Ah...my dearest Licorice. Where to start? I met her in high school at the same time as Dennise. She was my best friend, someone I trusted with everything. From first to second grade she never judged me in my worst moments. When I cried, laughed, had crazy ideas, she would be right there by my side. Thanks to her I drew more things just in order to see her happy.

Now...I had been crushing on her for a while. But did not dare to reveal it, afraid she would be standoffish or something. Honestly, it was hard not to fall for her. Pretty brown eyes, lustrous dark hair, the face of a Japanese doll, great creativity, heart of a lion and strength beyond compare. She defended all she cared for, she actually yelled at the creepy stalkers in my school.

That’s when it happened. The start of my second semester I told her if we were and anime we would be shipped (imagined as a couple) together, she agreed...from then on I called her my wife.

Fourth semester I had a boyfriend, Licorice started to act possessive and weird. Honestly, she would pull me into her seat to avoid me from escorting him to his classroom. She held me close and I dealt my heart about to burst. I started to imagine her with me. In February I fantasized of giving her roses and gifts, it was insane! How was I supposed to celebrate valentines on Friday if I was like this?

My boyfriend's kiss did not feel right. And when I imagined her instead of him...I knew I had to end this. And so I did.

The 14th of February, a Saturday, I confessed to her my love. Took her two weeks to accept. I couldn’t be more elated.

Licorice called herself my hatter, and she called me her Alice. We were together all the time. I would never miss a chance to sit with her and talk, or just be hugged by her while she drew in her notebook.

Licorice turned into my own little obsession, I did all I could to please her…

I wanted to see her radiant true smile every day.

At the start all was perfect, all though she did not kiss my lips, she did my forehead, and I her cheek. I was the only one with such a privilege, the only one she wouldn’t ever push away when I hugged her.

One day, she met a guy who looked like a character she loved. We decided to break it off. It lasted a week. She went to the anime convention in our city without me. I told her she wasn’t my wife anymore. I had stopped going to visit her classroom because it hurt to see her and I needed to heal. She cared less...for the morning after the weekend's’ convention she received me at the front door with gifts to me and crying because I wasn’t going to call her my wife. It hurt and confused me to see her like that. Then...we talked, she came back to me. Seemed the boy hadn’t been anything compared to me, or so she made me believe. I accepted her coming back.

And then it happened, she broke up with me the second time giving me a kiss on the lips. Yet, I knew she still felt something for me. I stupidly desired to fight and get her back.

I did. Yet...the results were worse than I thought.

She became distant, barely paying me attention. But I was requested by her to always send her messages even if she wasn’t online. I obeyed. Everything she asked I did. Frightened that she would leave me again.

She did. By September she did.

This time, I did not stop visiting her because I did not want to harm her…

What did she do?

Treat me as if we hadn’t broken up, look at me yearningly to the point it was hard to resist. Like a magnet...I came back.

She was my complete opposites, loud mouthed, rude, firm, indecisive when it came to love. She never seemed to know what she wanted.

But for her I would have stayed in wonderland.

I didn’t though.

Oh my darling Licorice never noticed how isolated I got. How much my devotion for her had consumed me, to the point her approval haunted my mind, wishing to make her happy, free her from her demons. All I could do was offer her my art and stories as gifts.

Every time I was out I tried to find something for her.

We broke up many times...once I had tried to move on. I couldn’t because she wailed and cried when she found out. I ended my plan that instant. I became dependent of her. Licorice was my source of happiness.

She drove me insane, limiting kisses she gave my lips. I was lucky if I got one a month or an answer in a few hours. My hatter was my priority along with school.

I was diagnosed with depression on fifth semester.

Everything went downhill. Not only had she turned extremely cold, I had turned into her pet. Hell! Her dog was treated better than I was! And I was supposed to be her lover! I was lucky if she even brushed my hair or stroked it. If she held my hand it was every 100 days.

It hurt.

And when trouble started to come to me due medicine...she wasn’t there. I had to go the the nurse's office because I was having a racing heart and a trembling body, scared out of my mind I was talking to her and my dad.

What did Licorice say?

“Again?”

That’s what she said while I was in my episode. I wanted to cry. I wanted to die. Cutting had been a temporary release to my episodes. Temporary. She saw the cuts...all she asked was why. I answered with what I knew...the voices.

All though we used to write in shared notebooks all of our woes. I had to keep them due her homophobic parents.

I couldn’t say a word...only my mother knew along with my stepfather about my relationship.

We broke up, I ended in a clinic to avoid my suicide. I had to ask my mom and dad to tell my friends to send me letters. Licorice did not do it for me...nor did my so called friends. And when I received her letter...she ended it with what we used to write in our shared diary “your Hatter”.

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair what was going on. My birthday gave me an episode...she ran. Only Charles helped me calm down along with my mom.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my 18th birthday party. But...It felt wrong.

We went to the beach as a graduation present. I kissed her, adored her every morning...it was as if she liked me still.

I always knew she adored me...but I loved her. It was painful knowing I didn’t have that back.

It was painful that I saw her in her worst times and I was there to try and help.

And months after she entered university and we still talked she did her last transgression…

“I thought you knew we weren’t together anymore”

After months of calling Licorice pet names, and caring for her like a girlfriend would...She did not have the dignity to even end things with me properly.

I adored her. She was my obsession and one of the reasons why I had decided to go to therapy. I wanted to be better for her...be the one she needed and could count on.

But she isn’t anymore, Licorice is the last one who will break my heart.

People tell me not to die...to not try to commit suicide. It’s hard...it’s hard to have her life in my hands, Charles life in my hands as well as my mother’s. All of them would die if I do. I live just to see them smile.

But it’s tiresome. Exhausting. I really have no will to live. Can you really kill something that is dead inside?

I adore you still Licorice, very very much. I loved you more than anyone...more than my own life. I really hope you are happy now and stop taking things for granted.

I’m sorry. I just...why does everyone who was in love with me end up wishing to be my friend instead? ANSWER ME! WHY DID YOU ALL DO THIS TO ME?! WHERE DID I GO WRONG?! WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH FOR ANY OF YOU!?