Dear Rosey,
The aftermath is always worse than the storm. Once the storm is over you have to look at all the damage done; look at all that has been lost and rebuild, if you can rebuild. That is what happened next. In the late hours of the morning, I woke up with and looked around. What did I see?
Well next to me on the bed was a very naked Clara, the tv was on, it was a documentary on dolphins now. I was naked and all of my clothes were on the floor. I really had to pee. There was a loud knock on the door, it was so sudden I jumped so high I nearly fell off the bed.
“Zara, you awake yet?” I heard you ask.
“Uh…”
Clara stirred awake and sat up, rubbing her eyes. She met my gaze her face going red.
“Zara open the door.” You called.
“Uh…” I repeated.
“What’s wrong?”
Then Clara got up and opened the door really fast before pulling you in and shutting it again. She was still naked.
“What? What happened?” you sounded hurt.
“I wasn’t, I didn’t, I …I…” I couldn’t find any excuse for what I had done.
“I slept with her last night.” Clara outright said.
You turned away from me to hide your pain.
“Just put your clothes on.” You snapped.
“She told me, about you two. She told me everything.” Clara went on.
I just quickly started getting dressed.
“And you still slept with her? You were supposed to watch her not take advantage of her!” You whirled on her.
“I know! Okay yes, I fucked up, I’m sorry. It just sort of happened.”
“You don’t just sort of accidentally sleep with someone Clara.”
“You are the one fucking your stepsister!” she yelled back.
I watched the color drain from your face. Like it had finally sunk in about what she meant when she said I told her everything.
“Rosey I’m sorry.” I could feel my tears well up.
“Look I’m not going to tell anyone, I think I would rather forget any of this ever happened. We good?” Clara said.
“We good!? You slept with my girlfriend!” you spat.
That was the first time you had officially claimed me as your girlfriend. My heart skipped a beat. That made me very happy, despite the fact that I was in a very bad situation.
“Who also happens to be your stepsister, so can you really judge me?” she crossed her arms.
“Oh my god, I can’t believe this is happening.” You started pacing.
“Look it was a drunk one night stand. I won’t tell the freaky shit you’re into if you don’t tell about the freaky shit I just did,” she said.
“Fine, fine whatever Clara. Let’s go, Zara.”
“I have to use the restroom,” I said.
You sighed and led me to the bathroom. Once I saw myself in the mirror I saw how horrible I looked. I had dark bags under my eyes, which were red from irritation. I looked pale and my lips were dry. I washed my face to try and put some color back into it. I was numb. I couldn’t believe what had happened, happened. I felt horrible.
“I’m sorry,” I said once I came out of the bathroom.
“Let’s just get out of here.” You said.
“Rosey,” Clara called. she was fully dressed now.
“What?” you spat.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry, really I am. I’m sorry to you too Zara, you were drunk and I took advantage. I hope one day you can both forgive me.” she wiped at her tears.
“Don’t count on it.” You said before taking my hand and pulling me out of the house of horrors.
“Are you mad at me?” I asked as we walked back to our beach house.
“Mad can’t even begin to describe how I feel. I feel hurt and betrayed, and sad. I know it’s partially my fault, and most of it is Clara’s fault, but some of it is your fault too. You should have had more self-control, you should have made better choices. You should have known with her medication that you would have a bad reaction.” You dropped my hand.
“I know. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m so stupid. I never wanted to hurt you. I’m just, I can’t, I’m sorry.” I cried.
I felt horrible. Probably the worst I’ve felt in a long time. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I betrayed you, the girl I love, for some nobody. Well, she is a nobody to me at least. This was stupid, I felt stupid. Like I had just fallen for some bad 80’s movie plot line that some old horny man wrote into the script. Significant other sleeps with arch-rival. Defiantly sounds like a bad movie.
“Come here.” You sighed pulling me into your arms.
“I’m sorry.” I cried into your shoulder.
“Me too, I’m sorry too. For not stepping in, for leaving you alone with her. I’m sorry too.”
I think that was the first time we both realized how much we meant to each other. Really meant. What our relationship really was. Because if you were just experimenting with me you wouldn’t have gotten so upset about it. You wouldn’t have cared so much about it. But you did, you cared. You really did love me and I almost messed everything up because of my lack of self-control.
You realized how much I needed you, how much I was lost without you. You realized that without you I am just a sad angry girl with only my pride to lose. You loved me, and I loved you.
“Please tell me this isn’t the end, I can’t lose you, Rose. I can’t.” I begged.
“It’s not, it’s definitely a rough patch. And I feel like you just shot me in the heart, but we will get through this. We will. I want to know what you were thinking when you did it. Was it because you thought she was hot? Or maybe you were mad at me?”
I shook my head.
“Then what? Please, I need to know. I need to know how you could do this to me.”
“It was because I wanted to control her. I wanted to dominate her. I wanted her to be mine. I know that sounds bad, and I try not to be that way. It’s the anger, it’s this thing in me. I try to not let it control me. I don’t want that with you, I don’t want to control you. I just want to be with you.” I sobbed.
“We are going to get through this.” You said as tears slide down your cheeks.
I just fell to my knees in the sand. I could feel the sadness consuming me again. I just couldn’t believe that I had ruined it, I had ruined the one thing I needed. I was a monster, a horrible, despicable, uncontrollable monster.
You got into the sand in front of me and then just pushed me down onto my back.
