Dear Diary,

You cannot turn it off but that is exactly what they want me to do. Turn off my brain for a month. At least a month. I have about six months leave that I have accumulated and from the look on my line manager’s face he might force me to take it. I did not reach the full three months. I did not even reach a week before someone caught me crying over the last batch of data brought in. I tried to explain that I always cry at the children. That it does not actually mean I need time off. Then they gave me that pitying look I often get. I do not need pity. I need to work to have meaning.

I spent the afternoon trying to work out how to spend the excess of time I have now. My parents live all the way across the world, I could visit them. However there is a high certainty that they will be busy with a project of their own and will have no time to spend with me.

I do not have many friends outside of work, certainly none I can spend more than one day a month with.

It should not be this hard to work out how to spend my spare time. Most people have hobbies or dreams or some other activities that fill up that empty air between getting up in the morning and going to bed at night. I reviewed my own rest time activities that I have indulged in by myself for the past few years upon my days off.

On an average day I clean my flat from top to bottom. This usually takes a few hours from when I wake up. This is followed by a visit to the local shop where I buy a week’s worth of groceries. Generally the same ingredients every week with the addition of one random patisserie item that absorbs my attention. I return home to cook a small lunch. Once lunch is finished, I walk in the park before returning home to read case reports I need to catch up on. If I have two days off, I sometimes go to the library and read a book for a few hours.

I am pretty sure that this is not enough activity to carry on an enthralling social life in the minimum of a month I have to myself. I could join some clubs and try to make some new acquaintances. However it is not something that appeals to me. I know on an intellectual level that it would be good for my mental health unfortunately it also instils in me a feeling of dread. It could well be like the past interactions I have had. Where everyone avoids me because they feel I am dissecting them, turning them into a science project instead of a person. In a way I cannot avoid breaking people down into patterns. I wish I could verbalise to them that when this happens it is A) Out of my conscious control and B) Not something that lessens them. When I see the breakdown of any pattern especially the patterns complex as a humans life it is beautiful. Like a rainbow shattered into many spectrums each part is more than the last.

This is a task for tomorrow to think upon. For now I need to attempt rest. It will take a little while tonight I am sure.

Yours Faithfully,

Rei Farrell