solution."

Odin said, "Put a rat in the main character's costume."

Isis said, "Ooh, I like it."

Shiva said, "That's how Fievel Goes West got made. It was originally going to star Jackie Chan."

You need a solution, and you need it now.

Odin said, "I choose you, brain!"

Shiva said, "The brain refuses because of the insult to its honor. Now she and her brain must fight a sword duel at dawn."

And you know exactly what to do, don't you?

Isis coaxed, "Come on, rat in a dress. Say it."

“Oh well, my accent isn't perfect and my acting might not be as good as hers, but... If we don't find another girl to do it by noon,

Isis said, "Raaaat in a dreeeeess."

I'll take the part...”

"Nooo!" cried Isis.

Odin said, "She did choose the most practical option. It might not be the best for the movie, but it is best for this novel. It advances the plot and challenges the protagonist much better. It's actually a good plot twist that fuels the internal conflict."

Isis pouted, "I wanted to see a rat in the dress."

Shiva pouted, "I want to see a rat in a Gundam Mobile Suit. We were not consulted."