“Zara Rianne Scottsdale, I love you.” You declared looking me in the eyes.
It made me stop crying instantly. You smiled when I did. Then you wiped the tears from my face. It was like at that moment it was just you and me versus the whole world. You were declaring us and you were showing me you weren’t afraid anymore. That you had accepted me as yours, and yours as mine. A warmness filled my entire being and at that moment I knew there would never be anyone else for me. You’re it and I’m going to do whatever I can to keep you.
“I love you too,” I said.
“I know.” You said, then you kissed me.
“It’s going to be okay. We love each other and we will get through this. We are idiots in love remember.” You said once you pulled back.
“Yeah.” I forced a smile.
“Now let's get you to a shower because you reek of sweat and beer.” You made a face.
“Sorry,” I said.
“Come on.” You helped me up.
After a long hot shower and me writing down everything that happened the night before you and I joined our parents for breakfast.
“How was your night girls?” Melissa asked.
“It was okay.” You shrugged.
“Just okay?” Dad raised an eyebrow.
“What about Beck?” Melissa asked.
“Mom I already told you Beck and I are over, we’re just friends now.” You grumbled stabbing your fork into an egg chunk.
“Okay, no need to be grumpy. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.” She snarked.
“What about you Zara?” Dad asked.
“It was… fun. I liked meeting all of Rosey’s friends. They are um, nice.” I worded everything very carefully.
“Right.” he nodded.
Then we ate in silence.
“Did something happen?” Melissa asked after about ten minutes of silence.
“No.” You and I said in unison.
I cringed because we were both so quick to respond we had given ourselves away.
“What happened?” Dad asked me straightforward.
Of course, he assumed it had something to do with me, and even though he was right it still irked me. I wish for once he could just trust me.
“Nothing,” I grumbled and stood to put up my plate.
“Zara.” He used his commanding voice.
“Can we just drop it? I learned my lesson that’s all you need to know. We are on a vacation, let’s just enjoy it.” I sighed.
“Not until you tell me what happened, did you hurt someone? Did you break something? Is there going to be charges?” He asked.
“No. I don’t think so.” I shrugged hugging myself. I could feel tears welling up, I still felt pretty horrible.
“What does that mean Zara?” He stood to put his own plate up.
“Dad can we talk, in private,” I asked.
He raised a brow at me and sighed as he put his plate in the sink. Then he looked to you and Melissa and sighed again.
“Fine.” He said.
So with one last parting glance, I looked at you. If you could admit to yourself that you loved me, then it was time for me to stop hiding too. I swallowed my fear and led him to the back room and sat on the bed, he shut the door behind him.
I told him about how I got drunk, about how I slept with Clara. How I am gay. Of course, I said nothing about you or anything about our relationship. I focused strictly on the part about me being gay and accidentally sleeping with a girl while drunk thing. I told him that you were just trying to cover for me. The whole time he just listened silently.
“Say something.” I finally said after I had finished my tale.
He clenched his fist and when I looked up I saw disgust in his face and pain in his eyes. I physically recoiled back from him.
“You’ll grow out of it.” He finally said.
“What?”
“This is just another form of your rebellion. You’ll grow out of it once you mature. I’m just glad no one was hurt. You’re grounded, again, do you understand?”
“No, I don’t understand. This isn’t just some phase dad. I’m gay, I like girls! Yeah, I know what I did was stupid and I hate myself for it, but that doesn’t change how I feel.” I stood up.
“No Zara, you don’t really feel like this. This is just another form of your rebellion. You are just acting out to get attention. Ever since your mother left that’s all you do. The doctors said it is because the separation was too traumatic for you but that in a few more years you’ll be fine again. I mean you may think you feel that way but I know that this is only temporary.” He sounded so sure.
“Dad come on. Are you serious? Look at me, I’m not telling you this as a way to get attention. In fact, I’m starting to wish I never told you. This is me, this is who I am. Don’t you see?” I asked.
“No this isn’t you.” He shook his head.
“Yes, it is.”
“I don’t think you’ve been you for a long time,” he said.
“I don’t think you’ve ever known who I was.” I shook my head, then I tried to leave.
“I don’t want you going near Rosey anymore.” He said.
“Why?” I turned to him.
“I see how close you are to her, you need to stay away from her. I won’t have you corrupting this family.”
“She’s my stepsister.” I tried.
“Stay away from her.” He sneered.
“Fine, whatever. Just leave me alone.” I said in defeat.
I wanted to scream at him, to curse him out. To hit him. I couldn’t do any of those things, I think I was in shock. I always knew he would have a bad reaction, but I never thought it would be this bad. I thought he would see that it was still me, still his daughter who he has known my whole life. Though I really feel now more than ever that he never truly knew me at all.
I was angry, but more than that I was hurt. I felt like he had stripped me of my identity. That he had taken away all that made me, me. To him, I was nothing but a kid acting out in anger. A hurt little girl who didn’t know who she was or what she wanted. He's wrong, I know who I am, I know what I want.
Don’t I?
At least I thought I did, but he was so sure, so absolute. I’m not, the only thing I know is that I love you Rosey. I know I like girls, but what if he’s right, what if I am just subconsciously using this as a way to get back at him? It sounds like something I would do. Though this feels different. There is no anger in me wanting to be with you. There is no pain when I admit who I am. There is only relief and freedom. So he has to be wrong, right?
How will I ever know for sure?
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