School sucked balls before, and with no friends it sucked serious balls. Like huge, horrible balls. Okay, you get it. Something that the high school teen movie drama, whatever, never tell you is that sitting alone is completely fine it's people staring at you as they walk by, or the teachers that come up and ask if you're alright every. single. day.
My senior year I didn't walk through the front doors in slow motion while the Kooks, or Metro Station played in the background. There was no record scratch, cut to cute generic looking boy. I'd grown up with all the guys at my school. I'd practically watched them shit their pants in Kindergarten. Not so appealing, right? There was no locker meetup with friends as we talked about what classes we had in common because, hey, no friends. No change of music as 'the populars' walked by because the popular girls only considered themselves popular, everyone else thought they were annoying.
High school is a joke.
Movies made it seem like girls who looked like they were 25 and had a modeling contract were going to be walking down the halls, which, yes, is what most people think of me when I walk down the halls, but listen, not everyone can be me. I'm totally being sarcastic here. It's all prepubescent punks who think they've gone through puberty, but really haven't. Myself included.
High school is really just a bunch of sweaty, anxiety ridden kids that are shoved together in classrooms and fight to get out of high school with the least amount of emotional trauma.
I'm not a cynic about anything except high school, I promise.
From previous years I was used to walking to classes with my friends, meeting up at lunch together and hanging out after the first day of school to talk about who was in our classes and who was already trying to be class clown.
None of that happened this year.
I walked to classes alone. Sat in the corner of all the classes where the desk wasn't already taken by someone else who'd already given up. Ate lunch alone. Walked to my car alone. Came right back home after school to mope.
I've never felt so lonely and off kilter like I had my first day of senior year. Everyone around me had hyped it up so much. Senior year! It's great! You'll drink a lot and party! You'll make a bunch of friends and maybe finally get your first kiss!
Gee whiz! How dandy!
First off, I don't drink. Not because I have anything against it, I just don't like the taste and I don't see what's so appetizing about getting a hangover the next day. Second, I'd only ever gotten invited to two parties: a Halloween party, and a New Years ever party. Turns out you have to know people to get into parties. Third, yes. I hadn't had my first kiss yet, but neither had half the people in my grade.
If you think you're the only one who still hasn't had their first kiss, or is the only virgin in your grade, you're completely wrong. Also, it's not the 80's anymore, no one judges people based on that shit because it's irrelevant. People will however judge you based on how much money you have and what kind of clothes you wear.
Just a PSA.
I'm not one of those people who tries to come off like a "I'm not like other girls! I'm different!" I really truly do not. I just stopped giving a shit. I used to be ahead of the game in elementary and middle school where I was in the special Gate classes for gifted children. I definitely wasn't considered gifted anymore because I was pulling straight C's in all of my classes.
I was seriously depressed, highly anxious, and had completely given up on trying. My parents were ecstatic.
"Allison, just make new friends!"
"Allison, if you just applied yourself!"
"Allison, you have to try!"
Thanks, hadn't thought of all of this before.
I tried for the first month of school to make friends with everyone I met and people were seeming to like me, but they only talked to me in school and in the classes we had together. That was it.
It seemed like nothing I did, even though I was putting in my best effort, was getting me anywhere.
People still didn't want to hang out with me and I was still eating alone at lunch.
By the end of September I had already missed seven whole days of school just because I was too depressed to go in and be alone again.
I would always hear people say how they felt alone in a room full of people, and holy shit was that true. I felt alone in a whole school full of people. Alone with 600 some students. It's the most gut wrenching feeling.
My throat was constantly clogged from holding back tears, my head always hurt from my anxiety, and yet no one seemed to notice or care.
Clara had been completely welcomed into a new group where she seemed to be having the time of her life, while I was stuck watching alone from the sidelines. It was nearly October and she still hadn't texted me.
It was nearly October and I had zero friends.
Senior year was shaping up to be a huge shit fest, and I had almost completely given up on going to school at all. I had begged my mom to let me be homeschooled, but she refused. I knew it was a drastic step to take, but damn I didn't want to go to school, let alone try to get good grades.
I continued trying to make friends with anyone, practically begging them to hang out with me outside of school. There was this one girl Zara who used to sit with me that I offered to buy her ice cream if she wanted to grab some with me over the weekend. She said she was busy. Another girl Ellen I offered to drive her to the mall if she wanted to go within the next week. She said she was trying to save money. Gabrielle, do you want to go see this new movie you were talking about with me? I have other plans. Ada, I have a bunch of cake mix if you want to come over and bake. I can't this weekend, sorry. Romi? Abby? Sarah? Cammie? ANYONE?
Nothing.
It was the last day of September when a girl I used to be on the soccer team with transferred into my study hall. There was one seat left open right next to me and she sat down.
She was just as short as me, if not a bit taller, so the chair I had adjusted to prop my book bag on was just the right height for her. I was all but ready to talk to her when I realized I'd forgotten her name.
She had a very bohemian style of clothes, freckles, red hair. She looked like an Alexis, or maybe... I thought her name started with a B. What names start with B?
I sat there for the longest time, probably staring her down on accident before she decided to speak. "Hey, you're Allison, right?"
I smiled and nodded. "Hey!"
How do you subtly ask someone for their name when they already know yours? I figured I would wait for attendance and then figure out her name and talk to her tomorrow, but I guess she had other plans.
She smiled back at me and I felt my anxiety come back. It had been such a long time since someone had started a conversation with me and not the other way around. I'd completely forgotten how to socialize. Damn.
Normally I would have a bunch of questions lined up in my head to keep a conversation flowing before I would actually start one with someone, so I was thrown off. Can not compute. Nada. Nothing.
I laughed awkwardly. "What are you planning on working on?"
She looked at me quizzically. "Latin or-."
"What made you transfer in here?" Shit, I'd cut her off. I mentally face palmed. Why am I so fucking awkward?
"I had to switch a few classes so I could take AP Art History." Art, okay she likes art, cool, art, alright. Art. Yes.
"That's so cool! I was thinking of taking that class to." Total lie. Damn why was I lying.
"Why didn't you?" She asked, taking out a notebook.
Good question, I thought to myself, why didn't I hypothetically take this class that I never had any interest in. "Schedule conflict." I shrugged disappointedly.
"I feel that."
I laughed awkwardly. "Yeah."
At this point she turned forward to talk to one of the girls in her friend group, Mia, who was sitting a row ahead of us with her boyfriend.
My heart was racing and I was pretty sure my face was completely red, but I feigned calmness and pulled out my physics homework. This could be the start of something new (definitely was not thinking of High School Musical... nope).
Mr. Ferd finally decided to do attendance, but the girl's name never got called. She apparently noticed this too. "My name never got called."
"I don't have you on my list." Mr. Ferd said.
"I just transferred. My name is Brianna."
And thus a new hope had been restored in me that maybe, just maybe, Brianna could be a friend.
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