Dear Rosey,
Sleeping on the couch while you slept alone in the room was when everything finally set in. For the rest of the day after I told him I was numb. Like I was walking through a dense fog not really knowing if I was ever going anywhere. Of course, he told Melissa by announcing it to the both of you like this,
“Zara thinks she’s gay. She is grounded.” just like that.
Melissa choked on her water and you went wide-eyed. I just went into my room and shut myself in there. I laid there all day, you never came to check on me.
Then just before it was time for everyone to go to sleep my dad kicked me out of the room and forced me to sleep on the couch. It was hard and cold. I only had a sheet to cover up with. It was on that cold hard couch that I let it finally sink in.
I had made the worst mistake in my entire life by telling him the truth.
I wanted to vomit. That’s how sick I felt. I couldn’t just lay there, I couldn’t just pretend I was okay with this. Because I wasn’t. So I got up and walked to the beach. The moon was high in the sky, only a half moon. The water looked black and mysterious.
I’ll admit was tempted to do something horrible, something I could never come back from, but I didn’t. I thought of you of and how hurt you would be. At least I think you would be hurt.
Then I ran, I just started running down the beach. Running past drunken beach parties and fishing old dudes. I ran until I found a part of the beach that was clear, empty from any onlookers or ease droppers. Then I screamed at the top of my lungs.
I fell to my knees and I punched the sand over and over and over. I cried, and I shook in rage. I did this for a long time, so long someone came to see if I was okay. He looked like a guy from one of the many drunken parties I passed. He looked drunk.
“Whoa are you okay?” he slurred.
“Leave me alone.”
“Should I like, call for help?” he asked.
“No. I’m fine.” I snapped.
“Okay, if you say so.” Then he stumbled away.
I walked around the beach until the sun was coming up, then I walked back to the beach house. Everyone was still asleep. No one had noticed I was gone. I went to wash my hands which were now bruised purple from the sand and the wall from the previous night.
I was still so angry, looking at my bruised hands only made me angrier. So I grabbed my phone from the place where my dad thought he had hidden it. He always hides it in the same place, a high position, either on top of something or in it. This time it was on top of the cabinets.
With my phone, I walked back outside and just sat next to the water line. I called Blythe. It was 5:47 AM in the morning. She answered the third ring.
“Zara?” she sounded half asleep.
“Hey.” I tried to sound normal, but just hearing her groggy voice had me on the verge of tears.
“Do you know what time it is?” She complained.
“Sorry, I just, wanted to hear someone’s voice. You are my only friend remember.” I forced a laugh.
“What’s wrong.” I could hear her moving around, probably sitting up.
“Nothing.” I lied.
“Well, you didn’t call me at five in the morning for nothing.” She yawned.
“Guess not.”
“Just tell me.” she sounded like she was getting grumpy.
“Can you come get me?” I asked.
“Now? Where are you?” she asked.
“I’m on vacation at the beach. You know the one like an hour and a half from the school. Hang side beach I think it’s called.”
“Sure, why do you want me to come get you? Won’t your dad be pissed.” She snorted.
“I told him I was gay,” I said.
There was a long pause of silence before she said,
“I take it that it didn’t blow over well.”
“No. He thinks I’m just doing it to get attention. That I was just trying to make him mad. Can you please just come get me, I can’t be here with him any longer. Please.” I began to cry.
“I’m on my way, just get your stuff ready so we can make a clean getaway.”
“Okay, thank you.”
“I’ll be there soon, just try not to wake him up.” She said.
“I won’t, just call me when you're here,” I said.
“Okay, see you soon.”
Then she hung up. I felt a little better knowing I was going to get out of there, but I still had to get out of there first. So I went back inside and slowly and quietly crept into your room. You were still asleep.
I started packing my bag, being as quiet as possible, I dropped my medication and woke you up. I cursed under my breath.
“Zara?” you sat up.
“Shh!” I said.
“What are you doing?” you whispered.
“I’m getting out of here,” I said.
“What? Where you going?” you stood up and walked over to me.
“Blythe’s coming to get me. I can’t be here any longer Rosey, he’s horrible. I just, I can’t.” I tried to hold back my tears.
“Don’t leave me.” you whimpered.
“He’s not going to let me near you so long as he’s here. He thinks being gay is contagious or something.” I resumed packing.
“If you leave you’ll only make him mad.” You tried.
“I don’t care. I just want to get away from here, I hate it here.” I said.
You sighed and wrapped your arms around me. I stopped packing.
“It’s going to be okay, he’ll come around eventually.” You said.
“No, he won’t. You don’t know him like I do. He won’t let this go, he’ll keep pestering me; make me do stupid stuff until I finally admit defeat. He doesn’t understand me. He never has.”
“My mom will talk to him. She’ll make him understand.”
“What happens when they find out about us?” I whirled on you.
“What? What do you mean?”
“I mean we can’t keep this a secret forever, eventually they will find out one way or another. And when they do, do you really think your mom is just going to be okay with it? To be okay with me? Because I have a feeling she will probably blame me for everything. She may be okay with it for now, but it’s only because she doesn't know the truth.” I finished.
“When that day comes we will handle it, but for now we just need to take it one step at a time,” you said.
“Taking it one step at a time may work for you, but this is what it does to me.” I pulled back and showed you my hands.
“Zara.” You said in concern.
“Holding it in, trying to pretend everything is okay. It destroys me Rosey. It’s not like I want to tell him, especially after the way he just reacted, but we have to tell them eventually. I mean fuck Rosey, they are about to get married.” I ran my hands down my face.
“I know Zara, I know. And we will tell them when the time is right.”
“I just can’t handle this right now, I just need to take a breath. I have to get out of here.” I turned to finish packing.
“Zara, what’s running away going to accomplish?”
“I don’t know. All I know is if I stay here I’m going to do something I’ll regret. I’m going to blow up. You are going to see that horrible side of me that I don’t want you to see. I just need some space between him and me.”
“Okay, fine. Just call me okay. I don’t want to go a single day without hearing your voice.”
I kissed you then.
“I will, I will probably be home before spring break is over. I love you.”
“I love you too.” Then we kissed again.
You helped me finish packing and you waited outside with me until Blythe got there. She looked tired and had a Frappuccino in her hand.
“I love you, stay safe, and don’t forget to call.” You said.
“I won’t. Also, I’m sorry I’m leaving you here alone.”
“It’s okay, vacations are overrated anyway. Love you.”
“Love you too.” Then with a goodbye kiss, I left.
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