2015

He stood in front of the grave, staring at the name written on the stone slab that marked it. Margot Caldwell, his mother, died only a month beforehand. Old age had taken her, like it had taken his father almost three years ago.

The funeral had been nice and short. Friends and family got up to speak about how wonderful his mother had been. He had to stop during the middle of his eulogy to wipe away tears and calm down his ragged breathing. During the wake people had come up to him to express their condolences. He'd gotten sick of the strange people he had never met before acting as though they loved his mother as much as he did.

Sarah hadn't been there; one of her kids had gotten into trouble at school and she had to go in a speak to the principal. It had angered him on the day. He needed her there, he needed someone to help him through it. She could have booked a meeting with the principal for another day, it wasn't hard to do.

She had come to see him the day after and visited him in his tiny house at least once a week. Sometimes she brought the kids, or Scott, or just came by herself. He did love her kids, they were growing into intelligent responsible adults and he got along well with them. One of them, Sarah's eldest, loved to ask him about his job and anything to do with technology and its production.

At some point over the last month, Philip had called to see how he was doing. They had kept in touch since their relationship ended, but it had taken some time. It had taken nearly a year for Alex to grow comfortable enough to speak with him again. He hadn't taken the break up well, throwing Philip's things out of the house for him to pick up and locking the door when he tried to talk to him.

Now he had semi regular lunches with Philip and Thomas, his soulmate and agent. It was comfortable and friendly, and he and Thomas got along like a house on fire. He hadn't seen them since before his mother died however, they'd gone on a well-deserved holiday to Europe because Philip had won an award for his art. They weren't going to be back for another couple of days.

Philip had actually taken a couple of months between their break up and starting his relationship with Thomas. He'd quickly determined that he was right about the man but had told him that he was still moving on from a past relationship. They had loved each other, and Philip had thought that they were soulmates, so Alex didn't judge him for taking some time to get over him.

Alex hadn't gone to their Ceremony, which he did regret, but at the time he hadn't wanted to see it. He didn't want to face the fact that the man he loved had a soulmate that wasn't him. Philip had shown him plenty of photos and videos of the day. It had looked beautiful, something that only fuelled Alexander's regret.

"Hey," a voice called. "You ready to go?" Sarah walked up to him, placing a hand on his back. They stared down at Margot's grave together, the flowers he had put down when he got there fluttering in the wind.

"Just... Give me a few more minutes," he answered. He would have to go soon, Sarah needed to pick up her kids from school, but he wanted to just stand and think for a little while longer. It's all he'd been doing for the last month, but it felt more comfortable, safer, to do it by his mother’s grave with Sarah at his side.

She had been happy when she died. She'd told Alexander that she'd lived a full life with barely any regrets, she had only wished to see him go through his Ceremony with his soulmate. He had told her that she could live for a hundred more years and never see it happen. She hadn't been too happy with that response but hadn't argued with him. Alexander suspected that part of her had agreed with him.

Margot Caldwell had died in her sleep after Alexander had visited her in her little room in the nursing home. The nurse had found her the next morning and had called Alex straight away. He had cried like a child, feeling more alone than ever before. Philip had been on holiday and Sarah hadn't answered her phone. He'd stayed at home that day, hiding from the world.

"Alright," he muttered. "Let's go get your kids." He fixed the flowers so that they sat against the ground and wouldn't get blown away by the wind and wandered away from the grave. Sarah followed after him and he could feel her staring at him. She was worried about him, he knew that much, but she never really tried to talk to him about it. Their friendship had faded drastically over the years, and Alexander was convinced that she was only around now because his mother had died.

He pulled himself into her car, leaning back against the headrest and closing his eyes. He heard Sarah get settled in next to him and the rumble of the engine as the car started. Gravel crunched under the tires as they drove in silence from the cemetery. He could feel himself drifting off to sleep, craving the relaxation that sleep brought. He usually didn't remember his dreams, meaning the thoughts he had when he was awake wouldn't follow him there.

"I'm sorry," Sarah said, shocking him awake. He opened his eyes and looked at her, confusion covering his face. "For not being there when Margot died. I should have been there."

It was then that Alexander realised just how old Sarah was getting. Her body was in its forties, double the age of Alexanders, and it would only get older. Her hair was turning a light shade of grey and wrinkles were forming around her eyes and mouth. Her skin was starting to sag, and her eyes looked unbelievably tired. He didn't know how he hadn't seen it before.

"You should have," he said, voice like a mouse. "But you weren't. I told you it was okay, I got through it fine on my own."

