Apparently, there’s more to dragging oneself down than I originally thought. Today was the day Kiran finally talked to me about how to properly sin. I didn’t realize there was such a thing, but there apparently is. He explained it like this: people feel alienated from any sort of higher power based on their own perceptions of worthiness to that higher power. Obviously, there are some who don’t believe in any higher power and there are those who believe in something but that knowledge doesn’t really affect them. We’re talking the group of individuals who believes in a higher power and believes that, even to some degree, one must have certain qualities. Most of the time, it is one’s perceptions of how worthy they feel if their higher power of choice were with them.

Someone who commits little sins over a long period of time may not realize they’re sinning anymore. Or they may realize it, be unable to stop it, yet still feel like they have redeemable qualities. That is the important part. Someone who commits a big sin—such as murder or blasphemy or something—may believe they are irredeemable and broken. Big ones do that. Being the victim of big ones can do that, too. I don’t like thinking about that.

So, as far as I am concerned, the key is not to go and commit the big sins and wash my hands of it because, when I finally forget, all I’ll have is the feeling of being unworthy and being completely beyond saving. The key is simply to make small habits that I know are no good and to keep at it. Addictions can help and so can cussing. Especially taking His name in vain. I don’t like that one at all. But I do say it from time-to-time so I will be used to that idea. And then I can put myself on the right path.

What worries me the most is something Kiran talked about. I will, during the course of this trial, do something I would never do. I would never cheat. But Kiran simply told me, “Then I assure you, dear angel, you most certainly will.”

I don’t like that idea. I really don’t. I don’t want to hurt Kiran. Yes, we’re not really in love, but it will be so very real to us. And we both know it’s going to happen. But these things must happen. Even if I hate myself—even if Kiran comes to hate me, too—it has to happen to be a better Guardian.

I just hope we have the strength to endure it.

—Excerpt from the personal journal of Ms. Flora Fairview, written March 8, 2015