Dear Diary,

This is a new experience for me, recording down my daily thoughts and feelings. I may be a bit imprecise with the usage of this at first, yet I will persevere. I think the hardest part may be resisting the urge to edit if I ever reread this. At the very least no other human being should read this until I am dead, and all my embarrassment is long gone by that point.

I have chosen to write this because of an analysis of the discussions I have had with the in house therapist at work. From the discussions we have had I have found that those who stick to writing out their emotions in a diary tended to have more stable mental health results. I have not attended any one on one sessions with them however they seem to feel safe relating the details of their sessions with me. I know this is not the most professional behaviour, but I do not want to discourage their friendship. I get the feeling they tell me as I understand what it is like to have people avoid you because of the work you do. Well in my case not just the work I do but the gift I have. No one likes someone they feel is analysing them.

I have spent the last hundred and forty nine days working on either; A) Murders, B) Smuggling, C) Drug dealing. I like that it is a prime number. I wish I could be an unbreakable prime, but I can feel myself beginning to fray at the edges.

I spot patterns and the more patterns you spot the more you see seeping into your own life. I know my neighbour two doors down has been growing some souped up herbs in her back garden and selling them locally. I can picture her network and the impact it has on the local community. I can see how it caused the broken window at the end of the hall last week.

The best patterns are the natural ones. Like how a flower chooses to arrange its leaves to create the optimum usage of sunlight exposure or the spirals formed by galaxies or nautilus shells to provide ample room for growth. Each pattern has a reasoning behind it. The reasoning is just not always good or obvious.

There is even a pattern to the way my breakdown approaches. I have about three months more of optimum level of work filled with brief periods of exhaustion. At some point past the three month mark I will progress into longer periods of instability. The dreams and insomnia will become more intense. This has happened before and will happen again.

I will ask for emergency leave then. All of my gift can ask that. But I cannot leave them before then. I feel responsible. I am the only analyst type gift in my unit to last longer than a year. I need to be there to lend experience. I am important there. I have to always remember that.

Yours Faithfully,

Rei Farrell