Not everyone believes in destiny and yes, people have different point of views in their lives. A friend of mine believes that his destiny is written and he must follow it whatever happens. As for me, I don’t really believe in destiny; our lives are given to us so that we could write our own stories, our adventures, our failures and our victories. I don’t know. Who knows if he is right or I am right, or maybe we are both wrong. One way or another, I think destiny maybe looks like a large map, where each part is like a huge crossroad. For every decision, a new path will open and some ends. Some path leads to the start of another path and some paths just disappear. Maybe for as long as I live my life, then things will get clearer for me. Maybe when I find the right path, then I could learn more things. Yes. Maybe. That’s the world I live in; full of “Maybes”.

Has dying already came into your mind? It seems too early to tell you about this thing, but I’m sorry, I should. Dying, might only be an expression for someone’s grief as I see it. When you die, have you ever imagined what comes next? Is it just like a blackout? My eyes usually see it the other way, or maybe the wrong way, who knows? People die every day, maybe not physically but some die from the inside. At this point, I think I have already died longer than what I think. It’s been a long time since I felt so warm when I see people. Every time I feel my chest, there is nothing but only a cold, death heart that slumbers inside. Today, it’s just like looking at an old portrait covered in dust. Same faces, same experiences, same laughs, same shit and same stories. I think I am stuck in the middle of nowhere. I don’t know. But if there’s one thing that I can assure you, it feels like drowning; drowning into an endless depth of a cold, dark sea. I can see the lights up ahead calling for me but the cold deeps are slowly pulling me away, and the worst part is, I’m getting pulled but I don’t restrain. I just let it. I see it, but I never understood it.

I woke up from the freezing morning. My head aches. My body hurts. I am looking at the ceiling of my room. How long was I asleep? I gaped at the side of the bed and stared at my clock. It took maybe a few seconds before my brain processed that it was already seven in the morning. I buried my face in the pillow for as long as I could, but the beating of my headache prevents me from doing it for a longer time. I just rolled flat again from my previous place and stared at the dull blue color of the ceiling in my room. The window curtain is partly open and a small beam of morning light enters my dark room. And yes, I was wondering how or why did my body hurts. I can’t remember a single thing that happened last night. All I remembered was about a dream.

I dreamt of a girl standing in an open field. It was summer that time; the wind blows slowly but unusually enough to make the prairie dance. We were standing a few yards away from each other, but my blunt eyes are weak from that distance. I can see her, but not clear. All I know is that she is beautiful. Her skin glows as the sun touches hers. She wears a red floral, sleeveless dress that touches her knees. The more I look into her, the more she gets beautiful. It felt like a Siren was luring me to her charms. The gentle air gives enough breeze to make her espresso-colored hair sway.

She was looking at me. Her piercing green eyes are overflowing with inexpressible emotion. It shines as if a diamond was engraved in her eyes. What only seems wrong is that I can’t even understand why she is looking at me like that. She smiled at me, pressing her lips against each other. All I know is that I have to talk to her. As soon as I took a step forward, everything vanished. I looked around and the scenery dissolved. That was the end of it.

Finally, I can now stand on my feet, maybe my body has already adjusted from the pain but it still hurts. The freezing morning made me almost crawl to my bath but I managed to walk somehow. I headed straight to the bath and opened the lights. But hell, what’s wrong with the world, the lights are dead. Good thing my poor eyesight is incredibly good at adjusting at dark areas so there, I can still take a shower and do everything I need inside the bath before going to work. By the way, I live alone. I was raised by a quite number of people and I consider them as my family. I don’t know who my real parents are but I think knowing them would only make things more complicated for me. I am contented of what I am currently doing for now but I am looking forward to doing something for myself in the future-anything, as long as it will make me whole.

I walked out of my trailer and headed to the mess hall to grab something to eat. The park’s still close and Yes, I currently do live beside a park – in the woods beside the park. It’s not much but my life is better than what it seems to be. Across the park is a series of Giant tents. These tents a color-coded to let the visitors know where should they go but of ‘course, they are guided by huge tarpaulins, prints, banners, name it, we have it. In case you are wondering, I do work in these tents – a.k.a. ‘The Cirque’. Ta-da! Surprise. I’m sorry, it doesn’t get any better. I have been in the Circus in my whole life. We are a traveling circus and we mostly stay on one place for about 6 to 8 months or so.

The park’s the only place that looks nice in the entire city. It is the only place where you can see an actual tree. During our history, which I don’t entirely know, Humans has not stopped fighting until a strong nuclear explosion halted the wars and there we have it- a destroyed environment with nothing much to see. There are houses and other stuff like grocer outside the park but you’ll find that mostly unoccupied or destroyed, probably because of the explosion. Scavengers roam around asking for food and some would even result to crime. Then there’s the rich people, who locked themselves inside the walls of the Metropolis. Each place that we’ve come through has a metropolis and we call it lucky if we were permitted to stay inside the walls. The people inside often come and watch our shows but they are heavily guarded with armed men. They pay for our shows so our Ring master, Trent does not mind. Imagine a world of poverty, mixed with a destroyed surrounding then there’s the middle class who also lived inside the metropolis but on the edge of the city. Their houses are piled like a wall but as good as it seems, the major wall was surrounded by electricity, not to mention a thick, concrete wall was around the rich people. Technology was not also the best thing we have. Since the disaster, the advancement of the human technology fell and most has to start from zero. Because of the war, the resources have depleted that the people focused on rebuilding the civilization by using minimal technology and use the resources for a much better use. That’s it – that’s how life sucked in this Era.

Anyway, I work there in the backstage as an all-around helper but most of the time, I man the spotlight for the main act, and these main acts vary depending on what day (or perhaps night) you are watching. During Sundays, our Diva, Serena sings a jaw-dropping melody for the people, and she’s also the biggest Diva in real life. On Mondays, the animal tamer Tanya usually opens the weekdays with her incredible act. If you think you can make a dog sit or catch a twig, then Tanya’s made it to another level. Tuesday nights are the funniest with the group of Clowns and I don’t know them personally. During Wednesdays and Thursdays, shows the weirdest guys, also known as the ‘freak show’ or the ‘freak nights’. Well, from the word itself, this act either shows the people with disfigured bodies or freakish abilities. I have always thought that these days are the best days as I can see the weird mix of amazement, disgust, fear and whatever the emotion of the people who are watching. And lastly, every Friday’s our Magician’s act called “The Amazing Arthur”. His trick is simple but for a normal person’s eye, I think that I really is amazing. He is one of our best and highest paying acts. Anyway, I would also like to add that this event is what I hate most – not the act but Arthur himself. He has this irritating style of “adding his ‘supporters’ in the act”, to which I usually get involved. The thing is, I don’t mind the people laughing but I simply don’t want to be on the spotlight. I am the spotlight guy and being on the spotlight is kind of a weird feeling.

What’s worse is that today is a Friday. Shit.