"Did you, though?" she asked, briefly looking at him out of the corner of her eye. "Alex, I don't think I've ever seen you look so tired before. You're not fine."

"My mother is dead!" he snapped, anger coming out of nowhere. “Both my parents are dead!”

"I know, and I'm sorry," Sarah replied, but Alex continued without ever hearing her words.

"She died of old age! She aged!" he cried, tears welling in his eyes. "You're aging, so fast, and I barely even noticed! I'm still the same, I've always been the same and it's never going to change!"

"That's not true," Sarah told him, voice calm despite Alexander's ravings.

"It is!" he replied, wiping at the tears as they spilled down his cheeks. He didn't know where the burst of emotion had come from. "I'm nearly sixty and I still haven't found my soulmate. Every single person I know has found theirs already! I'm past the age that I'm meant to find them and I'm still alone!"

Sarah cursed, pulling over onto the curb and ignoring the sound of another car’s horns. Alex stopped trying to wipe the tears away and instead let them fall freely, hot against his cheeks. His nose ran and he let out ugly sobs that he would have been embarrassed about in any other situation.

"I hate this so much!" he screamed, dropping his head into his hands. He breath came out in short pants and his stomach ached from the effort of crying. "I just want to find them. I've been trying so damn hard, but everyone already has their soulmate. I don't want to be alone anymore! I hate it!"

Sarah said nothing, only undid her seat belt and moved closer to him. She wrapped her arm around his shoulders and let him weep into her chest. He didn't even care about getting snot and tears on her clothes, he just needed to cry. He didn't know where the thoughts and tears came from, they just burst out of him like a dam breaking apart, everything spilling out at once.

He listened to Sarah as she began to mumble comforting words to him, shushing him and telling him that everything was going to be okay. He didn't believe her, not one bit, but her hug was warm and human, something he was desperately craving.

He was so sick of being alone, of watching everyone be happy with their soulmate, the person that would love them for the rest of their lives. He didn't even know what it felt like to love someone like that. He thought he had had it with Philip, they both had, but they had been so wrong. And afterwards everything in Alexander's social life had taken a downward spiral.

All he did was work and work and work. He didn't want to talk to people, didn't want to see how happy they were and how happy he wasn't. Someone had suggested a couple of years ago that he should go and see a therapist and at the time he had hated the idea, but now, crying in Sarah's arms, he thought it might actually be a good idea.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, pulling away from her chest and wiping at his eyes.

"Hey, it's okay," Sarah replied, voice calm and soothing. "Don't apologise, you obviously needed to cry. You're grieving."

"Yeah," Alex muttered, voice thick.

Sarah frowned, glancing down at the ground. "Look, I know I'm not your soulmate and I know I haven't been there as much as I should have, but you're not alone, okay?" she started. "I'm here, Philip's here. I know you still talk to him. Maybe we can help you find your soulmate."

Alex shook his head. "It's fine," he told her.

Sarah shot him a look his could only describe as a 'disappointed mother' look. "It's not," she said. "I don't know how long you've been thinking stuff like that, but I want to help you. We've been friends since we were kids, Alex, and I've never seen you cry like that before. God, we never should have drifted apart, I should have been here."

"Since I turned fifty," Alex interrupted.

"What?"

"Since Philip," he continued, "Hell, since I turned twenty-two. That's how long. It doesn't go away."

"Alex," Sarah started, mouth opening and closing on words that didn't want to come out. He wasn't sure if he wanted to hear what she had to say, it would just be the same stuff people had been telling him for years. I'll be there for you, you're not alone, I'm sorry, I love you. He was sick of it. "I don't know what I'm meant to say."

"It doesn't matter," he told her, turning and watching the cars fly past out the windscreen.

"That's not true," she replied. "You're not doing well, and it seems like you haven't for a while. I should have realised. I'm sorry I didn't. I'll talk to Philip, you should too. We can figure out what to do. We won't let you be alone."

Alexander sighed, feeling tears well in his eyes again. He didn't want to cry anymore. "We should go get the kids," he started. "They're probably wondering where we are."

"Alex-"

"Please," he stared at her in a silent plea. He just wanted to go.

Sarah sighed, but pulled away from the curb, quickly pulling the car back onto the road they were on earlier. "Fine, but we're talking about this later, okay?" she said. "I'm worried about you. You're not dealing with this stuff well."

"I know," he replied, dreading the conversation. He shouldn't have said anything, but everything had gotten to him in that moment and all his emotions had come spilling out. He regretted it, but there was a tiny part of him, a quiet voice in the back of his mind, that told him that maybe something good could come of it.

All he needed was a little bit of hope.