I spend a good chunk of my life alone. Driving to work, reading books, playing games, writing stories, or pondering my purpose in life. All that usual stuff I tend to do alone. In fact I am one of those people that needs time alone to recharge my brain cells now and again. This doesn't mean I am lonely at these times. I have tasks to do or brain cells to rebuild. It is a calm time. A time I enjoy. 

Alone is a choice, Loneliness is forced upon me. Because of this I find loneliness to be a creeping monster. 

I had a job where there were only two full time employees; Me and my boss. Now unfortunately for me her work involved a lot of visiting our clients but she still needed someone to man the phones in the office. I spent weeks at a time waking up at 7 am driving to work and then getting home at 6 pm where if I was lucky I would speak to the first human being I had seen in person all day. There wasn't even good work to distract me as I found the job easy and repetitive to do.

I started to go truly insane. I went from happy at having a new job to quickly becoming depressed. Properly depressed with the whole checklist of symptoms and a possibility of medication. I snapped at people. Became increasingly anxious, especially when making or answering phone calls. Some days I spoke not a single word all day. I looked after myself less well and struggled to want to sleep until the late hours of the morning because at least then I could message people online. I wondered often if anyone would notice if I just disappeared. If I just was swallowed whole by the nothingness.

When I left the job there were now four other full time employees. Not a single one of them was in the office the day I left. I deleted my computer account, threw away my rubbish and removed my very presence from the room as I went out the door. I felt I had done nothing for a whole year. That I was a useless being who they couldn't even be bothered to say goodbye to.

It has taken me a good few years now to gain back the self-love and confidence I lost then. I am still anxious about phone calls, something that gets worse with stress and loneliness.

Loneliness is a killer. It eats at you and leaves you tearing at yourself with your worst thoughts. The job was the worst experience of loneliness I have ever had but is not the only one. I was lonely when studying at University so far away from family and friends. Lonely over the summer holidays as a child. I fear I will be lonely in future too.

All I can do to combat it is to build in time to talk to others. Eat a meal with family or make sure I talk to people at work. Especially if they look lonely too. That is until I run out of energy. Then it feels good to be alone once again.